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I've been working on this story for a little over a month now. I've got about 11,500 words so far, and the major conflict is finally becoming clear to the main character. Here's my first thirteen.
Questions? Comments? If anyone is interested in reading what I've got so far, by all means let me know and I'll email it to you. Thanks for the help.
Comfortable. One wouldn’t expect it, but there you are: head firmly wedged between his ankles, the bones of his under-muscular buttocks pressed firmly against the plastic of the trashcan, and yet somehow the gentle pressure on his shoulders and ribs made all the difference in the world. Ray could imagine his cares soaking out of his back until all was a blissful daze in a world filled with waste paper and used coffee grounds. In fact, Ray was almost – almost – disappointed when a face peered over the rim of his spot and broke his inner peace. Rather than blissful, this face was old, pudgy, beaded with sweat, and topped with the hat of a uniformed police officer. It was the face of a man who didn’t want to be here. It was the
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 16, 2008).]
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I actually really liked this, seems dark in some way - almost leading to the question "does this kid like to be picked on?" does he go out of his way to get stuffed into a garbage can, what the hell else does he like?
My major problem was with the first line
"Comfortable. One wouldn’t expect it, but there you are: head firmly wedged between his ankles, the bones of his under-muscular "
"but there you are" is confusing wording because your move to third person next. I had to read it over a couple of times to understand it was just a rhetorical statement, but its a statment that would be made if this was in first person (even then it would be confusing as part of the second sentence of a story) I would suggest starting something like "Most people wouldn't expect it, but Ray was comfortable.." I realize that's a pretty weak beginning, but something along those lines.
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Okay, yeah. I initially started this paragraph in first person, but I converted to third later on. That must be a holdover from my old form. Thanks, I'll change that.
Posts: 9 | Registered: Sep 2008
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A kid stuffed into a trash can? I thought it was a homeless person who had found himself a tight spot to hole up in (maybe the can was overturned?). I expected the peering face to be another homeless guy looking for food. The cop calling this person "wuss" was too subtle for me to pick up on your intention.
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Well, it's not a kid being bullied, nor is it a homeless person. I was trying to set the setting and then tell you what's going on, but the explanation is the whole first chapter.
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I would totally read on. I love it. I don't care that I don't know why he's in there, or what his situation is (kid, homeless, etc.). He does seem like a youth, though.
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Tbeard, you definitely hooked me. I don't know what's going on with Ray, but I want to find out more. Good job!
Posts: 12 | Registered: Sep 2008
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Okay, I feel better knowing he's not a kid (I didn't completely miss something). Yes, I would definitely read on--I want to know how he's going to get out of there, and what he's doing in there in the first place. This guy seems either really pitiful, or very well grounded, and I can't tell which yet.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited September 16, 2008).]
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No takers so far? I can read through it, TBeard. Let me know what you expect in the way of an edit, and I'll have a go. Email me offline at 'esowens@sbcglobal.net' if you're interested.
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