Again, all comments welcome.

Vatar and Thekila were sparring, practicing with their swords, against Balan and Zoria when the call finally came. Despite appearances, Vatar and Balan were better matched than they looked. Vatar had weight and strength, and his two-handed great sword was much heavier than Balan’s lighter long sword. But Balan was lightning fast and agile. Thekila and Zoria looked more evenly matched. Thekila was much better trained and more ruthless than Zoria. But Zoria was learning.

As soon as Vatar felt the tickle of Far Speech, he lowered his sword. Balan stopped his attack. That was the difference. Thekila would have continued until her sword was at his chest, accepting no diversions or distractions.

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Second attempt. I've moved the opening back a few months. I don't know how this is going to work, yet. I kept the sword practice, though.

Vatar and Balan were sparring. Despite appearances, they were fairly matched. Vatar had size and strength on his side, and his heavy two-handed great sword. But Balan was lightning fast and agile. Besides, Vatar was distracted. He had stayed near the farm for days because he knew Thekila’s time was near. In fact, this practice match with Balan had been meant to take his mind off that fact.

He wasn’t worried, exactly. This pregnancy had been no harder than her first and Vatar had no reason to think there would be any problem with the birth. But he couldn’t keep himself from being concerned about her. And his anxiety could only make things harder for her.
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Third try. Just the sword practice.

Vatar and Balan were sparring. Despite appearances, they were fairly matched. Vatar had size and strength on his side, and his heavy two-handed great sword. But Balan was much faster and he was as agile as a cat. Vatar wanted to wipe the sweat from his forehead, but he didn’t dare give Balan that much of an opening. He had to learn to fight through it. That was the point of the practice, to prepare them for the real battles that Vatar was sure lay ahead.

While Vatar tried to blink the sweat from his eyes, Balan darted behind him and touched Vatar with the tip of his long sword—not for the first time. But Vatar swung his sword in an arc as he turned and caught Balan with the flat of the blade before he could duck out of the way.

[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited March 10, 2009).]

For me this has too much crammed into too little space and I feel like I'd be scrambling just to keep who's who straight in the next paragraph.

Why not just start with two, or better yet-one, and their perspective?

The number of characters is a problem I seem to have with the second and third books. I was already aware of it in the first chapter of Book Two, The Ignored Prophecy. I've made a note to try to fix it, there.

And here I jumped right in with the same thing, again. To make matters worse, I've got four more characters coming up within a page or two. Not good. And I need somebody to point that out, sometimes. Having lived with these characters through two books, I forget. To me, it just feels like I'm continuing on from the last book.

Originally, I had Vatar and Thekila sparring, but the difference in size makes that seem strange. (He's a six-foot blacksmith, she's a five-foot teacher.) Especially when more appropriate partners are available.

Maybe just Vatar and Balan sparring? I'll have to give it some thought.

"Vatar and Thekila were sparring, practicing with their swords, against Balan and Zoria when the call finally came."

I think just "Vatar and Thekila were sparring against (or with) Balan and Zoria" would work here, although I realize you might want to make everyone aware that they're doing so with swords right off the bat, and add in the part about the call as well. It's tricky because it's a two-on-two fight. You might want to add a sentence indicating who's squaring off with who after the first line, and then go from there, to create a tad more continuity and unity. You might also want to try experimenting with rewriting the paragraph in a few different ways, if you have the time, just to see if you can conjure up something you like better. I think you could probably describe the characters and the sparring scene first, and then have the call come in the middle of the action. Wish I could provide some more concrete assistance for you on this one, but I'm stumped by it too. Sorry

"Vatar had weight and strength, and his two-handed great sword was much heavier than Balan’s lighter long sword."

It kind of seems like there's a "tale of the tape" thing going, so to speak, with the descriptions of the combatants. In-keeping with the tale of the tape theme, "weight and strength advantage" or "greater weight and strength", or something along these lines, might be clearer. Not a big deal, though, and possibly too tale-of-the-tapey. I'm not sure.

"Thekila and Zoria looked more evenly matched. Thekila was much better trained and more ruthless than Zoria. But Zoria was learning."

As far as comparing battle skills, I don't think "Zoria was learning" is a particularly formidable quality, especially in comparison to someone "better trained and more ruthless". I understand what you're going for, but perhaps some further embellishment after mentioning she was learning might make things seem a little more equal.

Wow, I'm not sure I was very helpful at all here. Hopefully you'll find something in that morass that can provide some assistance or inspiration. If not, I apologize. I definitely like the scene, though. Don't worry, you'll figure it out, and I'm sure someone else will come along that can provide more help than I was able to

Keep up the good work. Best regards,

Brant

Thanks. I've got nothing but time with this one, at the moment.

I intended to convey only that Vatar is a big, muscular guy (he's a blacksmith) and Balan is by personality and athleticism, more like quicksilver. (Vatar should remind you of a lion, Balan should resemble an otter.) I don't really think their swords matter in this scene (what kind of sword each one has). I'm fond of them, having put a fair amount of thought and research into them, but that doesn't mean they have to show up everywhere.

They're practicing, here. Ultimately, they're all fighting on the same side. So Zoria (the least experienced) learning during the practice didn't seem inappropriate. But I may ultimately leave Thekila and Zoria out of this first scene, just to reduce the number of characters introduced all at once. Even though they are continuing characters from the previous book(s).

One problem that I am going to have to address at some point soon is figuring out how much to assume the reader knows from reading the first two books and how much I have to tell again. I'm not entirely comfortable with that, yet.

Going to go re-read some Harry Potter and maybe a couple of other series to see if I can pick up some ideas on that. Let's see, I don't think I can stand to go back into The Wheel of Time or The Sword of Truth. Maybe Raymond E. Feist, or Memory, Sorrow, and Thorn, or some of David Eddings.

[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited March 06, 2009).]

I like the second one much better. Although you're now just down to three names instead of four.

How about this from Vatar's POV.

Balan was quick, much quicker than Vatar knew himself to be, and could barely keep up with the smaller man's agility. The hilt of his greatsword was slicked with sweat not only from nervousness, but from concern as well.

It was Thekila's time, and though this pregnancy progressed much as the others had, he found himself worrying more and more, which she was so kindly disposed to point out to him, didn't help things. But the fact of th matter was, neither of them were getting any younger.

Anyway, I hope this helps...feel free to pick apart as you choose.

Edited to add italics, just because I like italics...

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Besides, Vatar was distracted.

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I'll rework it when I get a chance. So far, I'm liking this opening (the point in time in the story). It's letting me drop in a little of the background information without being too disruptive, I hope. Time will tell.

As for the number of characters, I haven't decided how to handle that yet. That's a problem, I think, of being the third book in the trilogy. There are ten continuing characters just staying at the farm (six adults and four children). Plus five more living nearby. It feels weird to pretend they're not there. At the same time, I don't want to dump them all on the first page.

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As for the number of characters, I haven't decided how to handle that yet. That's a problem, I think,

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No, that's a problem, all right...

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There are ten continuing characters just staying at the farm (six adults and four children). Plus five more living nearby. It feels weird to pretend they're not there.

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What I think you need to do is to narrow the your scope into what storyline is IMPORTANT in the telling of your tale. The rest of the folks are just going to be part of your subplots.

That is why I put down Jordan's Wheel of Time series. Too many people. At one point I didn't know who was important, nor, did I find, did I particularly care. Because, you see, all I was really doing when I read them was to skip to the folks that I DID care about, which was Lan and Nynaeve.

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It feels weird to pretend they're not there.

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In other words, just because you don't say anything doesn't mean you are ashamed of, hiding, or ignoring the others that are present, especially if their presence is of little or no significance at the time.

For what it's worth

The first chapter is just about 1000 words, if anybody would like to read it and give me some feedback. I'd like to get this book off on a reasonably good foundation.

And yes, the third time is a charm. The narrowing of your story focus make for a much better introduction.

Although I do have my lingering doubts about th whole slower, but bigger type of guy being evenly matched against someone who is smaller and quicker. Looks like it is going to take some research before I make any kind of pronouncement though.

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I raised 4 kids, and never felt like I was ignoring them if I did not immediately introduce them every time the door bell rang. I might mention "oh that was the kids" or some such statement, if they were being rather rambunctious. I did not feel I needed to parade all four out and introduce them right away. I might even introduce them one at a time when some event happened that made it appropriate.
In other words, just because you don't say anything doesn't mean you are ashamed of, hiding, or ignoring the others that are present, especially if their presence is of little or no significance at the time.

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I understand that. But, on the other hand, as an example:

If I happen to have half a dozen testosterone-enhanced males in the vicinity and suddenly there's an attack, I don't expect only three of them to respond. None of them is going to look over, say "I guess it's being handled." and go back to what he was doing.

That's slightly exaggerated. But that's sort of the problem I have in what is now chapter two. How do you leave somebody out when it's out of character for them NOT to get involved? Or do I just write it and worry about the number count later?