posted
This is a new start to a WIP and I only have about 500 words so far on the rewrite. Looking for feedback and read offers. (I seem to write more when someone is waiting for it. )The setting is fairly typical fantasy world late-medieval/feudal/pre-gunpowder. The main fantasy element is shape-changing. The girl gets to become a Tyger. (Are you seeing where the title of my intro came from?) And the tiger is actually the second thing; the first is military boot camp. I want to take Lili through the same transformation that I had at Parris Island. And I’m going to let her turn into a tiger, which I just think is cool. So the Amazon-like group that she joins all get to turn into some type of wildcat. Hers just happens to be a snow white Siberian tiger.
Meet Lili…
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Nothing with me is ever easy. I could have had it good. All I had to do was convince some blockheaded simpering fool of an heir that I would make the perfect little wife for him, and the rest of my life would have been fruit juice with ice chips, rose gardens, and golden trinkets. The only problem with that little fantasy is that it was never mine. Even if I had been willing, for my father’s sake, to endure such a gilded cage, none of those eligible fools was fool enough to mistake me for a timid little house mouse.
I can ride at full gallop and put an arrow cleanly through a doe’s eye, I can skin and dress it, and I can tan the hide velvety soft. What I can’t do is pretend to be other than I am.
posted
I waffled on the voice. It sounded a bit too modern, and I found myself surprised to see reference to bows and arrows. However, I like the strength of your character's voice. There's no mistaking her.
The biggest problem for me, and I almost hate to say it, but at this point I'm a little wary of books which somehow or another make of point of their female MC not fitting in to the conventional women's world. I feel like I come across it all the time. I almost would be more drawn in if she simply were what she is, without having to address it. But that's just me.
posted
Thanks for your thoughts. I’ve always loved the stories where the female MC doesn’t fit in, largely because I always felt like I never fit in. That there seems to be so many of this type of story makes me wonder if the common theme is among female fantasy readers or writers.
I chose this story out of many different ideas because it is something that I know. I want to tell the story of a girl experiencing military training, but I was at a loss for why she would leave home to do such a thing. So what I was left with is why I did. Before I joined the Marine Corps I backed myself into a corner where I’d burned all of my bridges and really didn’t have any more appealing options.
But that’s just me, I haven’t managed to do anything the easy way in my whole life.
--Kait
[This message has been edited by Josephine Kait (edited September 06, 2008).]
posted
You're running smack dab into the reason 1st person POV can be so tricky: People don't like braggarts. Your character sounds like a spoiled child who needs a good spanking, a Veruca Salt if you please. We all loved it when she went bye-bye. Take gender out of it because that’s not where the problem is here at all. IMHO 1st person is best with extremely humble, good people, or complete reprobates who are on the road to redemption. Why? Because by default this POV is "I this” and "I that,” and the heinous “I can do this” or “I did this”, and so on to the point that it all comes out as braggadocio. Everyone has a knee-jerk reaction to it. I suggest you dump 1st person POV or make this character sympathetic ASAP. Also, you’re telling, not showing. Instead of opening the story with a self indulgent monologue, start with this character in the midst of experiencing the raw deal that’s got her so worked up. Maybe then I’d care. Right now I don’t like her at all.
Posts: 112 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
The juice with ice chips makes me think this is modern.
Maybe you could work more on compare and contrast in the opening. I thought the huntress part went on too long.
I can ride at a full gallop and put an arrow through the eye of a deer. What I can't do is sit for three hours and nod my head while listening to fools go on about their latest stock trade or affair. As for ...
Be more specific and do that with types your readers can sit their nodding their heads agreeing with you.
posted
Hi Kait, sounds like a compelling reason to write this story. Please remember, my critique of your opening has nothing to do with your life or your reasons to write the story, or why the story might be important to you. It is simply one person's opinions, and since this is a board for sharing them, I gave you my honest reaction as a reader who enjoys the fantasy genre.
Posts: 2185 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
The idea sounds like an interesting one. I didn't see anything wrong with this beginning per se, but something did feel off. Perhaps it's because she starts of by calling the pampered wife role "I could have had it good" like she would have liked it and considered it an ideal. But the second paragraph seems to refute that, that she thinks it should be her ideal, but she isn't remotely interested in it.
Perhaps something like arriki's suggested beginning (a quick contrast of what she likes and doesn't like) would work better. Just don't spend too much time telling us about her before getting into the story.
Or why not just start with the action? For example, start with a scene of her meeting a rich fellow who's droning on about his mansion while she's daydreaming about going hunting. Perhaps have her realize she's messed up her chance yet again though she's having trouble really caring or have her mentally chastise herself for not fitting in better. Or whatever. I'll be more engaged by reading about her in action than by reading a semi-generic description of a "rebelious fantasy heroine" stock character.
annepin, I really wasn’t taking it personally, I was just trying to explain why I went in that direction. I appreciate your comments and thank you very much for them.
I’m not terribly attached to this opening, and that’s probably a bad sign.
Okay, I’ve got some ideas and I’m off to do a rewrite.
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)The setting is fairly typical fantasy world late-medieval/feudal/pre-gunpowder. The main fantasy element is shape-changing. The girl gets to become a Tyger. (Are you seeing where the title of my intro came from?) And the tiger is actually the second thing; the first is military boot camp. I want to take Lili through the same transformation that I had at Parris Island. And I’m going to let her turn into a tiger, which I just think is cool. So the Amazon-like group that she joins all get to turn into some type of wildcat. Hers just happens to be a snow white Siberian tiger.
