posted
This is the first 13 of the Epilogue to a science fiction novel approximately 119,500 words in length that I've been working on for about a year, now. A first reader is reading it for me now, and I expect to get it back soon. So, let me know how it reads and if it is interesting enough to read on:
Jalayna sidestepped the young man’s hand when it darted out in her direction, but like most of the guests, the good wine and ale that had loosened his tongue had also spoiled his aim. There had been ample opportunity for her to learn how to handle the heavy pitcher filled to the brim with her master’s best ale and stay out of reach of the men with other things than drink on their minds. It was late, but the celebrants had kept up a rowdy chatter for the better part of the night.
Master Lanok was seated at the high table near the front of the castle’s huge banquet hall with his favorite wife at his side. At last count, there were four. Lady Drea must have been close to middle age by now but could still draw one’s eye in appreciation of her attractiveness. Jalayna smiled when she
posted
Do you really mean "epilogue"? Epilogues are at the end, not the beginning--that's generally a prologue.
quote: Jalayna sidestepped the young man’s hand when it darted out in her direction[IMHO - the sentence should end here.], but [This should be the start of the next sentence:L]ike most of the guests[Patrons?, the [good wine and ale<--[Is this important detail to the story? If nopt, it slows me down, and could easily be replaced with: drink] that [had<--[Nix.] loosened his tongue [had also<--[Nix.] spoiled his aim. [There had been ample opportunity for her to learn how to handle the heavy pitcher filled to the brim with her master’s best ale and stay out of reach of the men with other things than drink on their minds.<--This sentence is very long, and left me wondering why it was there? I went "Huh?"] It was late, but the celebrants [had<--[Nix] kept [up<--[Nix.] a [rowdy chatter<--[Find a stronger verb.] for the better part of the night.
Master Lanok was seated at the high table near the front of the castle’s [huge<--[Doesn't do much for this sentence. It doesn't give a clear picture.] banquet hall[,] [with<--Nix.] his favorite wife at his side. At last count, there were four. Lady Drea [must have been close to<--find a stronger verb[/b]] middle age [by now<--[Nix] but could still draw one’s eye [in appreciation of her attractiveness<--[What else would "draw one's eye?]. Jalayna smiled when she
1) All of this is from Jalayna's PoV, but I know nothing about her--other than she could handle heavy pitchers and avoid drunks attempts to pat her butt (which is a waitress).
2) No Hook. I don't feel any promise of a problem that needs resolved.
posted
Oh crud! Sometimes I feel like such a dolt! Of course it's the prologue and not the epilogue. Now, I wish I could delete the whole topic and just start over.
IB; I can see by your comments that I need to explain things a whole lot better in the first 13 than what I did. I thought that since this was the beginning of a novel I'd have time to bring in more detail.
I know you're here to help, but I just about threw up my hands and walked away from the whole thing. Yes, Jalayna doesn't seem to be anything more than a waitress, but she's so much more than that. This is revealed in the first three pages. Is this too long a wait to make a novel affective?
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Definetly don't walk away! You can write. I remember my first crit, someone compared a line to a drumbeat replaced with a fart, that and IB thought there was statue of a god somewhere in it, which by the way, I took the idea and ran with. I had tried to throw so much in, I confused myself.
As far as this first 13,
I like the voice, so in a novel that alone would keep me reading. And I read some where that the first 3 pages of a novel were freebies, which gives you some leeway, I think it was on this forum somewhere. BUt you don't want to waste them. The main thing about a novel is, does the first sentence grab you, and make you want to read the next and so forth, so while it may take 3 pages to get to the heart of it, you have to make sure that those pages are intersting enough to continue.
posted
No. Don't walk away. Just think about what you want to convey. I think maybe you're trying too hard to fit everything in. In a novel, if you're going to start with a character, just delve into that character; if you're going to start with a situation, make it important enough to start a novel with. Always remember, if someone reads enough to critique it, it has something. I suggest sinking a little deeper in Jalayna, and worry less about the king and the hall for the reader, but describe them as she sees them--I doubt (if she's like a waitress) that she is going to look at the hall as a "huge banquet hall" but more like her prison for so many hours a day.
I really hope this helps.
Don't quit. Get better...make me eat my words.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 29, 2008).]
posted
I think IB has something there, that I couldnt find the words to say. I was into the first paragrpah, and Jalayna, had hoped to read more, then you jumped to the king and it threw me.
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posted
Thanks, to both of you for the vote of confidence. Yesterday was a rough day for me... hardly any sleep, and it put me on the irritable side.
I'm also not one to turn away from a challenge. Scalawag revolves around what happened to Jalayna on this particular night, and I felt it was important to "show" what happened to her. The heart of the story is about her son, Alakon, and the man he becomes.
Alakon was a supporting character in a novel I started back in the '70's, but I kept thinking his story could stand alone. I finally decided to write it, and it came out better than the original one.
I got tickled when I let my husband read it. I was printing off a chapter or two at a time, and he became upset when I accidentally skipped a chapter. He could hardly wait for me to print it off. He snatched it out of my hands with a quick "Thanks." and started to read it with zeal. My first reader is almost through with it and has already told me it's saleable in his opinion. He's a high school teacher.
And lastly; I value everything you more learned people here on Hatrack have to offer. Your advice is a treasure trove that I feel I've barely begun to tap. I'll learn as I go along and can't believe how much I've picked up from you folks already.
Sorry for my bummed out attitude, yesterday. I was indeed a bad day. Thank goodness it's now in the past .
posted
I really liked it. I had and have no idea where it is going and . . . I liked that. I liked the word choices and sentence structures. They were playful and precise and felt playful.
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