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Molly has a flair for the dramatic—she has just run away from the circus. Her plans to get by with her fortune-telling props has one draw-back, though. “Sucker” adults may be gullible, but when they see a girl doing all her own grocery shopping they start thinking the obvious: orphanages.
Her revised plan to trick a disreputable gentleman into thinking she's his daughter also doesn't go quite as she hoped. Mr. Poisson is not just a rake who wears loud colors—he's a con man himself, and sees right through her act. That doesn't mean he won't help her. Poisson thinks a maid with the ability to lie will be useful to him, and he hires her. Molly discovers soon that his work is more illegal and less wicked than she could have guessed: Poisson wants to bring back the rightful queen. The throne is now held by the queen's uncle, who everybody fears—for good reason.
Just as Molly is settling into life as a domestic for an agent of revolution, though, his treasonous politics are betrayed by a friend. The regime is not friendly to anyone supporting the exiled queen, and he will have to flee for his life. More in jest than anything, Poisson asks Molly for ideas. Is there any way he can finish promoting the queen in his last days as a man of society? Molly thinks something could come of putting on a show—literally. She is determined to create one, even if it means painting hundreds of posters herself.
The Carnie's Conspiracy is a lower YA fantasy of 30,000 words. Though I did go on to create a series continuing the story, I have tried to make it work as a stand-alone as well.
[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited January 06, 2009).]
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The 13-line rule doesn't apply to queries and synopses, if you'd like to post the whole thing here, ArachneWeave.
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I can see that you might get a lot of fun out of the irony of a girl running away FROM the circus. If I remember, you are approaching the story from a Lemony Snickett angle. I had a little trouble with the girl's age: she worries about the orphanage(I was thinking 12), but Poisson considers her for a maid (now I'm thinking 16+). I didn't see the rightful queen business coming and it confused me at first, because your other posts had not hinted at a monarchy. In fact I thought the main conflict was between Posson and the librarian.I guess you are raising the stakes.
I particularly didn't understand this comment: // He asks Molly if there is a way to make more people sympathize with the young queen in exile before he flees for his life, more in jest than anything. //
--especially the last 11 words.
If people don't sympathize with the queen, why bring her back? Who is in charge now? Someone really bad?
The literal(?) show (in a barn?)sounds like something from Rooney and Garland in the 40's. Just curious, are you planning a twist where Molly actually is Poisson's daughter and/or the queen's daughter?
I do think that one line needs work. I've tackled the issues you mentioned and will be posting the reworked version as soon as I'm done responding here....
There is no twist of Molly's parentage. There are some other fun twists, however (it IS that sort of story) and one of them involves Alan the librarian.
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I was hooked. Both Molly and Poisson sound like interesting people, and I like the shades of grey and clear depth to their characters.
"Sucker" adults may be gullible, but when they see a girl doing all her own grocery shopping they start thinking the obvious: orphanages. This logic throws me. If they are suckers, why is it obvious for them to think of orphanages? I also get the sense Molly's in a setting where it wouldn't be unusual for young kids to do their parents' chores like buying food.
Poisson wants to bring back the rightful queen. Big question, why? It's never answered. If Poisson's a con man, I'd expect him to thrive under a corrupt ruler. What's his stake?
his treasonous politics are betrayed by a friend. The regime is not friendly to anyone supporting the exiled queen, and he will have to flee for his life. Awkward, run-on. Could be shortened to "Poisson's treason is revealed by a friend, and he has to flee for his life."
More in jest than anything, Poisson asks Molly for ideas. Is there any way he can finish promoting the queen in his last days as a man of society? I'm turned off by the implication that Molly's role is trivial, since she's the MC. Why waste words on describing how he asks her? You could say something like "Molly is determined to help her new protector find a way to complete his work and restore the queen in his last days as a man of society."
Molly thinks something could come of putting on a show—literally. She is determined to create one, even if it means painting hundreds of posters herself. This could use more direct language. "She decides to put on a show of her own - a real one - even if it means painting hundreds of posters herself." Also, the last sentence kind of hangs. Add a conclusion along the lines of "Can she help Poisson evade the impostor king without revealing who she is and landing herself in an orphanage?"
Usually I find other peoples corrections need to be tweaked, but all those lines should be changed exactly the way you wrote them. I'm kind of in awe now.
That point about the grocery shopping...hmm. Very astute. I guess I was thinking too simplistically about this, having upper-class people with servants, etc. In the story I think it still works (though you scared me for a second there) because it's her *on-going* absence of a mother that's the problem. I have to word it that way somehow or think of another illustration I guess...
Again, thanks. You are awesome.
[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited January 07, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited January 08, 2009).]
quote: Molly has a flair for the dramatic — she has just run away from the circus. Her plans to get by with her fortune-telling props has one draw-back, though. Her little brother Sherry, who is only 8, is not cut out for long-distance travel.
Her revised plan is to trick a disreputable gentleman into thinking they are his children. This also doesn't go quite as she hoped. Mr. Poisson is not just a rake who wears loud colors — he's playing a part himself, and sees right through her act. That doesn't mean he won't help her. Poisson thinks a servant with the ability to lie will be useful to him, and he hires her. Molly gets to help him flout the police, who would throw him in jail if they knew he was planning to bring the rightful queen back to the throne.
Mr. Poisson is betrayed by a friend almost as soon as Molly joins his cause. She's determined his work shouldn't go to waste just because he was interrupted — the current paranoid regime has caused oppression for traveling performers as much as anybody. Maybe something could come of putting on a show. Molly is determined to create one, even if it means painting hundreds of posters all by herself. She just has to write a play, find a stage ... and persuade the audience to not lynch Mr. Poisson until it is over.
[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited January 08, 2009).]
I like the second version better. Some good details that didn't make it in the first time.
What role do mothers typically play for girls Molly's age in this land? Would she have to chaperone Molly around men? I would imagine that Molly would be expected to keep her mother's house, unless she's trying to pose as an aristocrat, but her lack of a home wouldn't be discovered without her parents inviting over friends to be entertained. Or maybe Sherry's the real problem, because parents would be expected to set up an apprenticeship or some kind of schooling for him, and Molly couldn't pose as an adult to do that. Maybe the lack of a father is the real danger. Just some ideas.
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Wouldn't it be "Her plans to get by with her fortune-telling props have one drawback though."?
How about replacing 'get by' with 'make her living'.
And if she looks too young to be travelling with an eight year old 'son', or if he's too unhealthy to travel, I think that would make a better argument than the one about him not being cut out for long distance travel, because plenty of eight year olds travel a lot--especially if he just came from the circus.
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I have very little experience critiquing this type of thing, but I'll give it a shot.
quote: Molly has a flair for the dramatic—she has just run away from the circus. Her plans to get by with her fortune-telling props has one draw-back, though. “Sucker” adults may be gullible, but when they see a girl doing all her own grocery shopping they start thinking the obvious: orphanages.
The bold here gave me a little trouble. I can't really say what it is, but that it just didn't make much sense to me. She's good at tricking people... but she's afraid of being seen as an orphan? I don't know, maybe its just me, I just didn't quite understand.
quote:Her revised plan to trick a disreputable gentleman into thinking she's his daughter also doesn't go quite as she hoped. Mr. Poisson is not just a rake who wears loud colors—he's a con man himself, and sees right through her act. That doesn't mean he won't help her. Poisson thinks a maid with the ability to lie will be useful to him, and he hires her. Molly discovers soon that his work is more illegal and less wicked than she could have guessed: Poisson wants to bring back the rightful queen. The throne is now held by the queen's uncle, who everybody fears—for good reason.
The bold here felt awkward to me. I thought that it could be shortened to "fails as well", or something similarly short. As it is now, I had to reread it because of the awkwardness. This very well may be unique to me.
The passage gets me interested in the story. Props on that. Just a few minor areas that confused me
[This message has been edited by Gan (edited January 08, 2009).]
quote:What role do mothers typically play for girls Molly's age in this land? Would she have to chaperone Molly around men? I would imagine that Molly would be expected to keep her mother's house, unless she's trying to pose as an aristocrat, but her lack of a home wouldn't be discovered without her parents inviting over friends to be entertained. Or maybe Sherry's the real problem, because parents would be expected to set up an apprenticeship or some kind of schooling for him, and Molly couldn't pose as an adult to do that. Maybe the lack of a father is the real danger. Just some ideas.
I'm pretty happy with how it goes in the manuscript--it's making it make sense in the query, in a more reduced form, that's not easy... Basically, Molly could be a migrant fortune-teller, if she didn't have Sherry to worry about. When she tries to stop for a few days, people notice they're not with a troupe or family and start to give her a hassle.
(It is not possible to be anonymous quite the same way as we can, in more family-centric times and cultures, and that's true in my story as well.)
quote:Wouldn't it be "Her plans to get by with her fortune-telling props have one drawback though."?
Whoa! Good catch, thank you!
quote:
And if she looks too young to be travelling with an eight year old 'son', or if he's too unhealthy to travel, I think that would make a better argument than the one about him not being cut out for long distance travel, because plenty of eight year olds travel a lot--especially if he just came from the circus.
Thanks for pointing this out. I made it traveling "by foot". Does that make more sense?
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