Any comments and helpful suggestions will be much appreciated. And if you post your query, I will return the favor.

Thank you for your help.

* * *
Eleanor Wood
Spectrum Literary Agency
320 Central Park West, Suite 1-D
New York, NY 10025

Dear Ms. Wood:

I am seeking representation for my 86,000 word thriller, Trouble Shooter. I read several of your authors, including David Eddings, James Luceno and William Forstchen, and am a particular fan of Lois McMaster Bujold's Chalion series. I hope there is room in your stable for one more writer.

Trouble Shooter is the story of Carmody, a young genius hired for a high tech medical project who instead finds himself in a war between his Forbes 400 boss, Steven Corrada, and Steven's former partner, scientist turned crime lord Ron Haraldson. When Ron discovers the lost formula for a hybrid biochemical weapon developed during the Korean War, he decides to monopolize the key element used to cure exposure to the weapon. That element is rhodium 45, an extremely rare metal that sells for over $7,200.00 per ounce.

While his mercenaries loot precious rhodium mines in South Africa, Canada and Russia, Ron attacks cities around the globe with the mysterious weapon, poisoning thousands. From street fights in Tokyo to a snow covered dacha in the Ural Mountains, Carmody and his eclectic team of adventurers race to stop Ron, while bidding wars erupt between nations frantic to cure their citizens.

To save the lives of thousands, including his mentor, Carmody must out think and out fight a brilliant scientist and his vicious killers.

Although trained as a * * *, I spend my time writing novels. I have had short fiction published in * * * and * * *, and am a member of the * * * Literary Group.

Please note this is a simultaneous submission. I will be happy to send sample chapters or the complete manuscript.

Thank you for your time.

quote:

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[I am seeking representation for my 86,000 word thriller, Trouble Shooter. It's kind of assumed that you are writing to them to seek representation so would suggest something like: Trouble Shooter is a 86,000 word thriller. I read several of your authors, including David Eddings, James Luceno and William Forstchen, and am a particular fan of Lois McMaster Bujold's Chalion series. I hope there is room in your stable for one more writer.I think saying you read books by authors the agent represents isn't enough of a reason to choose that agent if you're going to give one. I'm making this up as I go along as I don't have a clue, but something like this would be better: Trouble Shooter is similiar in style to [name of novel] by [author] whom you represent. Plus I would delete the line about one more author. This doesn't seem professional enough to me.

[Trouble Shooter is the story of - [ suggest delete this Start with...] Carmody[,delete comma is] a young genius hired for a high tech medical project who instead finds himself in a war between his Forbes 400 boss, Steven Corrada, and Steven's former partner, scientist turned crime lord -delete, we get this from what you next tell us about him Ron Haraldson.

Up to here, its good. If its a story about Carmody, why then do you tell about what other people do? Tell the agent what Carmody does. All we know is that he races to stop Ron. I think you need some information in about Carmody, his team and what they do.

When Ron discovers the lost formula for a hybrid biochemical weapon developed during the Korean War, he decides to monopolize the key element used to cure exposure to the weapon. That element is rhodium 45, an extremely rare metal that sells for over $7,200.00 per ounce.

This section can be condensed. Ron gains knowledge of a dangerous biochemical weapon, and uses it to control the very expensive rhodium 45, a cure to exposure to the weapon. My example isn't great, but you get the idea. I don't think you need to mention in the query how much it costs.

[While his - delete] mercenaries loot [precious - delete] rhodium mines in South Africa, Canada and Russia,while Ron attacks cities around the globe with the [mysterious - delete] weapon, poisoning thousands. Here, is where I think you need more information about Carmody. He's your MC, and so far we know nothing about him.From street fights in Tokyo to a snow covered dacha in the Ural Mountains, Carmody and his eclectic team of adventurers race to stop Ron, while bidding wars erupt between nations frantic to cure their citizens.

To save the lives of thousands, including his mentor[ Who is this mentor that is suddenly thrown into the picture? I'd suggest mention him/her earlier], Carmody must out think and out fight a brilliant scientist and his vicious killers.

Although trained as a * * *, I spend my time writing novels. I have had short fiction published in * * * and * * *, and am a member of the * * * Literary Group.

Please note this is a simultaneous submission. I will be happy to send sample chapters or the complete manuscript.

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I hope this helps.

While Spectrum does handle a lot of scifi and fantasy, their listing indicates an interest in thrillers as well, so I thought I'd try them.

darklight, I appreciate the detailed suggestions you made. I will take careful notes and then go back over my query and improve it.

Dear Ms. Wood:

I am seeking representation for my 86,000 word thriller, Trouble Shooter. I read several of your authors, including David Eddings, James Luceno and William Forstchen, and am a particular fan of Lois McMaster Bujold's Chalion series. I hope there is room in your stable for one more writer.nice, maybe I'd cut out one of the authors, to make the list the magic three.

Trouble Shooter is the story of cut to here---> Carmody, a young genius hired for a high tech medical project who instead cut "who instead" finds himself in a war between his Forbes 400 boss, Steven Corrada, and Steven's former partner, scientist turned crime lord Ron Haraldson. When Ron discovers the lost formula for a hybrid biochemical weapon developed during the Korean War, he decides to monopolize the key element used to cure exposure to the weapon. That element is rhodium 45, an extremely rare metal that sells for over $7,200.00 per ounce.is it crucial to know how much it sells for?

While his mercenaries loot precious rhodium mines in South Africa, Canada and Russia, Ron attacks cities around the globe with the mysterious weapondo you mean rhodium?, poisoning thousands. From street fights in Tokyo to a snow covered dacha in the Ural Mountains, Carmody and his eclectic team of adventurers race to stop Ronwho are the adventurers?, while bidding wars erupt between nations frantic to cure their citizens.

To save the lives of thousands, including his mentor, Carmody must out think and out fight a brilliant scientist and his vicious killers.I think this line could be cut

Although trained as a * * *, I spend my time writing novels. I have had short fiction published in * * * and * * *, and am a member of the * * * Literary Group.

Please note this is a simultaneous submission. I will be happy to send sample chapters or the complete manuscript.this line seems unecessary

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
chimpwithpencil
* * *

Overall, I think you have a good query here. I would like to hear a little more about the adventurers that go along with Carmody. You spend the most time on Ron and the set up to the plot, but we don't have much about what actually happens in the story. I would like to see a few teasers as to what obstacles Carmody and his crew have to come up against.

Thank you for taking the time to read my query. Your suggestions are helpful. I wrote them all down and will go back over my letter.

I agree with your point about providing more information about Carmody's team and the obstacles they face. I struggled with that area, especially in trying to fit a lot of information into a single page. I settled for hoping the query would spark enough interest in the plot to get the agent to read the synopsis, but I still plan to go back and see if I can't cram a bit more into the query.

Thank you for your help.

Just a couple of thoughts...

Trouble Shooter is the story of Carmody, a young genius

"young genius" is a little vauge - maybe he is untrained and just a young genius or is he a "brilliant biochemist"

hired for a high tech medical project who instead finds himself in a war between his Forbes 400 boss, Steven Corrada, and Steven's former partner, scientist turned crime lord Ron Haraldson. When Ron discovers the lost formula for a hybrid biochemical weapon developed during the Korean War, he decides to monopolize the key element used to cure exposure to the weapon. That element is rhodium 45, an extremely rare metal

“don’t need to know how much it sells for just that it is rare ”
that sells for over $7,200.00 per ounce.

While his mercenaries loot precious rhodium mines in South Africa, Canada and Russia, Ron attacks cities around the globe with the mysterious weapon”

it’s not mysterious to us..we know it is a biochemical weapon – so maybe you could say ...lethal..or give us a clue of what it does to a person…disfiguring,

poisoning thousands. From street fights in Tokyo to a snow covered dacha in the Ural Mountains

I like the location of the snow covered dacha in the Ural untains, but that may be a better location for a mine (it is known for it’s large mineral deposits – read it on the internet – must be true), not an attack location…if it is money Ron is after then he wants to hit places like …..Tokyo is good…Washington DC, or somewhere there are endangered species if you want it to be remote”,

Carmody and his eclectic team of adventurers race to stop Ron, while bidding wars erupt between nations frantic to cure their citizens.

Thank you for the helpful suggestions. You are right about "young genius" being vague. I meant to write "young computer genius" but my mind skipped over it. Having a fresh eye to catch these things is a great help.

It appears unanimous that no one cares about the price of rhodium and it should be removed. I was the only one that found it startling. Good catch on the Ural Mountains! It is a real world mining site, and in my story, I have the dacha located near the mine. I think it makes a neat setting.

And I'm taking a close look at my closing line -- whether to rewrite it or remove it entirely.

Thank you for your help.

quote:

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I hope there is room in your stable for one more writer.

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So, if I were you, I'd include it only if you really thought you want to find an agent who needs to appreciate a phrase like that. Otherwise, it might be better to play it safe.

I think you're right about the "stable" line. I actually meant it as it's used in the boxing world--a gym or specific trainer will have a group of fighters in their "stable," much like a literary agent represents several writers. But unless the agent is a sports fan, this won't work so I think I'll cut it.

Also, thanks to islandgirl621 for the encouraging words. It's nice to read.

Sincerely,
chimpwithpencil