{Please skip down to the next version. Thanks.}

Joquard bolted upright. Unable to see through the darkness, he listened. Now, he heard only the air rushing in and out of his lungs and the drumming of his heart inside his head. The other sound was gone--lost when consciousness replaced nightmare. Satisfied that he was alone in his room, he lay down on his side and pulled the blankets under his chin. He lay in the dark, his eyes open.
On the other side of the room, beyond the bedroom door, embers in the cottage's fireplace glowed. He raised his gaze above the reddish hew, to the place where Papa's sword hung. A familiar tingle started in his toes and rose through his body to his head. I wonder why the sword keeps trying to talk to me. He turned over and burrowed deeper under the blankets.

[This message has been edited by Acriter (edited April 01, 2008).]

Thanks for the feedback. All of your comments were helpful. It is a good challenge to write meaningful text in thirteen lines. The above is a whittled down version of my original opening. Since I didn't get the points that I wanted across to you, I cut out a lot more. Okay, here's the 101st version of my opening:

Joquard lay in his bed and waited for his fear, brought on by a reoccurring nightmare, to leave him. Through his bedroom door, he saw the red glow of embers in the cottage's fireplace. He raised his gaze above the reddish hue, to the place where Papa's sword hung. A tingle started in his toes and rose through his body to his head. I wonder why the sword keeps trying to tempt me to touch it. He turned over and burrowed deeper under the blankets. But I won't break my promise to Papa.
Goosebumps rose on his arms. He trembled. The feelings were validated by a heavy thump on the front door of his home that shook the walls. He bolted upright. "No, I never dream the nightmare twice in the same night. I know I'm awake."
Another thump resounded through the cottage. He heard his parent's bedroom door burst open and their footfalls reverberate

I'm going to ignore the first paragraph and just give you my take on the second.

quote:

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On the other side of the room, beyond the bedroom door, embers in the cottage's fireplace glowed. not sure he could really see this far, but I was willing to go there He took me a minute to realize this was still Joquard raised his gaze above the reddish hew Hu? Oh, the dying embers , to the place where Papa's sword hung. A familiar tingle started in his toes and rose through his body to his head.

I wonder why the sword keeps trying to talk to me. WHAT?!! COOL! This was the hook for me. I did wonder why the boy wasn't listening though. Let's see if he talks to it.

He turned over and burrowed deeper under the blankets. Rats- the kid doesn't think this is important so why should I?

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For me, if you open here, I'd rather find out what the sword wants from Joquard since, presumably, whatever it wants propels Joquard into action rather than a nap.

You've got the potential to hook me - an enchanted/magic sword trying to talk to a kid - but then put me to sleep with the kid. Keep working at it, openings are tough.