posted
Alright, I figured I jump in and get started. I'm writing a science fiction novel and the title is Drifter's Flight. Here is the first 13 lines and if you're interested in reading more of the novel it is finished except for me constantly polishing the by editing. I wrote it for fun and could really use some input on it.
It didn't really say if you could have chapter breaks in it so here is the chapter title as well:
Chapter 1 “Why did I have to wake up?”
I woke up to find myself right where I had been lying the night before in my room snug and warm. Wishing it was a different day, I really didn’t want to go to work. I hadn’t opened my eyes yet, but I was definitely awake. Slowly prying my eyes open, I saw the white textured ceiling of my room. It was that horrible “Pop Corn” textured ceilings from the 70s and 80s houses and I hated waking up to it. But something just didn’t seem right. I moved my head to the left to look at my alarm clock. It was digitally repeating the flashing 12:00. The darn thing hadn’t gone off. I moved my gaze three inches above the clock and staring through the horizontal blinds, I caught a glimpse of a fiery orange sky. The glow outside seemed slightly abnormal, but, no it was just the sun rising, wasn’t it?
posted
I liked it too. If I had picked up this book I would keep reading. I like the reference to popcorn ceiling. It brings me into the scene. I have no complaints.
Posts: 968 | Registered: Jul 2008
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posted
First off, welcome to Hatrack, in case you hadn't seen my formal welcome yet.
Secondly, I will have to part from the rest here. As this is your first post, I will first say that this is just one tree's opinion, and every thing I mention is intended as constructive.
quote:I woke up[[while this isn nescessarily the waking from a dream cliche, a flag goes up instantly. See notes below]] to find myself right where I had been lying the night before in my room snug and warm. Wishing it was a different day, I really didn’t want to go to work. I hadn’t opened my eyes yet, but I was definitely awake[[Obvious]]. Slowly prying my eyes open, I saw the white textured ceiling of my room. It was that horrible “Pop Corn” textured ceilings from the 70s and 80s houses and I hated waking up to it.[[ this is very wordy]] But something just didn’t seem right. I moved my head to the left to look at my alarm clock. It was digitally repeating the flashing 12:00. The darn thing hadn’t gone off. I moved my gaze three inches above the clock and staring through the horizontal blinds, I caught a glimpse of a fiery orange sky. The glow outside seemed slightly abnormal, but, no it was just the sun rising, wasn’t it?
Regarding the conditioning to spot cliches, I have been conditioned to see a flag whenever "I see I woke up" Not to say this can't transcend that obstacle, but well, it didn't for me.
I look for two things in an intro to a novel. Introduction to a character or a scene(which interests me) As this, by the nature of the chapter title, indicates to me that I am meeting the main character, I am expecting to meet the character. By meet the character, I mean that I want to find a characteristic in him that interest me, makes me like or dislike him/her.
I found this character, at least in this situation, did nothing that revealed anything of interest. It could have been(and has been) me in that same mundane situation. Except I would have cursed and or threw the alarm clock across the room.
So this leaves me to search for a speculative element since I found no interest in character or scene. I feel the speculative element is somewhat optional in a novel. Having it in the first thirteen lines, I consider a bonus. And you did have the slightest lure of a speculative occurance, but it was not enough to spark an interest for me. He wasn't even totally convinced what was going on outside was completely out of the ordinary, so why should I?
That out of the way, I will offer something more constructive. I would perhaps condense this, and make it more concise as well as inject a little more reactionary characteristics of the MC. How he reacts to this situation has the potential to offer the readers a little more about what this guy is made of.
Hope you find this helpful, and it is afterall, just my humble two appleseeds worth.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited July 16, 2008).]
Thanks for the feedback. I actually have never been very fond of the first sentance and I know you guy are probably thinking why leave it in there. Well, it adds some semetry to the end of the book. I need to work on it some more I guess.
As far as reactions of the main character as to what is going on, the entire next page of the book is his reaction. And you made the connection that I wanted you to make which was "I have had the same experience with the alarm clock". I'm trying to get some what of a connection with the MC in the first 13 by similar experiences because as things progress in the next few pages the MC goes down the "rabit hole" so to speak. Most people have had an alarm clock fail to operate at one point or another in their lives and I liked the fact that the books starts at the begining of a day.
I think I will try rearranging the next three paragraphs to give a little more character insight. I can always post a little more of the book if that would be helpful?
Thanks, it is definately something I will work on.
[This message has been edited by Lynk (edited July 16, 2008).]
posted
I took some advice and I really think I have something for the first 13 lines. Please advise. The chapter title is still the same:
I awoke to that horrible “Pop Corn” textured ceilings from the 1970s and 80s houses in my normal drowsy and irritable demeanor. God, I hated waking to that ceiling and once again it was Monday. But something didn’t seem right about this morning and it wasn’t because I really didn’t want to go to work. I moved my head to the left to look at my alarm clock. It was digitally repeating the flashing 12:00. The darn thing hadn’t gone off. I let out a sigh and I directed my gaze three inches above the clock. The sky was a fiery orange through the horizontal blinds. Was that normal? It didn’t matter; the sun was never up when I went to work. I was late and I was going to hear about it from the boss.
On a side note, I've been glancing around at some different posts and have found myself slightly concerned for my writing. My book is written in First Person and all the talk by Bent Tree has my nerves all rattled. Also I found an article on rookie mistakes of not painting the scene. I guess I should take a closer look at my descriptions in my book.
I did have my mother read it and she liked it. Though I can't say I liked her editing changes as within a few sentences she completely change the personality of the MC. The other is one of my friends who said he really liked it and he reads S/F all the time.
Sorry for the side note. I'm really facing a lack of confidence in my writing.
Here is an open invitation to read the first chapter of my book.
[This message has been edited by Lynk (edited July 16, 2008).]
posted
Hi Lynk, Don't get discouraged. It's hard, I know, to hear critcism. I felt the same way. If I were you I would edit my story a few times then try getting it published. Then move on to a new story. Your first one may never get published but I bet you've learned a lot and are a better writer now. Who knows though maybe someone will like it and publish it. Anyways I'm not one to talk, I haven't even finished a story yet.
Um, I didn't like the rewrite as much as the first one. The first sentence was hard to digest, too much info. I liked how you showed us the way he woke irritable rather than just telling us it. I also thought your description of the scene in the first one was better than the second. I got a good picture of a blinking alarm clock in the first one, which was absent in the rewrite. I think the first one only needs minor adjustments, not a major overhaul. But this is just me. It doesn't matter what I think. I'll read the first chapter if you need readers. I don't know that I'm very great at critiquing, but I can tell you what I get from it as a reader. Good luck and don't despair.
quote:I awoke to that horrible “Pop Corn” textured ceilings from the
Too much light. My eyes opened to that damn "popcorn"...
Logically that is how I see the scene. There is more light than usual, because he usually wakes up when it is still dark, right? Sometimes you have to step back and look at the logical sequence of events. I think it is one of the harder things to do.
quote:Bent Tree has my nerves all rattled
I am an amatuer. Don't let me or anything I say rattle you. I try to offer helpful advice, but I learn more and more everyday, and I am no better than anyone here. I just talk alot because I have free time on my hands this week
Also this is your piece, so keep that in mind when you revise. You know the character, plot and everything else. I just like to try to help when I can, because lots of Hatrackers helped me along.
I would be grateful if you read the first chapter. I really need outside opinions. I'll send it to you shortly.
Thank you very much.
Bent Tree, I really did contemplate using "Damn" instead of "horrible" but it seemed overkill and the MC only cusses under certain circumstances which are explained later in the novel. Maybe I can choose a different adjective as I am not terribly keen on "horrible".
Thanks for the input and I do actually like the way the second 13 reads better than the first. I'm not so discouraged now.
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