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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Demon Apprentice (revised)

   
Author Topic: Demon Apprentice (revised)
dreadlord
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the working title on this was Dracowar, but I decided that the new title fit the book better.

hope you enjoy!

Drake cried.

in his dream, swords clashed, men in armor hacked at an undead force twice their size, skeletons with eyes a sickly green, their weapons bathed in the blood of former victims. Commanded by soldiers riding empty suits of horse armor.

Strange flashes of light appeared in the hands of robed figures, took the appearance of fire, and destroyed huge swathes of both sides. In his dream there was blood, dust, and hatred.

But he did not cry because of this. Because of noble men falling at the hand of skeletons, living beyond the grave. He cried because of one warrior, who fought another, like two champions in an arena.

These two men embodied the hatred of the battle, fighting like

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 26, 2009).]


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JohnMac
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I like what you've done here and I like the way the 13 end with the duel, however, who is Drake and why should I care that he is crying? And why should his opinion matter to me? He doesn't seem to have any stake in this and is nothing more than a faceless, crying character in my humble opinion at this point. If the focus is going to be on the two fighters, perhaps it would be better to step the story closer to them for the first 13?

Just my two cents

-John


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Denem
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I assume because Drake is weeping over one of the warriors, he knows this person and has some sort of connection to him that will become clearer as the story progresses.

I liked it. Lots of questions that will require answering as the story goes along.


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