posted
So, this isn't my first book that I've tried writing but it's the first one I've been really serious about. It's set billions of years in the future where human kind is the only species left, living in an Empire ruled by an Emperor who has lived as long as anyone can remember (but the Emperor isn't the main character). Right now it's 12,166 words and I've been writing it for about a week and a half actually. It'd be great if I could get some feedback of my lines and know if it made people want to read more. Also, I'm not going the whole 13 because that ends up cutting into the middle of a new paragraph and it just doesn't make as much sense if I can't finish it.
Sitting atop his grand throne, the Emperor let himself become one with the Universe. His mind spread like tendrils of light throughout his realm, finding the prominent ones still waiting to be plucked from the vine. The ones whose talents would yield the sweetest juices to nurture his Empire and make it stronger. Those men and women would find themselves treated with special care when he tracked them down, and that was always just a matter of time. Fortunately, time was something that he never ran out of.
posted
Intriguing. I would read one. I like the idea of the Emperor becoming one with the universe and I would expect that point to be expounded upon later (as in, how he does and what that means for both the Emperor and the story).
quote: His mind spread like tendrils of light throughout his realm, finding the prominent ones still waiting to be plucked from the vine.
This sentence took me out of the story a bit because I was thinking "the prominent what? Planets? Stars" and then you go on to indicate people. Try indicating 1) that you do mean people, and 2) maybe saying what's so special about them that makes them stick out.
quote: Those men and women would find themselves treated with special care when he tracked them down, and that was always just a matter of time.
Maybe consider starting this sentence with 'These' instead of 'Those'.
I really like the opening of the story so far and it definitely has potential to be entertaining. And, to iterate myself, I would read on at this point.
posted
First off, I would like to say thank you for your comments, I really appreciate the help. I'm glad that you enjoy the opening (and especially glad that you'd read on).
As far as your comments go, you're absoultely right, I can see how that might be confusing to people as well as how "these" is better than "those".
Oh, and I do go on to explain how the Emperor does that but I make the reader wait a while ;D After all, the story isn't focused on the Emperor in the end.
thanks!
[This message has been edited by Omega (edited February 26, 2009).]
posted
No worries, Omega. It's good work. And it's cool that you go on to explain more about the Emperor and what he does. I think that's exactly what the reader would expect from this type of story, and it's good that you deliver on that. I'm sure others will be along later to add their wisdom to my two cents, or to kick my pennies under the door. Posts: 135 | Registered: Feb 2008
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posted
Sure hope so, but it's reassuring to know you like it. I've never been published before and am not necessarily sure if I have legitamate talent. People tell me so but since it's always been friends reading my writing I can never be sure. That's kind of why I joined these forums Posts: 63 | Registered: Feb 2009
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