Two young fugitives frantically climb the steep rocky slope riddled with sagebrush and wildflowers. They're driven onward by both the fear of capture and the hope of escape. Both try to ignore the throbbing ache in their legs, sides, and chests; it seems as though they have been running forever.
Above them, a jet-black helicopter hovers like an angry hornet against the bluebonnet sky. The rapid thump thump thump of its rotors reverberates around them like an amplified echo from their pounding hearts. Below, on the gravel road, a growling black Ford Galaxy leads an army of yellow dust.
Aria looks back in time to see the black Ford swallowed by the dust as it skids to a halt. “We’re… not going… to make it!” She yells breathlessly to the boy leading the way.

Thanks

okay, hows this?

Two kids, a boy and a girl, frantically climb the steep rocky slope riddled with sagebrush and wildflowers. Both try to ignore the throbbing ache in their legs, sides, and chests; it seems as though they have been running forever.
Above them, a jet-black helicopter hovers like an angry hornet against the bluebonnet sky. The rapid thump thump thump of its rotors reverberates around them like an amplified echo from their pounding hearts. Below, on the gravel road, a growling black Ford Galaxy leads an army of yellow dust.
The girl, Aria, looks back seeing the black Ford swallowed by the dust as it skids to a halt. “We’re… not going… to make it!” She yells breathlessly to the boy leading the way.
“Just a little… farther…,” Rob calls over his shoulder, “We’re

I'm just a little troubled by the first sentence: "Two young fugitives" sounds indefinite, as if their identities aren't as important as what is happening to them. Perhaps "The two young fugitives" might make us focus in on them a little more closely.

Just a thought.

Thanks

TL

"Aria looks back in time to see the black Ford..."

It reads as if Aria is looking into the past. I don't believe that is how you meant it, though. Perhaps "Aria looks back just in time..." or something along those lines should clear this up. Otherwise, good work.

Although the imagery of the thump thump thump of the black helicopter is omnipresent, Why does it become background and the concentration is on the black Ford? I would think the helicopter would represent the greatest threat. Unless they disappear in a hole in the ground (which may be imminent) they have been caught.

I'm not wild about the "army of dust"image unless there are more vehicles following the Ford. That's not apparent from the snippet. However, I do like the swallowed by the dust visual.

quote:

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Two kids, a boy and a girl, frantically climb the steep rocky slope riddled with sagebrush and wildflowers.<--[If you started in one of the characters' PoVs, it might seem more immediate. You could put us in the urgency with him or her.] Both try to ignore the throbbing ache in their legs, sides, and chests; it seems as though they have been running forever.
Above them, a [jet-black<--Cliche.] helicopter hovers like an angry hornet against the [bluebonnet sky<--I can't picture this.[/b]]. The rapid thump thump thump of its rotors reverberates around them like an amplified echo from their pounding hearts. Below, on the gravel road[What gravel road? Why would "the kids" try an climb a rocky slope instead of sticking close to the road?], a growling black Ford Galaxy leads an army of yellow dust.<--[Okay. The prose is getting bruised. Is it a mutant Ford Galaxy? What does an army of yellow dust look like? What are they armed with? Remember, Most Speculative Fiction readers read things literally, and too much metaphor creates altogether different imagery for some.]
The girl, Aria, looks back[,] seeing the black Ford swallowed by the dust as it skids to a halt. “We’re[…<--[Replace the ellipsis with periods: "We're. Not. Going. To. Make it." It seems more like chopped dialogue, versus ellipsis which make it trail off...] not going… to make it!” [She yells breathlessly<--Huh? You have to have breath to yell. She can "pant", "huff" or "gasp", but she has to have breath to yell.] to [the boy<--She doesn't know his name?] leading the way.
“Just a little… farther…,” Rob [Rob who?] calls over his shoulder, “We’re

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Okay, first, some positives:

1) You have a fair amount of tension building, which in itself can be a hook.

2) The the first sentence had some nice milieu description.

3) I can tell you have a clear vision of what is going on.

Now, what needs work:

1) I don't know what's going on or why. (Not the in-depth explanation, but enough to have some concern of consequence.)

2) I don't know what they are feeling or who they are. How can I feel for them, without knowing anything about them? I pose a question to you: If you pulled over on the side of the road and saw this, would you be invested in their escape, or would you watch because of the entertainment value? If the second answer, when the scene is done, so is the entertainment value.

(Loose example, probably all wrong for the story.)
Show me through Aria's eyes:

The dirt and sage crumbled and ripped free under Aria's fingers, as she scrambled up the slope after her brother, Rob. What had she been thinking, helping him again? Damn. Every time he used those sad eyes on her, she caved in. Now men were chasing them--and not the sort of small-time punks who usually were after Rob, but professional men; government types.

Clouds of dust kicked up as her hair danced about. A whoosh-whoosh-whoosh pulsed with the burst of air, and she glanced over her shoulder. A black helicopter was hovering like an angry wasp, biding its time to strike. She could feel her pulse race in her neck as her she broke off a nail digging her fingers into the slope.

Through Rob's:

Rob could hear his sister Aria's gasping, as she struggled up the slope behind him. He shouldn't have gotten her into this, but how could he have known it was a government computer he'd tapped into?

He heard the helicopter, like a whistling assassin, just before it rose from the valley behind them. God, if you let us get out of this--if you let Ari get out of this--I'll join the priesthood. A black Ford Galaxy, still filled with the gunmen who'd chased them off of the mountain's dirt road, appeared just a few yards to Rob's right. A cloud of yellow dust billowed from behind them. God must have said no.

"We're not going to make it," Ari said through heavy panting.

"Just a little farther," Rob said, gasping. "We're almost to..."

3) You have to be precise enough for us to see what you are, without dumping the info. Maybe less metaphors and adverbs will allow you room to show more of your imagination.

I agree with the others about present tense, but, I'll explain a bit.

It's easy to write bad present tense (just as it's easy to write bad first-person). Redundancies are less noticeable to the writer than the reader, and the prose can be more destracting to the story. Yes, present tense can be done well (as first-person can) but you have to really scrutinize the prose for all types of redundancies: "Both try to ignore the throbbing ache in their legs, sides, and chests; it seems as though they Have been running forever." Sans redundancies: "Aches in muscles unaccustomed to so much work would not be ignored."

I hope this has helps.

What is the purpose of the first 13? Are they to tell the story, or are they to grab attention and get the reader to turn the page while leading into the story? I say this because I could do many of the things suggested, but I would no longer be leading into the story I am writing if I did. I would be leading into a different story which I am not writing, only alluding to as historical record.

Why is this important you may ask? Because this is the beginning of the story. When the MC first begins to become aware of his role in the story. This is how he begins to become aware of the story, problem and his role in it. And by the way, he is as confused as anyone at this point.

Many of the questions raised in these first 13 are answered within a very few pages when you meet the MC, from whose POV this is being written. Unfortunately at this point he doesn't exactly know what is going on, but he can see and hear with great detail. From his POV this is all happening right now. In truth it took place many years ago, but he is just remembering it, reliving it. (which I may have just answered part of my own question).

I feel many of the comments are as if the story is only 13 lines and must therefore answer all the questions that are raised. I am new to writing novels, and I just need to know. All of my writing experience has been for oral presentation where the introduction is to grab attention and keep the audience listening.

Thanks

TL

Novels are usually given a few pages to really hook someone, but if you make a character interesting, or a situation personal to a character, the audience has something to hang on to; a line of thinking to follow, without being made to guess.

What do I expect out of the first 13 lines? (We've gone over this many times...)I expect:

1) A character I can follow.

2) A sense of what kind of story it is (the writer's promise).

3) A sense of what time period it is (the car and helicopter does that nicely).

4) A sense of where they are. (Outside, on a mountain/slope is fine.)

5) A sense of what peril or problem they have to deal with.

You see, you have got characters, but they could be Chinese-American, African-American, Mexican-American, Irish-American, Russian-American; cyborgs; aliens; time-travelers or almost anything. You have their hearts racing, but any kind of exercise will do that (especially any kind of cardio/aerobic workout), like scaling a hill/mountain/slope. And, I don't know how they feel or what they fear.

I don't have to know everything, but if they've escaped from a government facility, I need to know that. I need to know they are being chased to be captured or killed, and which they dread more. The why can wait until later.

Them running from the government because they escaped from an experimental lab (or something) is not "the story". It's the foundation for a story--which is the hook; the first 13 lines.

Is this less confusing?

I suggest reading How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy and Characters and Viewpoints by OSC. I bet they do wonders for you--they did for me.
I hope this helps.

I'm not trying to be difficult or dense, I just want to know and I thought about this the whole time I was reading How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy and was convinced I was starting in the right place telling the right story. I know it could use some fine tunning (the army of dust should go away) but I still feel I'm giving all relevent information as soon as the MC gets it.

Thanks

TL

quote:

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Many of the questions raised in these first 13 are answered within a very few pages when you meet the MC, from whose POV this is being written. Unfortunately at this point he doesn't exactly know what is going on, but he can see and hear with great detail. From his POV this is all happening right now. In truth it took place many years ago, but he is just remembering it, reliving it. (which I may have just answered part of my own question).

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Do you mean that you're starting with a flashback? My gut says that may be difficult to pull off. Why not start with this scene, then, if necessary, jump ahead in time in the next chapter. That might give it more immediacy.

Right now, this feels very distant. That may be because it's a memory. In spite of all the action, it's hard to really care about these characters.