Okay...so I had a thought. There is another character that is important to the story, yet he doesn't show up till midway through the book. Soooo whilst I was camping a thought came to me...allow him to narrate. Okay so maybe a little muse put the idea into my head.
Anywho...the result is as follows...it's the "Prologue" of sorts. The actual chapter one beginning is what I hadposted earlier.
~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The good book says perfect love has no man than the one who lays down his life for his friend. Well brothers and sisters, I'm here today to tell you a story, a life story, about such friends. Such friends who, before they were ever born were destined to be together. God though, has a funny way of bringing people together and when it came to this group of men he didn't hold back any stops.
You see, each of us has a past. Some better than others. Some we'd like just to forget and leave behind, but we can't. No, the past has this way of following us around where ever we go. Funny how it should work that way.
posted
I'm reading this and wondering, why am I reading this? It tells us what the story is about. So why wouldn't I just read the story? You've told us your reason for wanting to have it in (to introduce the character) but I'm afraid as your reader it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I'd probably skip the prologue and head right to the first chapter.
If you want to introduce this character early on maybe there's a scene he could act out?
posted
You are telling instead of showing in this paragraph. You have told me everything about the story in the first paragraph, and now I read on feeling lazy. I would much rather meet the characters. Or, better yet, greet me with an interesting piece of action. There has to be a hook, or there is no reason to read on.
The line about "the good book" tells me something about the story and the narrator and is a nice touch that I would keep.
posted
I would whittle down the charming narrative and hook the reader with something unexpected. From the backstory you are building, it sounds like this "group of men" are tied by some interesting event. I want at least a hint at this event in these first thirteen lines. It was an enjoyable read though.
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If you want an honest response to this, then my response is, scrap it. Get rid of this and start over. It's all wrong. Please don't be discouraged by this as a writer, but do be discouraged from using anything written here. The first line doesn't make any sense, I had to read it three times just to get the general jist. The person who's talking to the reader, whoever that is, I find to be quite patronising. Don't call me your brother, it implies some kind of religous connection between me and the character. Then you say, I'm here to tell you a story. Well...why am I reading about you telling me your about to tell me a story? It's a book, of course it's a story. Also, don't try and make a connetion between the reader and the character with religous references. I mentioned that a second ago but I mention it again because you do it several times here. Also, this line and what follows... "You see, each of us has a past." Well, I don't know anyone who needs to be told that. It's uber-patronising. The, "You see," bit implies that I perhaps wouldn't have known that we all have a past. You see where I'm coming from? Just a few things to look out for. Try not to talk down to your reader and try not to preach. That kind of thing is exchanged between characters in the story, not directly to the reader. "No, the past has this way of following us around where ever we go. Funny how it should work that way. " But if you think about it, it makes perfect sense and isn't funny at all. Of course the past follows us around, we are an amalgamation of our past. All of this is redundant.
Keep it up, keep going with it, whatever you do don't stop. But change all of this. Try coming at it from another angle.
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