posted
The echo of clanging steel was loud and clear in the crisp cool air of Ocean Island. The sun was shining bright above the training session. That was a good sign. Another good sign was the birds, singing their evening song. The sparring swords danced around each other their contact adding to the music. The opponents concentrated intently on the match, focusing all of their energy, all of their strength. The blows were graceful and fluid showing both skill and practice. The style was casually refreshing to the knowledgeable observer. To the onlooker without knowledge though, it seemed pointless. “Master, why are they doing this. I don’t see its purpose,” a young apprentice said. What could be the point of watching two impressive students play at combat? He had been here for nearly a month and was yet to pick up a sword.
Posts: 11 | Registered: Nov 2007
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posted
A couple things tend to throw me, though I enjoy the overall feel of the first thirteen. I've always enjoyed stories that cover the training aspects of the soldiers.
Firstly, you say that the sun is shining bright above the training session, but two sentences later, the birds are singing their evening song. I can't get a feel for what time it really is and it throws off my immersion.
Secondly, you seem to repeat at the end. "To the onlooker without knowledge though, it seemed pointless." “Master, why are they doing this. I don’t see its purpose,” "What could be the point of watching two impressive students play at combat?" Three sentences in a row that all say the exact same thing. My recommendation would be to leave the speech and ditch the others. I'd rather hear the MC express his confusion than have it told to me.
posted
There's no hook for me. The writing is smooth and sets the scene well but I'm wondering what the student is: "why am I watching this?"
The first paragraph doesn't seem routed in a POV. The reason I say this is, in part, this sentance: "To the onlooker without knowledge though, it seemed pointless. That's full Omni. If the student is the POV, the thought should be colored from his perception like you do in the second paragraph with "What could be the point of watching two impressive students play at combat?"
The second paragraph is still somewhat full Omni - example - "the young apprentice said." If either the master or the apprentice is the POV they will know the apprentice's name and use it.
If you are trying for full omni, ask yourself why. It's VERY hard to do well. Try to sink into a character's head/POV. If you do that, even without an obvious hook, I might read on since your writing and scene painting is pretty strong.
posted
Ah, it's time for me to have a shot at this critiquing thing...
There's the sun/evening issue, and the last sentence of the first paragraph throws me off too. What I thought could have been done better is actually a bit specific - when you have the sentences "The blows were graceful and fluid showing both skill and practice. The style was casually refreshing to the knowledgeable observer.", they seemed a bit choppy because they were talking about similar things and their structures were the same. I thought you could combine them to maybe "The blows were graceful and fluid showing both skill and practice while the style casually refreshing to the knowledgeable observer." Or something. I think your control of language is great, and I especially like the beginning description (with the good signs) and the last sentence for some reason. And I think your title is refreshing. It's something that I would consider picking off a bookshelf.
I hope that's what I was supposed to do. I'm new to the whole editing thing. Good luck!
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