posted
Cami’s life was over. Everything that mattered to her was gone. At least half a continent away, anyway. Her parents had thoughtlessly decided to pick up after sixteen years in Connecticut and move cross country to the booming town of Northpointe, Idaho, population 3,032. Best known for…nothing. Absolutely nothing. An hour from any kind of civilization. A lifetime from her friends. Cami knew she would never survive. Looking down at her phone, she sighed loudly. No service. They had left the freeway behind over half an hour ago. “They do have running water, right?” “Camden, we’ve discussed this before. We are not moving to a third-world country. It’s a beautiful little town. If you
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 29, 2008).]
posted
Info about my 13 lines. Don't know how to fit them in the box with the 13 lines!
Genre: YA fantasy Length: (so far) 89 pages I wanted to finish the whole thing before I did major changes, but would be happy to send a bit more to anyone interested.
posted
Interesting. I suppose I would keep reading, but only because I know that it is fantasy story, and I am assuming that there is something interesting/scary/wonderful hidden in this little town. That said, I would want to have a clue as to what that thing was pretty soon.
Also, as a minor side note, this opening reminds me very much of the opening to Twilight. Somthing you might want to think about.
Perhaps... Cami felt her life was over. Because my first thought was wow! this will be an interesting story of the afterlife
quote:At least half a continent away, anyway.
Away and anyway don't seem to jive.
How about; DASH sepparated by half of a continent, anyway.
I had trouble with the voice and the adverb in the next line. The voice seems to telling...too distant from the POV character. In fact, the dialogue below gives us all the information you dropped here in a more effective manner, so in a way it is repetitive and that line could be ommited.
This will give you some more real estate to throw in a speculative element perhaps, because as it stands, I felt it needed something to transform this from a seemingly mundane situation.
If there is no room on the plate for a speculative element, I would perhaps develop the conflict a little more. Perhaps having her contemplating running away or whatever follows in the plot.
posted
After I posted the 13 pages, I went to sleep thinking, "there's no hook in the first 13!" I am getting rid of the first page or so of the story. I'll repost when I've rewritten the intro.
On another note, I have been worried about being too similar to Stephenie Meyers' books. I've not read any of them, but I changed my city to Idaho instead of the original Washington one I started with when I found out that was where her book was based. (We live in WA).
Mine doesn't have vampires, something else entirely. I'll just keep plugging away and see what happens.
Thanks for all your suggestions.
[This message has been edited by stammsp (edited May 29, 2008).]
posted
I've adjusted the opening. Hopefully it has more of a hook now??? Does it make you want to continue reading?
Northpointe wasn’t what Cami had expected. The quaint little town, with its tree-lined streets and sandy beaches, was a far cry from her vision of lumberjacks and saloons.
“See, Cami. They do have running water,” her dad joked, pulling up to a small beachfront realty office. She offered him a courtesy grin and waited in the car with her sleeping younger brother while her parents went inside.
Drained from the drive cross-country and nights of crying herself to sleep, Cami leaned back on the seat and closed her eyes.
A tingling started behind Cami’s eyes and she had an odd feeling of being watched. She turned her head and for a moment, saw something flicker on the nearby lake. Squinting
[This message has been edited by stammsp (edited May 29, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by stammsp (edited May 29, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 29, 2008).]
posted
[QUOTE] Drained from the drive cross-country and nights of crying herself to sleep,... [\QUOTE]
I may be nitpicking here but...
"cross-country drive" rolls off my "mental tongue" better than "drive cross-country" when it is what made her tired.
The "nights of crying herself to sleep" come out of nowhere in this one. Having read your first edit of your hook, I get it, but this one starts with an almost jovial mood. I get that she's expecting the place to be a ratty little mountain hick town from what her father says, but in this version you don't have any of the anguish of leaving her friends behind mentioned at the beginning. I think it would work just fine if you dumped that. If she really had been crying herself to sleep every night for the 6 or 7 day drive from Connecticut to Idaho (I'm actually about to do something like the reverse of that drive myself, WA to NC), her father might be a little more irritated/concerned/hesitant than he sounds.
From her father's first quote and the preceding two sentences, the image I get in my head is that of a teenage girl who is upset with the move, but has expressed that by being sarcastic, argumentative, or just a whiner, rather than the tear-streaked mess that I see in the first edition of your hook. I have no idea which is closer to the actual character you are writing, but if it makes a difference, the second one is stronger, in my mind. I like her more.
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