posted
Basic concept is a conflict between two angelic sisters. One tears off the wing of the other, and the crippled one has to find a way to confront her sister and kill her.
Rin felt the blade twist in her shoulder, and once again the walls rang with her screams of agony. Her body thrashed against the restraints in another futile attempt to pull away from the knife, then collapsed in a broken heap on the table. The surgical drone let a moist hiss of agitation escape from its respirator. Biologics were always so cursedly uncooperative. It flicked Rin’s blood from its cutting phalanges in a quick, practiced motion, and then cut into her again. Another scream, and even through the blinding pain Rin felt the hot tears stream down her face. A shard of broken wing fell to join the growing pile on the floor.
[This message has been edited by Kujo (edited February 16, 2009).]
Hey Kujo, Exciting opening. I would definitely read on. A couple of minor issues.
quote: Her body thrashed against the restraints in another futile attempt to pull away from the knife, then collapsed in a broken heap on the table.
I would leave out 'futile'. The reader knows it's a futile attempt as soon as we read the word 'attempt'. In the words of Yoda: You either do, or you do not, there is no 'attempt'.
quote: The surgical drone let a moist hiss of agitation escape from its respirator.
Wait...what??? Angels don't use respirators. Not even the ones with asthma. Seriously though, this line took me right out of the story. Consider moving it farther down for a smoother transition into the tech piece of your tale.
quote: It flicked Rin’s blood from its cutting phalanges in a quick, practiced motion, and then cut into her again.
Definition of Phalange: pl. phalanges - Anatomy - A bone of a finger or toe. Also called phalange.
So..that being said..it flicked Rin's blood from it's cutting finger bone? ??????
Was I unclear in showing that the drone is the one with the respirator, and is not an angel itself? When I wrote it it didn't even occur to me that a reader would get that confused.
Point taken on repititious words and overly difficult vocabulary.
EDIT Also, as a side note, "Do, or do not. There is no try."
[This message has been edited by Kujo (edited February 17, 2009).]
posted
Hey Kujo, Ok...so I took some artistic liberties with my last post. No, you were clear that it was the drone with the respirator, but it still caught me off guard because when I think angels, I don't think surgical drones...or surgery. The phalange comment still has me confused though. But I still love the overall concept and opening line.
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posted
The phalanges line doesn't bother me. I get it, it's a surgical drone, and it's fingers are it's cutting tools, right?
I also kind of like the combination angels and technology. It's new and different to me. It's a blurring of the line between fantasy and sci-fi that I find appealing.
What does bother me is the drone's attitude. It's annoyed, and it curses at its patient. I've bought everything you've sold up until now, but that is where you lose me. It is a machine. It can't feel annoyed, and I doubt it would curse.
[This message has been edited by LucyintheSky (edited February 18, 2009).]
posted
I would have to agree with a couple of the above comments, the phalage comment didn't strike me as odd as the surgical drone would most likely have an arm with a knife at the end instead of having a hand hold a knife.
Having said that the drone getting agitated or annoyed didn't bother me either, because as we're talking about Angels I can certainly, for the moment, believe that somehow machines can be programmed to have feelings. This will have to be addressed later exactly how this is to be, but for now I can handle it.
One thing though that does trouble me is the change in POV from the first paragraph to the second. It goes from Rin's to the Drone ("bio...are so uncooperative" must be the thoughts of the Drone).
You have a good idea here, and a good voice, but be consistent within a scene as to where you're speaking frm.
[This message has been edited by Jaz (edited February 18, 2009).]
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