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Author Topic: possible story entry
drake the thall
Member # 8042

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He hunted the dragons to extinction. They are no longer to roam the land.
He hunted the giants to extinction. They, too, are gone forever.
And now he is hunting me.
These are my last words, scratched into the walls of a cave. My only hope is that he does not find and destroy them. I was betrayed. My guards are dead. I am dying. But I am not without hope. With my final breath I will send the subject of his hunt, the mystic sword bloodwrath, to the other realm. There is my son and only heir. Then I will throw myself at the forces of my enemy. My blood will burn like a sun, and I will travel the path wrought by my proud fathers. They will know my name and my anger.
Forgive me, Andromoidus. I have failed.

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Bent Tree
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This didn't do it for me. I didn't feel in the moment. It seemed far too telling. I would Deepen the POV, set the scene, give us some more emotion.

I want to see his hand tremble, sweat fall and smudge the sand on the wall he is inscribing what he fears to be his last word. I want to feel his panic when the ground trembles as whatever chases him nears.

The premise here is fantastic, and I think you are off to a great start, but this needs to be slowed and showed...not told.

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Member # 2913

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I agree with Bent. whos writing this? whats chasing him/her? where is he? basic questions. it didnt tell us enough, and it told us too much at the same time.
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Member # 8277

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They (are) no longer (to) roam the land. Do you need are and to?

I didn't catch it at first that his son was in the other realm....

There is my son and only heir.
I read it more like: There is (Still) my son and only heir. as though he was the one that could take on the fight, conflict etc.....perhaps if you had the sword sent to him...it might clean up the concept...I also would be tempted to say something like:
Forgive me, Andromoidus, my son, I have failed you.
if in fact he is your son.

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Member # 8434

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I agree with Bent and dreadlord. A good idea, but a little more emotion would do.
What is he scratching the words with? A stone? Bleeding fingers?
Show us his fear and depression at failing.

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Brant Danay
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They are no longer to roam the land.

I think someone mentioned this, but the words "are" and "to" are out of place. Probably just leftovers from a previous edit that went unnoticed.

the mystic sword bloodwrath,

I would capitalize the sword's name, Bloodwrath (which I love, by the way)

I think that this might not be clicking for some people because of the short and choppy sentences. It's not a big deal for me, as it may be reflective of the main character and his thought processes and/or speaking methods, or maybe that's just how you want to write it, which is cool. Just something to consider, but not necessarily important.

There's lots of good stuff in here. I'd definitely read on.

Best regards,


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Member # 8082

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I like the story and where this seems to be going, but I have to agree with the others. It doesn't feel like the story has started yet. The lines are distant. I would keep reading though, because I like the premise you've set up, if after these first thirteen it delved into the story and this was just a short set up.

It seems like this (woman/man I assumed woman but it's not clear) is not the main character and her? son is. Maybe you could start with the son recieving word his mother/father has been killed or with him getting the sword (can she attach a note). Nice job, sounds interesting.

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