Just so you know, and in case you'd like to add to it.

quote:

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The Dark Woman was evil. She had been consigned to evil by the actions of her father and mother. They were dead, she had seen to it herself.

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quote:

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On formal occasions she wore her mother’s skin, it kept her allies in line and looked good on her.

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I did a double take on this. Twisted humour? It needs another voice or a new angle. Also this needs to be forwarding the plot--a progressive voice.

Intended to be a humorous example:

At the Evil overlord conference, her minions cowered before her. Enrobed in the skin of her dead mother, she felt exquisite.

quote:

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She lay on a small pile of cushions wearing a thin silk wrap, partaking in one of her favorite pastimes, reading. It was so exciting to learn about far away lands and people. She cradled her current project’s head in her lap and continued to browse through his thoughts. She had removed the top of his skull, it was easier reading when you could see what you were doing

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This seemed awkward and wordy. Again express ideas in a positive form.

Hope this helps.

Please don't tell me the Dark Woman is evil. Show it to me.

Also, you started off your story with backstory. Try starting your story where the story starts. For me, this is in the second paragraph. If you start here, you suck the reader in with the impression that this woman is doing something innocuous like reading a history book. Then BAM! She's reading his exposed brain? That's Evil.

Try this on:

The Dark Woman lay on a small pile of cushions wearing a thin silk wrap, partaking in one of her favorite pastimes, reading. It was so exciting to learn about far away lands and people. She cradled her current project’s head in her lap and continued to browse through his thoughts. Removing the top of his skull did take some extra time, but it was easier reading when you could see what you were doing.

There are some more things you could do to make it more active, but you get the idea.

Now the reader knows she's evil without you having to spell it out. You can work the other information in the first paragraph into the story.

There's another issue: point of view. If you're writing in 3rd person limited (observing her thoughts), would she think something like this?

"She had been consigned to evil by the actions of her father and mother. They were dead, she had seen to it herself. On formal occasions she wore her mother’s skin, it kept her allies in line and looked good on her."

That's more of an info dump than story.

Try switching this into first person and see if it makes sense.

Interesting premise. I'd read on with some polishing.

Good luck,

Joe

I have always laughed when they say you have 13 lines to attract the attention of an editor. Always felt rushed to me. So I log on at lunch, and I got to the line about reading is her favorite past time, and I stopped and went to the reactions of the others. Got through them and realized I missed a great hook. I am now a firm believer in the 13, as I only gave you 8 or 9, and then left.

With this said, the wearing of her mother's skin intrigued me, and the reading of the brains had me. For me those were the hooks and good ones at that. I would suggst starting there.

I hope this helps, you do have a promising start.