Feel free to ask any questions and I thank you in advance for taking a look at my work.

Here are the first 13 lines:
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Charlie felt disconnected. Disconnected and calm. Summerset’s bustling city sounds were inaudible from the hilltop Charlie had climbed. The hills were separated from Summerset by a thin forest and behind him the hills gradually grew into sharp mountains. The only sounds Charlie heard up here was the wind as his sword sliced open the air. The city of Summerset was a good distance in front of him, and he swung his sword in practice at its distant image. He kept the sword moving in a constant flow and stopped thinking. He stopped thinking about his father’s projects, the work to be done in his father’s blacksmith shop, the hectic noise of Trade Street where he shared a home with all of Summerset’s craftsmen, and the sounds of the guards marching by on their rounds. The only images in

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[This message has been edited by zakattack (edited August 08, 2008).]

This duet of sentances seems awkward to me. I don't think its reduncancy is acheiving its target. Disconnected is not a flattering word to be repeated in that manner. Maybe try

Charlie felt calm. Calm and disconnected.

Although that may shift the focus in a direction that contradicts the mood you are trying to acheive.

Summerset’s bustling city sounds were inaudible from the hilltop Charlie had climbed.

I would re-order this. Summerset sorta jumps out of nowhere a little more then it needs to. Maybe try:

From the hilltop on which he sat, Charlie could barely hear the bustling city sounds of Summerset.

I think that makes a better transition of ideas.

Or you could continue the repetition motif you started with, adding in the next line with it like this:

Charlie felt calm. Calm and disconnected. Disconnected from the city of the Summerset. Separated from its bustling sounds by a thin forest of trees. Behind him the hills gradually grew into sharp mountains.

The only sounds Charlie heard up here was the wind as (of) his sword (as it) sliced open the air.
He swung his sword at the distant image of Summerset.

I made a few revisions to the rest as well which would give you a couple more lines.
Charlie felt calm. Calm and disconnected. Disconnected from the city of the Summerset. Separated from its bustling sounds by a thin forest of trees. The only sound Charlie heard was the wind of his sword as it sliced open the air. He swung his sword at the distant image of Summerset, moving his sword in a constant flow. He stopped thinking. He stopped thinking about his father’s projects, the work to be done in his father’s shop, the hectic noise of Trade Street, where he shared a home with all of Summerset’s craftsmen, and the sounds of the guards marching by on their rounds.

quote:

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Charlie felt disconnected. Disconnected and calm. Summerset’s bustling city sounds were inaudible from the hilltop Charlie had climbed.

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Double repetition - you repeat the character's name and the word 'disconnected'. It loses impact.

quote:

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The hills were separated from Summerset by a thin forest and behind him the hills gradually grew into sharp mountains.

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Hilltop, hills, hills. Bad punctuation as well - there should be a comma there somewhere.

quote:

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The only sound Charlie heard up here was the wind as his sword sliced open the air. The city of Summerset was a good distance in front of him, and he swung his sword in practice at its distant image.

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Needs a grammar change as shown. Again repetition - using the word sword in two consecutive sentences.

quote:

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He kept the sword moving in a constant flow and stopped thinking. He stopped thinking about his father’s projects, the work to be done in his father’s blacksmith shop, the hectic noise of Trade Street where he shared a home with all of Summerset’s craftsmen, and the sounds of the guards marching by on their rounds. The only images in

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“Charlie felt disconnected. Disconnected and calm.” It doesn’t work to repeat “disconnected”. Disconnected from what? To me that word implies emotional entanglements that he has withdrawn from, for a time. I remember feeling that way when I was rebelling but not caring whether or not I got caught, and at other times while avoiding powerful negative feelings—it was easier to withdraw from them. It can be a loaded word if you give it a context. Without the context, I don’t care--it suggests to me that perhaps I as the reader should be disconnected from Charlie too.

“Summerset” and “city” are mentioned too many times. Suggest try paring all references to it down to one use of the name and one use of “city”. There is too much description about the relationship between the hill and the city.

What I want to get across is the mundane and repetitive lifestyle Charlie has ahead of him as his father is a blacksmith and has been teaching him and all Charlie knows about is being a blacksmith.

You know when you have that seemingly pointless job and you want to do something else but you just don't know anything else yet? I want the reader to realize Charlie is feeling this. His father makes swords for the city's guardsmen and Charlie likes to begin his days learning how to use a sword by mimicking the guards he sees for the sake of doing something new that actually interests him and wasn't thrust upon him by his father.

Eventually as the story progresses, the city will be besieged by a dragon and Charlie's father and his blacksmith shop will come to the unfortunate fate of destruction and Charlie will "lose everything he had" so to speak - and though he wasn't looking forward to it, he _knew_ it, and this will spark the big change/conflict in the novel.

Again, thanks for your comments and I will post a revised beginning soon.

*edit*
MrsBrown's idea of starting off in the blacksmith shop I am considering - though I don't know how much that will take away from the story since Charlie will be returning to the shop after practicing up on the hill and I don't want to repeat the scene.

It reads to me as if the start of this novel is you-the-writer thinking aloud about the background and set-up of the novel. There's nothing wrong with doing that to settle yourself into the story - but then you need to go back and learn where the story really starts.

I like what you’ve told us of what’s to come. He’s going to feel massively guilty when he gets the freedom he’s craved, at such a massive cost. He’ll be longing for a return to things that he starts out reviling. If you really want to twist the knife in your character (so to speak), you could have his life be spared only because he was away from the shop when he shouldn’t have been.

I’m interested, and that’s good. I do have to nitpick a little though.

Where you say “The hills were separated from Summerset by a…” you could say “He was separated from Summerset by a…” It takes the reader a little closer to your MC.

Also, the sword slicing open the air, it jolts me out of what’s happening because I start to think about the fact that air cannot be opened (unless we’re talking portals). Replace “open” with “through” and it’s a little more cliché, but very clear. Remove the word “open” entirely and you’re even better.

Anyway, I like the idea of starting in the blacksmith shop, but I feel that an introduction like that would be kind of dull as the introduction to what i hope to be something epic.

This is where I started the new beginning: Charlie going to the tavern for "lunch" and meeting a man who comes from a town that was attacked by dragons. Then, after lunch, he will go back to the blacksmith shop and I will develop the disconnectedness and monotony there. Anyway, here are the new first 13 and I would be glad to send you what I have rewritten, so let me know! Thanks again in advance.