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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Once Upon A Nightmare

   
Author Topic: Once Upon A Nightmare
missjack
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A tale of darkly everafter.

YA Fantasy. I have a few more scenes to work out at the end, but it's rounding out to be about 100k.

First 13 lines of the first chapter:

Let me tell you a story. Itís my first, and itís a good one. And, yeah, everyone has a story, and probably more than one, but when I say itís my first and only, I mean it. For this reason, I need to tell it, and because, as I already said, life dealt me a whopper of a first story.
My story began because of, and during, my thirty-seventh reading of Dracula. I read under the coverage of my desk, glued into the familiar world of Translyvania, and I would only come out for two things: impending death, and role call. Mr. Patterson, my math teacher, called out the names on his clipboard.
ďViolet DarceyÖ?Ē He left the last syllable of my name hanging like an uncertain question. Adjusting his glasses, he


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EtherealReality
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I am entranced by your colloquial exposition, it is very fluid and fun to follow---it makes sense. That being said, I feel like you repeat the word "story" a few too many times; I would try using a synonym for at least one, and the "story" after, "...life dealt me a whopper of a first," you don't need. I don't know that you've reached the hook in the first 13 lines but I would continue reading just because of how well your opening flows.
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Pyraxis
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I'm hooked by the character name, for some reason, even though it sounds more like the kind of name a teenage girl wishes she had, than one parents would actually give a baby. Maybe it's because the narrative voice is done well.

I do think you spent too long on the idea of this being her first story, though. I understood and was ready to cut to the chase about halfway through the first paragraph.

"I read under the coverage of my desk" is a little awkward, unless Violet is characteristically formal. "I read under the cover of my desk" might sound more natural.

You could cut "like an uncertain question" from the end of the second-last sentence - the point is made with "He left the last syllable of my name hanging".

BTW - it's "roll call", not "role call".


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missjack
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Thank you for the comments-- they're very helpful! All those little things are the difference between good and better, and now that you say them, I think, 'Duh.'

As for it being not as catchy, I agree, but I'm still not sure how to make it so without the actin being pointless and/or confusing, but I'll keep it in mind as I make further edits.

Thanks again!


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JoeMaz
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I also really liked it.

There was one small thing.

____________________________


"Let me tell you a story... ...but when I say itís my first and only, I mean it."

In this second part Violet seems to be reminding the reader that this is her first and only story, but it's the first time we are learning that it's her ONLY story.

Does that make since?


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missjack
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Yes, it does. With the given suggestions, this is the new first paragraph:


Let me tell you a story. Itís my first, and itís a good one. And, yeah, everyone has a story, and probably more than one, but for being a little late in the game, life dealt me a whopper.


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