posted
So, this is not really fantasy or science fiction, but it does have an element of fantasy, so there you go. It's YA, complete at 65,000 words. Does it grab you? Confuse you? Would you want to read on?
On closing night of Much Ado about Nothing, I sat alone in the girl’s dressing room and prayed to Will Shakespeare to give me the courage to kiss Brandon Drake. I had been madly in love with him for the five months, ever since he moved to Avery. Yet, for five months, we had been friends, nothing more. But, tonight. Tonight was my night. I could feel it. I held up our paper program, and stared at the Xeroxed picture of Shakespeare with his big, frilly collar, his sly goatee. His play is what brought Brandon and I together in the first place, and I just knew that somehow, he would make the magic happen tonight. It was fate. “Give me the courage,” I whispered, closing my eyes.
posted
Nothing I can see wrong with the writing - not my cup o' tea though. I know a girls crush on some guy she's in a play with is not a hook for me, but maybe it is for your target audience.
One small thing. To me it seems that the two are in a play, and the kiss takes place during this play, and its closing night. This would mean there was an opening night and - possibly some nights inbetween - during which the two would have performed the play and have to had kissed then, no?
posted
Its pretty clear, and I have a mild interest in seeing if she does kiss him, and how he reacts. Ditto to Devnal's reaction. Also, didn't they practice the part together? Was it always a pretend kiss? That's okay, it just needs to be said (but I can't picture a pretend kiss in a play...)
A couple of nits/suggestions:
“I had been madly in love with him for [the <-cut] five months, ever since he moved to Avery. Yet, [for five months, we had been]we were friends, nothing more.”
“But, tonight. Tonight was my night.” Suggest: “But tonight was my night.”
"His play [is what <-cut] brought "
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited August 27, 2008).]
posted
Ah, I can see the confusion. Actually, Brandon is in the cast, but Jane does not have a scripted kiss with him. She just wants to kiss him. I clarify that, literally in this next paragraph:
“Give me the courage,” I whispered, closing my eyes.
Note from Kathleen: If this is a rewrite, it can stay, but if it is just an addition, wrenbird, then it's more than 13 lines.
Just say, "Then she kisses his picture and goes on to plan how they will actually kiss somewhere backstage."
Does this clear it up enough, or should I be more precise? Should I mention this sooner?
[This message has been edited by wrenbird (edited August 27, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 27, 2008).]
posted
Wrenbird, the kissing didn't confuse me, but then I also know the play. It would be nice to know if they were the MCs in the play which I've assumed.
posted
I thought the writing was good, especially the 4:38 re-write/addition.
If you are pitching this as a fantasy, you might try to give some hint of the fantasy element very early--if not in the first 13 then soon afterwards. I can see how the appeals to Shakespeare might develop into a fantasy element, and maybe a strong pitch in a query can get past this issue, but if you can solve it....
Good luck.
Nit: I sat alone in the girl’s [girls'] dressing room
posted
wrenbird, if you're doing a novel, you can post the first 13 lines of each chapter, but not more than the first 13 lines.
I know, it's picky, but the idea is that 13 lines is a small enough part of a chapter (or a short story) that it will protect your first publication rights.
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