Second,I want to say thank you to you babbler for your screen name.I was babbeling and not writing,if that's a word.

I was trying to write as fast as I talk when excited about something, and not thinking about what I was writing.

Will this make you turn the page? Thanks Again!

ps Babbler is going in the book
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chapter 1. The Big Question!

“Garic!” yes I yelled to Bonder. “Shut the ballgame off and come over here and sit down,” Bonder says.

“It’s the bottom of the ninth with two outs and the bases loaded and the “Red Sox” are down one run to the “Yankee’s I blurt out.” I heard Bonder snap his fingers and the television screen went blank. I snapped my fingers and I heard the announcer screaming, it is a walk off Grand slam by,,, then I heard Bonder snap his fingers again, and the sound went mute, and the television went blank. I knew I had lost the battle. I got off the floor and walked towards Bonder with a sour look on my face.

“What I want to ask you will only take a minute,” Bonder says.

“Garic, do you believe in “Dragons?”
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Am I getting closer with this edit?

"Garic!” Bonder yelled. "Yes?" Garic quickly responded. “Garic will you please shut the television off and come over here and sit down."

“It’s the bottom of the ninth with two outs and the bases loaded and the Red Sox are down one run to the Yankees," I blurted.

I could hear Bonder snap his fingers as the TV screen faded out.

I snapped my fingers and I heard the announcer yell, "It's a walk off grand slam by..." Then I heard Bonder snap his fingers again. The TV sound went mute and the screen darkened. I knew I had lost the battle so I got off the floor and walked towards Bonder with a sour look on my face.

“Garic” Bonder said. “Do you believe in Dragons?”

I would keep reading but for a couple of things.

If I picked this book up, the grammar would make me put it back in the shelf. For example, that first paragraph should be three. I know you can fix those things later, but if you'll do some work on the front end, you won't have so much to rewrite. I recommend you look at two books: Elements of Style by Strunk and White and On Writing by Stephen King.

The Strunk and White book is short and concise. King is pretty entertaining shares some good stuff.

Also, you're writing in both present and past tense. Pick one, preferably past.

I am intrigued by the snapping of the fingers. If I could do that, I'd never need the remote. :-)

Keep it up.

I want to learn ,and I will learn, more about paragraphs.

What little I know about magic,snapping ones fingers is only good for doing simple things,such as , if you focus your mind and create just the right snapping sound,you can interrupt, and or restore the flow of electrical current to small appliances.The appliance has to be connected to electricity though. otherwise you can snap your fingers till they bleed and nothing would happen.It helps if the TV has been altered by magic as well.

As for the tense,, I'm thinking it will be present and future tense.

Thanks again for the refferance to the books.

ps would you put the book back in the shelf? or, on the shelf?

Thank you again jdt,and ps was done with jest.

Garic

[This message has been edited by Craig (edited April 13, 2008).]

I guess to be perfectly proper, I would put the book ON the shelf, IN the row of books.

thus this:
"Garic!” Bonder yelled. "Yes?" Garic quickly responded. “Garic will you please shut the television off and come over here and sit down."

Becomes this:
"Garic!” Bonder yelled.
"Yes?" Garic quickly responded.
“Garic will you please shut the television off and come over here and sit down."

Here's an example; (of them being lifemates, not my Mom! )

" Not now honey... I'm busy." ... "What, I've got to come, whenever you snap your fingers?"
" You did last night."

O.k., now for specifics:

1.) the Title: "The Big Question"

The big question is, what is the big question?
Your answer to that is at the bottom of your first 13. The title is the 1st place to hook your reader. It would pack more punch if you put that (Dragon) into your title. The (Dragon), and the (snap-magic) are your hooks so far... make them work for you.

Examples; ("The Dragon Question"), ("A question of Dragons"),("Dealing with Dragons"), and my personal favorite; ("Don't Deal with Dragons")

Conflict, and specific/unique details are what make stories pop . Which question above is more memorable for you?

2.) The Hook: Dragons and snap-magic

Try to look for ways to tie things together... Hook your hook.

For example; "Your ass is Dragon", from Ender's Game.
I use several in my take on your opening (see below)

3.) The Tags: Garic,Bonder

Words take time to digest. Putting two names too close together can be confusing.
Punctuation might be missed (glossed over by the reader)
I like how you used their names early . That's generally a good thing.

For example; "Simon!"Cowell called.

Did Simon Cowell call? Or did Cowell call Simon?

Also, I'm not sure if it was the small font here, my eyesight, or just me reading too fast, but my first run through I thought the first word was "Garlic" not "Garic". ("Garlic!" Bonder yelled. "Yes?"...) Maybe that was just because I went to "Ye Old Spaghetti Factory" the night before?
I added a (K) to his name in my edit to avoid that confusion.
‘Bonder’ worked for me.(someone who holds things together) I expected him to be the sensible one. And Garic to be the Garish (over the top one).

4.) The Story:

I liked your story... I just didn't love it. Not only because of the formatting and punctuation problems, but because you don't refer to the dragon earlier, I'm not waiting for it to pop-up anywhere. Conflict again (the snap-magic is cool) But, there too I think you can step-it-up another notch. Increase the tension.

5.) The Tone:

Dialogue is one of the hardest things to do right. You can set tone the easiest there, I think though. (Think Attitude) Bad boys and girls are the most memorable. Imagine the stand-out characters in your favorite soap, for example. They're not wallflowers.

6.) The Writing:
Character (dialogue): Bonder: Has the big question. (curt, commanding, direct) Garick: Watching the big game. (short, curt, distracted)

Here's an example of cutting and rephrasing from your 13:

The tv sound went mute and the screen darkened. I knew
The tv went mute and dark. I knew
The tv went mute/dark. I knew
The tv muted and darkened. I knew
The tv muted/darkened. I knew

No sound, no screen, no baseball. Nothing... I knew
No sound, no screen, no baseball... I knew
No sound. No screen. No baseball... I knew
No sound, no screen... I knew
No sound. No screen... I knew

See which words I dropped in my take of your first 13 (below).

My take:

[ Blurb: Garrick and Bonder are a couple of bargain basement wizards, who didn’t bargain on dealing with a dragon! ]

Don’t Deal with Dragons!

"Garick, come here quick," Bonder called from the kitchen.

"Inna minute," I said, my eyes glued to the game.

"Turn that tv off, and get your butt over here."

"But... it’s the bottom of the ninth!... there’s two outs with the bases loaded... and the Sox are down by one to the Yankees."

Bonder’s fingers snapped… Then the tv died. I snapped mine, and the announcer came back on "... and it’s a walk-off grand slam by..."

Bonder snapped again, hard... And the box blew up. Smoke began pouring from it... and my ears.

"Bonder," I said, coming into the kitchen, cracking my knuckles ominously. "Better fix that set, now, or I’m gonna snap... hard!"

Bonder just glared at me, then pointed to the forty-foot dragon bathing in our back patio pool.

"Well?", he said.
"Nice!", I said.

Bonder glared again.

"What? What can I say? When I snap my fingers, dragons don't come calling!" "Don't look at me, I said smiling. You're the 'Dungeon Master'. Why don't you try tying it up?"

Bonder was just reminding me what excellent hearing dragons have, when...
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Alliteration: (Gar’ick/come/quick),(turn/tv),(come/called/kitchen),(minute/my),(my/eye),(glued/game),(off/over),(butt/bottom/bases/by),(then/the/the),(box/blew),(and/and),(coming/kitchen/crackin g),(set/snap),(Bonder/bathing/back),(pointed/patio/pool),(forty/foot),(glared/again),(what/what/when),(dragons/don’t/don’t),(come/calling),(don’t/dungeon),(you’re/you)(me/master),( try/tying),(was/what/when),(hearing/have).

Amazing, you can pretty much follow the whole story line from just the alliteration.

Connections:
(Words, images, ideas, etc., can be connected up); reinforcing them.
(bargain-basement/bargain-dragon),(butt/bottom),(smoke from tv/from ears),(snap-magic/snap-mind).
Other possibilities: (young wizard-snappers?)(finger-flickers? )(preferably, not towards any large angry dragons) (snapdragons?)

Wow, that was lottttts of work. I sincerely hope that helped you Craig.

[Damn… I keep trying to pat my back… but my humungous head keeps getting in the way! ]

[This message has been edited by SimonSays (edited May 29, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by SimonSays (edited May 29, 2008).]

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[This message has been edited by SimonSays (edited June 01, 2008).]

quote:

---

"Garic!” Bonder yelled. "Yes?" Garic quickly responded. “Garic will you please shut the television off and come over here and sit down."

---

Might run more smoothly as:
"Garic!" Bonder yelled.
"Yes?"
"Garic, would you please shut the television off and come over here and sit down."

The last statement might also be better shortened:
"Would you please shut the TV off, come over here, and sit down?"