The voice tickled Meladisant ear, whispering and calling to her like soft velvet against her mind. She could feel the pull, the want to obey tighten inside her chest.
“No,” she whispered. She left her bedchamber and stared at the dark door of her private room. Lifting her hand she ran it down the dark wood and let it rest on the gold handle. The muscles of her arms flexed, itching to press down and open the door.
Bring it to me
Snatching her fingers away from the door the fisted her hand and pressed it to her chest. She had the stone, wasn’t that enough; did she need to bring it to him? To give him such unrestrained access to its immense power? Breathing a deep sigh
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 19, 2008).]
posted
Its been a while since I did this, so bear with me.
[Quote]
Bring it to me should be italised IMO - I was unsure whether the first 13 had actually begun until I got to the next line. I know it'd be clearer on a manuscript, but hey
The voice tickled Meladisant's ear, whispering and calling to her like soft velvet against her mind. I liked this, though I'm sure others will wonder what soft velvet against your mind actually feels like She could feel the pull, the want to obey tighten inside her chest.
“No,” she whispered. She left her bedchamber and stared at the dark door of her private room. I'm a bit unclear on the distinction between the two rooms. It threw me for a minute as I stopped to think about it.Lifting her hand insert comma she ran it down the dark wood and let it rest on the gold handle. The muscles of her arms flexed, itching to press down and open the door. I see where this sentence comes from, I just got an image of Hulk Hogan in drag at the mention of muscles flexing
Bring it to me Italics again - as before
Snatching her fingers away from the door the she? fisted her hand any reason why its not, clenched her hand/fist? Just seems a bit clumsyand pressed it to her chest. She had the stone, wasn’t that enough; did she need to bring it to him? To give him such unrestrained access to its immense power? Breathing a deep sigh Who is he? I get the impression she knows, so unless I'm off on pov then we shoudl too
POV-wise, We seem in Maladisant's Pov, although not too deeply. We see her actions -the muscle flexing, her fist pressing against her chest but don't know what she knows and it almost feels cinematic. Overall, I would read on and there is promise here.
The voice [What voice? Just a disembodied voice? A familiar voice? A stranger's voice?] tickled [What does she think of herself as? Mel? Mela? or:] Meladisant['s] ear, [whispering<--IMHO - choose one, it's getting thick.]-->and calling] to her [like soft velvet against her mind.<--[Eh? Can't picture this. Maybe the metaphor would serve a better purpose describing the voice instead of its effects on her brain.] She could feel the pull, the want to obey [Why? Because is a soft voice? What is compelling?] tighten inside her chest.
“No,” she whispered. She left her bedchamber[She was in a bedchamber?] and stared at the dark door of her private room[Her bed chamber wasn't private? What does she do?]. Lifting her hand she ran [it<--[/b]What's "it"? Her hand? or the "it" the voice wants? If it's her hand, she obviously has to lift it.[/b]] down the [dark<--Redundant, and the word looses it's resonance. I suggest removing it from the door.] wood and let it rest on the gold handle. The muscles of her arms flexed, itching to press down and open the door.<--[Starting to drag out for me, and why is she tryingto seduce the door?]
Bring it to me
Snatching her fingers away from the door [the fisted her hand<--Eh? Do you mean she balled her hand into a fist? Because, there is only one use for "fisted" that I know of and 1) This isn't the place for that and 2) I can't picture that with a hand.] and pressed [it<--Her fist? Her hand? a fist in a hand? the mysterious "it" that the disembodied voice adamantly wants?] to her chest. She had the stone[What stone?], wasn’t that enough; did she need to bring it to him[Who?]? To give him[Him who?] such [unrestrained<--This word feels wrong.] access to [its<--The stone?] immense power? Breathing a deep sigh
This could be worded smoother. Also, I think you're trying so hard not to start the sentences with "her" or "she" that you skew the meaning and pace.
From what I know, IMHO you should be more open and get one with the story.
An example (with conjecture):
Bring me the stone, the voice said in a soft, velvety tone. It was [Name]'s voice, and his words had power.
Meladisant flundered in her four poster bed. "No," she whispered. She tried to resist [Name]'s compulsion, but the spell was too strong. It only made her muscles tremble and her fingers ball the silken sheets into her fists. Against her will, her hands ripped back the sheets and her body slid out of bed. She walked through a puddle of dim moonlight spilling through the lancet window and it gave her shift and unearthly glow. She opened the bolt on her iron-banded bedroom door with rebellious fingers and glided across the hall to her study. That door was locked. Though she wore the key on a chain around her neck, Meladisant wasn't about to share the fact.
Hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 20, 2008).]
posted
I like a lot of the suggestions thus far. It's always nice to have fresh eyes on anything. Quick question though. Badger, you said it "feels cinematic", that is good right? And I like the idea of giving the voice and their relationship more foundation, but I also don't want to give too much away in the beginning. Does anyone have a suggestion on how to accomplish this?
posted
In response to your query about feeling 'cinematic' being a good or bad thing I suppose, rather unhelpfully, that it depends. :confused I think most people here, as writers would view it as a bad thing. I'm still, sadly, more of a reader than a writer, and I'm used to seeing the cinematic approach used as a set up for the story. But generally, the writers using it are established and therefore have cleared all the hurdles which we - and I'm presuming here - still have to clear. There's a school of thought that says if your approach is cinematic then you're not deep enough into the character. We should be experiencing through them, rather than through the eyes of a dispassionate observer. The whole 'show, don't tell'chestnut, which is generally good advice.
That said, I'm not sure that this is truly cinematic. We do know what the character's feeling to an extent, but you've done this by telling us her physical actions if you see what I mean. It just kind of straddles the gap between show and tell in my opinion. And it is only that. As I said, I'd read on so please don't view my comments as discouraging.
posted
I wasn't sure what you meant by "cinematic," Badger, so I'm glad you clarified.
OSC has pointed out that writers seem to like writing in what is also known as "limited camera eye" point of view, meaning that what they depict is how a camera would show it--no getting inside of any character's head.
He has warned, however, that this loses one of the advantages writing has over film (and why some people would rather read the book than see the movie) in that a writer can, by getting inside a character's head, show what is really motivating the character. Cameras can only provide what the actors show and what the characters say are their motivations, and viewers can never be sure it is the truth.
So consider taking advantage of the opportunity to really get inside a character's head.
posted
I'm a bit confused by two things in particular here:
1. The gold door handle: Did you mean that the color of the handle was gold, or that it is actually made of gold? If the latter, you may want to spend a line or two making the room look much more luxurious. Also, gold is a poor metal for making doorhandles, even ignoring how expensive it is. This is a rare feature even for palaces where no expense is spared.
2. The bedchamber and the private room: I'm confused as to the difference between the two. "Private room" might be too weak a descriptive name. Perhaps a receiving room, a waiting chamber, or a dressing room? Given that this is part of a hook, it might be a little dangerous to mention anything that could confuse the reader in this manner.
Reading the above comments about the nameless voice in her head, I actually think it would work just fine if the words were in italics.
Bring it to me.
That looks like a perfectly good "powerful voice in my head," provided your POV is firmly rooted in Meladisant's head. You can narrate all sorts of things if she is the only character in the scene, and I think it is clear that Bring it to me. this voice is compelling her, particularly as you describe her trying to fight the compulsion, but Bring it to me. ultimately failing. The voice echoes and echoes in her head until Bring it to me. she can take it no longer Bring it to me. and rips the stone from her necklace and casts it out into the night... and finally the voice is quiet. She crumples to the floor, sobbing and cursing her weakness.
Anyhow, if you don't want to name the mysterious voice, repetition and italics can be powerful enough on their own.
I like the mystery of it, though, and if it was cleaned up a little I would probably keep reading.
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