Though not obvious from the opening, this is a YA science fiction novel, completed at around 160,000 words.
He really was trying to be optimistic about the first day of eighth grade, but deep down he already knew better. No longer one of the youngest kids in Jefferson Middle School, Max Davis held high hopes for the upcoming school year. Seventh grade had lived up to the disaster he had expected. Ninth graders thought they ruled the world, or at least the little part of it that was bounded by the school fenceline. And they thought seventh graders had no higher purpose in life than to provide them with easy fodder for their endless practical jokes and bullying. By the end of the school year, the ninth graders were so well practiced at their techniques that they could reduce the first years into sniveling crybabies with little more effort than a sideways glare. Eighth graders usually seemed to float in a
I am mostly new to Hatrack and anxious to get some feedback from someone other than the wife and kids (they tend to be biased, though in opposite directions).
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 10, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Locherlaw (edited November 15, 2008).]
posted
You know, as a paragraph, its pretty good. I like the first sentence. The flow is very good. Your variety is good. The content is good. As a paragraph that is setting the scene, it is good. I would read more. The whole paragraph paints a scene of school that I (being home-schooled, then charter schooled) have never seen. It's also fun to read.
I have no problem with this paragraph (leave it to the pros to find problems with it). Now, if I saw the rest of it, I'm sure I could find something, but that's not what you asked for. It's good, and if the rest of the story is like it, than the story is great!
posted
Welcome to Hatrack! Its obviously YA; the speculative element (sci-fi angle) is not required up front in a novel.
I can remember middle school and how awful it sometimes was. I have a feel for what you want to get across, but the numerous references to grade levels are distracting. One idea is to leave in the first reference (he’s starting eighth grade) and leave out the others. It enough to show there are more powerful/less powerful kids, often divided by relative age.
What you have now is telling us what Max is thinking and feeling. I would rather experience it. I think it would be more powerful if you start with the next-door neighbor. Paint a scene where Stony does one of his usual tricks, almost reducing Max to tears. Let that incident dash his hopes. Show the scene and then dip into Max’s head, his point of view (POV). If you have a scene like that coming up, then I think you could significantly cut your opening. Let that upcoming scene show us what is explained here, and sprinkle in Max’s thoughts.
posted
I second Mrs. Brown. The first line was great, the second was good and still within the realm of my patience. After that, you've taken us to a flashback and more telling. Take us from those first two lines to showing us what Max is going through. The reason YA books work or don't, IMHO, is whether the writer can establish an instant connection between the reader and the MC. If not, the book gets put down. Right now I'm wading through too much to get back to Max.
Also, 160K!! Congrats for finishing and YIPES! That's HUGE even for a fantasy/Sci Fi. It's two or possibly three books for YA. Good luck on the editing phase.
posted
Thanks for the feedback, both of you. I'll work on some changes and repost the opening.
As for the size, I didn't plan it that way when I started, but it did grow bigger than I expected. Sort of took on a life of its own. There isn't really any mid-point that I could chop it into more than one book, either.
posted
It's a 1st novel hazard. Don't feel bad. My first draft was pushing 200K. On edits it's been as low as 80K, and should round out at about 120K which is just fine.
He really was trying to still be optimistic about the first day of eighth grade, but deep down he already knew better. The fact that he was currently sprinting through the woods for his life, with Stony Mitchell hot on his trail, should have been an obvious clue. Max hadn’t even made it into the school building before fate had reared its ugly head. Stony’s brain might work incredibly slowly, but that limitation didn’t extend to his legs. The bully was undoubtedly gaining fast, though Max knew better than to look back. He was only about ten steps into the woods when he heard the first yell from Stony. “Get back here ya maggot! Let me pound on your head some.” He sounded a little ways behind, but not far enough. If Max could stay a few steps ahead, he might be able to lose him down one of the side paths
Any improvement?
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 15, 2008).]
"Get back here ya maggot! Let me pound on your head some,” Stony Mitchell said as Max sprinted into the woods.
He hadn’t even made it into the school building before fate had reared its ugly head, in the shape of an irate Stony. Stony’s brain might work incredibly slowly, but that limitation didn’t extend to his legs.
???
This "The bully was undoubtedly gaining fast" sounds like a POV violation because how would Max know unless he looked.
IMHO, start with Max running away rather than musing about trying to be optomistic when someone wants to pound your brains in since where Max ends up sounds like your hook/plot line anyway.
posted
Depending on the direction your headed in I like what you have. Optimistically what you have laid as a groundwork won't be the focal point of the story. I'm a firm believer of show don't tell. All in all you do well painting word pictures.
Posts: 11 | Registered: Nov 2007
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He really was trying to be optimistic about the first day of eighth grade, but deep down he already knew better...
Here I'd move "for his life."
...The fact that he was currently sprinting for his life, through the woods, with Stony Mitchell hot on his trail should have been an obvious clue....
...Max hadn’t even made it to (I like "in" or "to" here better than "into") the school building before fate (delete "had")reared its ugly head. Stony’s brain might work incredibly slow (not slowly), but that limitation didn’t extend to his legs...
Here I deleted "undoubtedly"
...The bully was gaining fast.
New sentence.
...Max knew better than to look back. He was only about ten steps into the woods when he heard the first yell from Stony. “Get back here ya maggot! Let me pound on your head some.” (I love that line by the way.)
I changed this last part.
...The bully wasn't far behind, but if Max could stay a few steps ahead, he might be able to lose him down a side path.
posted
Coming from a legal writting background were maximum word counts are tightly controlled, and the principle is less is better my comments are to suggest some words that can be deleted yet maintain the storyline and flow. My edit....
He really was trying to still be optimistic about the first day of eighth grade, but he already knew. He was sprinting through the woods for his life, with Stony Mitchell hot on his trail, was an obvious clue. Max hadn’t even made it to school before fate reared its ugly head. Stony’s brain worked incredibly slow, his legs were diffrent. The bully was gaining fast, Max knew better than to look back. He was only ten steps into the woods when Stony yelled. “Get back here ya maggot! Let me pound on your head some.” He sounded a little ways behind, but not far enough. If Max could stay ahead, he might be able to lose him on a side path
This is about a 15% reduction in print length. (I was to lazy to count the words, actually my eyes aren't focusing that will this a.m.) I hope this helps in your future edits. Editing is about as painful as watching your child's first curly locks being sheered off and landing on the floor. People can say what they want about editing, but it is PERSONAL, you created those words and now some unfaced critic says they are unimportant or cumbersome. What do they know, they weren't there when you struggled to give them life!!! Good luck
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