Migau was surprised to see Jerome’s picture on the cover of the gossip rag, but there it was, a polished shot of his brother’s face. The headline screamed, “Hot Young Stars of the Royal Science Society.” He didn’t really consider his brother hot or a star, but he had to read the story so he could find out just what secrets Jerome had been keeping from him. The article touched briefly on his paper on the status of the Church in Ungavet, but that was only a dull-but-necessary springboard into a scintillating discussion of how Jerome had come to the attention of Lord de Valant, a popular favorite of the King. The piece even provided Migau with delicious details about his brother’s torrid love affair with Valant’s niece—it was amazing how much the gossipmonger could exaggerate a
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 02, 2008).]
posted
I think there's too much summary here. It's killing the story for me. I think it would be more effective if you cut back the narration and really brought Migau to life, let us step into his head, etc. For instance:
He didn’t really consider his brother hot or a star, but he had to read the story so he could find out just what secrets Jerome had been keeping from him Okay, this last line could be played out a little. Instead of telling us he had to read the story you could show us. He sees the headlines, maybe he snatches up the story and scans the first paragraph. Something like that.
I don't like offering rewrite suggestions, so I'll demonstrate in a parallel example:
Jane decided she was going to go to the outer colonies after all. She didn't know if she would be able to make it, but John had left her and she decided it was time for her to make a change in her life.
Could be:
Jane flipped through the brochure for the Outer Colonies once again. All those happy people with their families... she imagined waking up every morning, saying hello to her neighbors, their faces smiling just like those pictured. She might be the only single woman. But John had left for good. She wanted to forget about him, and this run-down planet, for good. She keyed in the number she found on the brochure and tried to quell the butterflies in her stomach. It was now or never.
posted
Thanks! Here's an intro with a little richer of a POV:
Migau had a secret. Every time he walked past a newsstand, he had to check out the headlines of the gossip rags. This time was no different; he slowed down just enough to catch a glance at Bullie’s gazette. He was quickly skimming the front page—and then he was reading it more carefully, because Bullie had put a picture of his brother Jerome on the cover under the screaming title, “Hottest Young Stars of the Science Society!” He picked up a copy, silently cursing the gossipmonger for being able to pull him in. He skimmed the article pretty quickly—it didn’t have many facts, though she managed to get Jerome’s bio mostly right: paper on the Church in Ungavet, favorite of Lord Valant, eligible bachelor, probable future member of the Regaliam. She also gave profiles on a few other people,
[This message has been edited by talsmitde (edited September 06, 2008).]
posted
This is a lot closer to hooking me. The hook you had, IMHO, was the MC's mention in the article, but now that's gone. If the MC scans the article, he's going to see his name jump out. Once he skims it, his focus should be on what they said about him, not about Jermone's bio or other profiles.
posted
Here's another go at the intro, let me know what you think:
Migau had a bad habit. Every time he walked past the newsstand, he slowed down just enough to sneak a glance at the tabloids. Too afraid of being spotted by a friend or a colleague, he never actually stopped to read a story. If one looked interesting, he'd send Neapol out later to pick up a copy. Only this time, one of the gossip rags had his brother on the cover under the headline "Hot Young Stars of the Science Society." He stopped, grabbed a copy, and flipped to the story. His name jumped out at him from the bottom of the page. "Migau Montarte-Lontane, a specialist on the colonies and political economy. Only 23,
[This message has been edited by talsmitde (edited October 20, 2008).]
posted
OK if this was Chinese dinner I would order combo number 2 The first was so much information my eyes were glazing over. The second had me....I was wondering about what mischief Jerome had gotten into, what place Migau had in his society that his brothers antics would threaten him, and it also placed the lord and the church and everything at a distance so that they didn't threaten building a quick interest in your MC I would read more along those lines Posts: 690 | Registered: Oct 2008
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