also; title, genre, wordcount (in the subject line)

I take it you are just looking for an overall crit since you have already published this piece. I'll check it out and get back.

I actually tried it without the italics and I had a hard time following it. Maybe that means I use too much internal conversation.

It's good, though, to be sure that people understand about using up their publication rights.

alliedfive, I only cut things down that are actually posted here on the Hatrack River Writers Workshop forum. What you put on your own website is up to you. I'm glad you understand about electronic publication.

If you'd like to try the Writing Class area, there are topics that discuss some writing exercises that might help you get started on an actual story.

Edited to add links to the three writing assignments:

#1 , #2 , #3

Then, transcribe it, or have someone else do that, and you won't have a blank screen or piece of paper any more. You'll have something to work on.

If you were to apply that type of writing to a piece about that length or longer, and give it a stronger plot, you would really have something.

I was a little confused about where the story took place. At first reading, the dialogue especially sounded like WW2 infantry, then the citadel and mages turned me.

quote:

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The knees[. They] omit were the first to go. A soldier [spends] spent his career strapping plate and chain and leather onto his chest and back and head, [and] but the knees [are] were the first to go. Captain Grip grimaced and spat in disgust at his own womanish philosophizing.
[I’ve finally gone soft. He thought.] 1) This is the first time of many where you stick in an extra period. It should be a comma between "soft" and "He" (which then becomes "he"). 2) I don't see any advantage in making little thoughts like this into quoted internal monologue. "He'd finally gone soft." is all you need.
Despite the ringing in his ears, he clearly heard the labored breaths of his men. They lined the trench, (1) Here you have a comma instead of a period. 2) the breaths lined the trench? 3) And trenches? What good would they be for soldiers fighting in armor, with, supposedly, swords as weapons? Or is this just some sort of random ditch that they're using to keep out of sight?
Such mundane thoughts always seemed to bubble up at the strangest times. Usually when hope of victory was lost, or when a momentary calm pierced the bloody cloud of a battlefield. Thoughts of fighting and dying and strategizing seemed to wait for a man to be lounging in a bath, or lolling in bed. One of life’s curiosities.
There I go again. He chided himself. 1) Again, period instead of comma. 2) He is chiding himself. It's obvious. You don't need to tell us. 3) This one, I'll admit, would sound stupid as "There he went again." The internal monologue is okay here. But I think something like "Bah![or expletive of your choice] He was doing it again." would work even better.

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I read a bit further than this, but not much. I wasn't really interested in his philosophizing. It looks like things might start happening with the wagon wheels--though what wagon wheels have to do with armor escaped me. And they're not happening very fast.

I would try (eventually, when you get around to editing) to really tighten this up. Or, first, make sure you're starting in the right place. Captain Grip doesn't really attact my sympathy much right now. Should you be starting earlier, at the point when this war (or at least campaign) gets started, so I can see him under normal circumstances just for a moment? Or later, when a battle starts, so we get plunged into the action? (I'd probably prefer earlier myself, but there's no telling for sure.)

Aside from the above comments, the writing itself is clear and grammatical. Just watch the punctuation and the tendency to spend too much time over things that could be skimmed.