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Sarah Coire held her eyes to mountains, tracing the clear summer sky with each rise and fall. The white snowy peaks dropped to soft brown cliffs, buried under scattered trees, stretching down to a sea of jagged rocks which pressed against the river bank. The rocky crags broke the majesty of the hillside, but they added mystery to beauty, creating wonder. The river ran south, its western bank open to the fields of the Empire. The carriage Sarah and her siblings were sitting in bumped and jostled its way north, towards Lake Asdeth. The driver whistled softly against the whipping wind that came down from the mountains, stealing the warmth of the sun.
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"...with each rise and fall." Each rise and fall of what? I was stuck here a few seconds before I got it - but it is awkward.
Cut the adjectives/adverbs out of this first 13.
"The white snowy peaks dropped to soft brown cliffs, buried under scattered trees..." - "buried" here seems out of place, awkward. If the trees are scattered, how could the brown cliffs be buried? Also "dropped" seems awkward. "...cliffs with snow covered peaks..." or something like that.
"...they added mystery to beauty, creating wonder." To who? (POV)
The story really seems to start with "The carriage Sarah..." At least we have a starting point here, an introduction to a character going somewhere,
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I like the picture you are painting, after digesting it. It needs to be clarified. There’s no hook yet, but for novel length that may be okay. Maybe say a bit more about Sarah? I’m more interested in her than the scenery – you might to swap your paragraphs.
Suggest: Sarah Coire traced the clear summer sky along the rise and fall of the mountains.
I was a little confused about the “sea” of rocks "pressing" against the river – it took several reads to get that there was no ocean or beach, just a mountain range ending at a river. Maybe that’s just me.
What hillside? Cut the sentence that starts with “The rocky crags…” – it adds nothing, IMHO.
Do you whistle against the wind? Into it? It sounds a bit like the driver’s whistling is stealing the warmth… that last sentence is a bit unclear.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited April 17, 2008).]
quote:Sarah Coire held her eyes to mountains, I'm imagining Sarah with her face pressed up against a mountainside. tracing the clear summer sky with each rise and fall.Okay, maybe she's just looking at the mountains, but "rise and fall" of what? Her breath? The white snowy peaks dropped to soft brown cliffs, buried under scattered trees,What's buried under scattered trees? How can anything be buried under something that is scattered? stretching down to a sea of jagged rocks which pressed against the river bank.What's stretching down, the scattered trees? The rocky crags broke the majesty of the hillside, I thought she was looking at mountains, not hills. but they added mystery Um, how are they adding mystery? Are they hiding something? to beauty, creating wonder. The river ran south, its western bank open Not sure what imagine you're trying to show with the word "open." Do you mean that there is little scrub on the bank, allowing people to easily access the water? to the fields of the Empire.I now assume you mean that the Empire starts on the west bank of the river and that fields edge the bank. However, it could also mean that one side had little brush and, perhaps, was used to irrigate said fields while the other side was inaccessible and unused for farming due to the rock field, but was also part of the Empire. The carriage Sarah and her siblings were sitting in bumped and jostled its way north, towards Lake Asdeth.Oh! Pause to mentally redraw the image. I was assuming she was sitting on the hillside looking around. Maybe start with this, then have her look out the window and describe the view. The driver whistled softly against the whipping wind that came down from the mountains, stealing the warmth of the sun.The whistling is stealing the warmth from the sun?
Work on getting this clarified, please. I am interested in why Sarah and family are traveling, though.
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited April 17, 2008).]
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Thank you very much for the help, I'll work on getting those issues fixed, I always seem to think everything makes sense (especially when I already know what is happening)
The mystery line is needed. There is another line or so in the first chapter that not only foreshadows upcoming events, but lends a great deal to her character. I will work to make it more effective though, so thank you for pointing it out.
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I am interested in why Sarah and family are traveling, though.
