CHAPTER ONE-- KING HENRY IS DEAD

When William was a boy his father was poisoned. The man died coughing blood, spitting foam, his eyes bulging, and fists slamming against the table. It was a horrible thing to see. Maria and William watched in shocked horror as their father sprayed blood into the open screaming mouth of their stepmother. One of the servants, a man named Samuel David Hail had slipped a deadly potion into the King’s stew. Immediately all persons with access to the food were sequestered and interrogated. When the investigators brought Hail in for questioning he began sweating. His hollow face went ghostly pale. Then, in the middle of his interview, he stood abruptly and ran straight out the window to his death.

You have not established the Point of View (POV) yet. Whose head are we in?
“When William was a boy” indicates he’s a man now, but you seem to bounce between looking back in time and being in the scene when it is happening. How about telling the story from young William’s perspective, as it is happening? Maybe first establish the setting and how William interacts with other characters, and then start into the father’s death toward the end of the 13 lines. What does William see? I want to feel the boy's fear/confusion/loss as his beloved father dies.

Side note: its better to sequester and question Hail, and see his actions, rather than start out by telling us he was the poisoner.

I suspect that you are trying to establish that William had an awful experience when he was young. Let us experience it with him, and then when the scene(s) are completed, provide a section break and shift to William as an adult. You have a potentially powerful scene here; slow down and paint the picture, instead of giving the news summary, so we can sink into it and root for poor William.

Here's a revision. I'm trying not to get bogged down in this part of the story. King Henry was assassinated. That's the main thing. The story I'm telling is what happened after that.

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King Henry was poisoned. The man died coughing blood, his eyes bulging, and fists slamming against the diner table. Maria and William watched in shocked horror as their father bled and their stepmother screamed.

Immediately all persons with access to the king’s food were sequestered and interrogated. Samuel David Hail was the tenth man questioned. He was usurer into the library and took a seat facing a plump, mustached inspector. The men sat on opposite sides of an enormous, ancient, and most elaborately carved desk. Inspector Rolland set a coffee cup on the unprotected wood. Hail eyed the cup, annoyed.

Rolland adjusted his glasses, examining a piece of paper as his thumb moved over a list of names. “Mr. Hail, I presume.”

It still starts like a newspaper story. The death scene in paragraph 1 is a summary, not a scene.

quote:

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I'm trying not to get bogged down in this part of the story. King Henry was assassinated. That's the main thing. The story I'm telling is what happened after that.

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Now we see what Hail sees and you tell us he's annoyed. But why is he annoyed? What is he thinking? Give us reasons for his feelings.

Does he really think of himself as Hail? It is a POV violation to use a name that he doesn't use when thinking of himself. Also, Rolland could provide us with his full name.

Nit-pick: "The men sat" sounds like both of them sat down. Is Rolland standing when Hail comes in?

Comment: When I see a King, I think fantasy world or historical fiction. The cup of coffee sounds modern/real world and doesn't feel like it fits. Americans "forget" that England and other countries still have royalty, so it would help me to know where you are.

A great book, by the way: Orson Scott Card (OSC) Characters and Viewpoint.

Here’s another go at it. This time I hope the death scene is an honest-to-goodness scene, not just a summary. Although, here you don’t get to read anything about the inspector and Mr. Hail because it takes too many lines to get to them. I’ve commented on your last post below this new attempt at a stellar first thirteen.

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King Henry died coughing blood, his eyes bulging, and fists slamming against the diner table. Maria and William watched in shocked horror as their father bled and their stepmother screamed. Then Miranda was at her husband’s side, her hands moving through his hair, over his chest, and behind his neck. She was shaking. And there were servants in black uniforms pressing in on them. The men were calling out. Beyond the dining room the yelling started. Many voices calling, one to another. There was crying and screaming despair, and screaming anger, and there was disbelief.
Miranda wept openly over her husband, cradling his head in her hands. And all the while Maria and William sat motionless and silent beside one another, her hand squeezing his.

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This scene is modern day. It’s in the late 70s- early 80s. (I know that’s not in the fist thirteen lines, but it becomes apparent pretty fast. Not only are there coffee cups, but there are also guns. Rolland is wearing one.)

I really hope I don’t come across as argumentative here. I just want to understand where you’re coming from.

“Hail eyed the cup, annoyed” isn’t really a POV, is it? The guy is annoyed and it shows. Hail was annoyed because the inspector is risking a coffee spill on a piece of furniture that’s hundreds of years old. Did that not come through? It might not have.

When the interrogation scene goes inside someone’s head it will be the head of the inspector. In just a little while Rolland starts analyzing Hail’s dress and demeanor.

I thought that the first version was, by far, the best. The writing was clear and interesting. I was also grossed out by the images, but I still wanted to read more.

I really don't think that your opening should have been picked apart so much.

My only issues were:

1. The use of the word horror in back to back sentences. It made me stop and think about you, the author, instead of just focusing on the story.

2. The duel POV. I would have to read the whole first chapter, though, to know which line had the violation.

3. Location in time. I didn't think it was a problem when I read the first version, but you commented later that it was a modern day setting. Because of the title of the chapter, that didn't come through at all. If this becomes apparent fairly soon, then I wouldn't worry about it. It's also okay to do a tiny bit of explanation in your first paragraph if it needs it. Like OSC says, the first paragraph is free.

I thought that it was an attention grabbing first 13. If the event is really not important to the story, then by all means, keep the first version. Get on to what's important. Your first instinct was right on.

In short...nice job.

As you critique other people's first 13's, and see what others comment on, you'll get a feel for where you want to write differently.

“Hail eyed the cup, annoyed”

is POV. I think that that entire section was omniscient. You had the children horrified, then the inspector's appearance described, then Hail annoyed. Not one of your characters could have said all that.

In my opinion, if you're going to have the chapter in the inspector's POV, you should start with that. Or just stick with omniscient through the whole chapter.

My other recommendation would be to try and work on the overall flow of your writing. Some of the sentences strike me as being short and choppy and I can't quite get into the scene because of it.

The scene itself holds interest for me, but it seems almost rushed. You said that this portion is just back story and not the main focus of the book, but there are some interesting points that I'd love to see expanded on. The interrogation in your first sample lasts only three sentences but ends with Hail jumping from a window... Wow! That has so much more potential than just three short sentences. What was the buildup to the suicide? What questions were asked? What were the answers? How did Hail get from the point of being brought in to the point of killing himself? There is so much potential there that would keep me interested as a reader.