1st 13:
He was sweating even more than usual. Ilijah fought to control his breathing and the pounding of his heart. He jumped, armor rattling, as a messenger hurdled over him and his squad, skittering dirt into their trench. The fighting would not reach him, he hoped. The thought shamed him.

The sudden screech of steel on steel made him flinch and close his eyes. His stomach churned. The fighting was getting louder, closer. He grabbed at his sword hilt with an unsteady hand. The leather felt cold, the grip slick. He had to roll onto his side to draw.

“Steady boys, some of you will become men today, and the others will live through the night,” he barked. A few men forced laughs,

Revision 2:
A gray tide was staining the green hills around the ancient stone fortress. Ilijah, son of Hamah, squinted gray eyes at the advancing line of soldiers, and tried to control his breathing. A cold wind swept up from the strand of rocky beach to the south, wipping tall grass against his legs and chilling his sun-darkened face. The fighting would not reach him, he hoped with a pounding heart. A flush colored his face and bare head, shame at his own cowardice.

He flinched when the Lieutenant cuffed him hard on the shoulder and whispered in his ear. "Sword out now, we'll make a good show of it for them," he said

He groped for his sword with numb fingers. The leather grip felt

[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited February 27, 2008).]

Ilijah fought to control his breathing and the pounding of his heart. He jumped, armor rattling, as a messenger hurdled over him and his squad, skittering dirt into their trench. The fighting would not reach him, he hoped. The thought shamed him.//

I'm immediately interested in the story now... I'm terrified at the idea of fighting, and have always wondered if I would think cowardly thoughts in a battle. I'm connecting with the character already.

The sudden screech of steel on steel made him flinch and close his eyes. His stomach churned. The fighting was getting louder, closer. He grabbed at his sword hilt with an unsteady hand. The leather felt cold, the grip slick. He had to roll onto his side to draw.

I'm no history buff, especially when it comes to military history, but I associate trench fighting with machine guns, not with armor and swords. When I think of armor and swords, I think of battles in the old-fashioned style, with armies lining up and facing each other.

“Steady boys, some of you will become men today, and the others will live through the night,” he barked. A few men forced laughs.

Again, I'm confused about the period... The language is very modern for them to be dealing with swords and armor. I'm trying to piece together the setting from clues you've written, using my own limited knowledge of battle history, and I'm coming up clueless. I can't figure out if they are medieval, WWII, a strange future with steel armor and swords AND trenches...

I can't offer suggestions, since I'm not coming out with a clear vision of the setting, but I do enjoy the character and his clear inner struggle of cowardice and shame. The stomach churning and flinching descriptions might be a little over the top for me... I'm already imagining those things without the extra descriptions; elaborating on them makes his fear seem overdone - like an actor hamming it up for the camera.

The setting is medieval. The trench is more of a plot device. They are being hidden for an ambush. I explain that in the next paragraph. Should I lay out the battlefield situation immediately then?

I didn't have a problem with the name Ilijah--if we had serifs on this here forum it would be clearer (I encountered the same problem with the name of one of my characters--people thought I was spelling it with a double lowercase el at the beginning!). I agree, Elijah to me would make me immediately think Biblical.

He was sweating even more than usual.I see where you're going with this, but the first line fell really flat for me. It makes me think he has a medical condition or something. Better, I think, to start on his nervousness than his sweating problems Ilijah fought to control his breathing and the pounding of his heart. He jumped Okay, this early in the story, I'm likely to take this literally. Like he jumped up in the air. Do you mean he was startled, or he started? Or do you really mean his feet left the ground for an instant?, armor rattling, as a messenger hurdled over him and his squad, skittering dirt into their trench. The fighting would not reach him, he hoped. The thought shamed him.I like this complexity of thought.

The sudden screech of steel on steel made him flinch and close his eyes. His stomach churned. The fighting was getting louder, closer. He grabbed at his sword hilt with an unsteady hand. The leather felt cold, the grip slick. He had to roll onto his side to draw.

“Steady, boys,I suggest a period or semi-colon here some of you will become men today, and the others will live through the night,” he barked I'm not fond of saidisms. I'd just stick to "said".. A few men forced laughs,

I'm mostly drawn in, even though I'd prefer to know who he's fighting and why before I go into battle. I tend not to like books that start off right away with intense action (and I'm probably a minority here).

I think trenches were used for archers and so forth, even in Medieval times, but it does instantly conjure up an image of WW1 or WW2. However, you said they are lying in wait for an ambush. I don't think you need to lay this out; however, there's nothing in the lines or the attitude of the character to suggest an ambush. I suppose the line about hoping the battle wouldn't reach him could be interpreted to mean that he's hoping they won't have to spring the trap, but it could just as easily mean that he's a reserve force. Maybe when the messenger jumps over head your MC could think ah, here's the signal, time to trap the dreaded Bad Guys! Hopefully my buddy, Captain Noeh, can hold the ground until we arrive. Keep in mind, though, climbing out of a trench is going to be right hard for a man in battle armor.

Is there ever a "usual" amount of terror? Terror is an extreme that doesn't require further description. I think you've already got a starting sentence better than this, just a little hidden:

"A messenger hurdled over Ilijah and his squad, skittering dirt into their trench. Ilijah started, chain mail clinking, then quickly fought to control the pounding of his heart. Perhaps the messenger carried good news, news of a rout. The fighting would not reach him, Ilijah hoped. The thought shamed him."

The sudden screech of steel on steel made him flinch and close his eyes.

I can understand a regular guy who's thrown into battle to react this way, but Ilijah is supposed to be a leader - I'm immediately turned off that he is unable to hide such obvious signs of fear. If I was fighting under him, I wouldn't respect him... so as a reader, I don't understand why others respect him and don't believe in the story.

The fighting was getting louder, closer. He grabbed at his sword hilt with an unsteady hand. The leather felt cold, the grip slick. He had to roll onto his side to draw.

“Ready swords" he said quietly "some of you will become men today, and the others will live through the night.”

It's odd to have a pep talk right before an ambush... that's why I wouldn't have guessed an ambush when I read the first version. It's also weird that his little speech is so disconnected from the characterization he's been given. Is he suddenly brave? Is he lying through his teeth?

I think my main issue is that I don't know enough in order to be genuinely interested in reading on. I don't know where they are, what kind of environment they're in, how many people are fighting, the odds of failure, etc... Not that I need to know all of that, obviously, but something to anchor me to the scene other than a generic trench would be good. All I have to interest me is Ilijah's fear, which does interest me at first, but isn't clear enough to have me care about him.

As far as him being a leader and being respected; I didnt say he was respected. The very next sentence makes it clear that Ilijah doesnt believe the courage in his own words, and he senses his men do not either.

I agree that I need to increase the stakes somehow.