Seracklen Morallinen Royhellinen, Servant of the light, Keeper of the peace, The Father's sword, Protecter of the Empire's boundaries, son of Jarrick Royhellinen, and king of Drag'Nasia, walked intently towards his objective. The world's objective. He barely even heard the soldiors around him as they heartily cried their allegiaence to him. All of his attention was focused on what he gripped in his hand. He held it as if it was the world itself. In a way,it was. He attempted to take a deap breath to calm himself, but he only ended up coughing and wheezing from the soot that hung in the air until his lungs were totally empty. Not even that held his attention for long. The object in his hand- a gem with the most ornate carvings along it's breadth as Seracklen had ever seen- would save the

I listed the character's titles and his full name to try and get across his importance, as well as to let the reader know that he was the king. Could anyone please let me know how to get that across without making it so confusing? Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

So would you say to make the name more pronounceable and keep the titles or make the name more pronounceable and introduce the titles later on, one at a time?

[This message has been edited by Collin (edited March 20, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Collin (edited March 20, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 21, 2009).]

And use a word processor with spell check. I usually even use one for my posts, and then cut and paste because I am an atrocious speller.

If he is walking intently towards his objective, the world's objective, then why is totally focused on the object in his hand? It's not consistent. He's got to be focused on one or the other. One of the two has to be toned down for the reader. The split attention defuses the tension and emotion you are trying to create.

I listed the character's titles and his full name to try and get across his importance, as well as to let the reader know that he was the king. Could anyone please let me know how to get that across without making it so confusing?
'The King' is pretty much enough. In a Kingdom, he's the most important guy, after all. A novel is also pretty long, so you've lots of room - and I mean heaps - to introduce the other titles, one by one, to let everyone know how cool the character is.

Thus, (1)Seracklen Morallinen Royhellinen, Servant... and (2)king of Drag'Nasia, (3)walked intently towards his objective.
can be boiled down to
(1) just his first name (the rest can be added later - remember, the opening lines serve to pique our interest),
(2) his title. Remember to capitalise King - it's a title after all, and no trivial one at that.
(3) the action. This is the 'action' in this sentence but it currently comes very late. Consider putting it up front: "Walking intently towards his objective, ..."

I would really encourage you to try and finish your novel first, rather than become too worried about your opening. A novel is a big beast, and 99% of the time a writer will find themselves coming back and changing things at the beginning to suit later developments. The most beautiful opening scene in the world won't sell an unfinished novel, so don't get too stuck on it right now.

In the meantime, offering an occasional crit here on Hatrack will help develop a sense for tight prose that keeps readers interested and so ultimately help you write a better novel.

Good luck!

I would agree with previous comments regarding your character's name and the list of titles. However, I would add that having three names as you do is not necessarily a bad thing. I think issue I have is the difficulty of pronouncing these names. I think that having the character's name be something like John Wilson Smith (just an example of a pronounceable name) could improve the readability of the beginning.

I listed the character's titles and his full name to try and get across his importance

I think you could do this just as well by showing how those around him react. As was stated by others, naming him King adds an importance to a character because it can generally be assumed you reader will understand a King is important.

He barely even heard the soldiors around him as...

I had a question about this. As it is written, the reader could come to a couple conclusions:

1) That this character is hard of hearing
2) The soldiers are a far enough away that he could barely hear them

Were either of these your intentions? Or, did you mean: "He barely even noticed the..."

He attempted to take a deap breath to calm himself, but he only ended up coughing and wheezing from the soot that hung in the air until his lungs were totally empty.

I had difficulty with this part because if he is coughing so hard wouldn't he stop walking. I have had some coughing fits before and all I could do was bend over and hope the agony would end. This could be a great opportunity for you to draw the reader into the story to show a couple bits of information:

1) Why does he need to calm himself?
2) Why there is so much soot in the air and how is it affecting others?

I hope I helped at least somewhat with my comments. Thanks.

I also don't like the string of titles as a start. But they made me think of a strong warrior king. The next thing I know, he's coughing and wheezing. Now I think he's an old geezer. Which is it?

quote:

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The object in his hand- a gem with the most ornate carvings along it's breadth

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Now this is a nit and it may be just me, because I have a little knowledge in this area, but I really can't picure this. A gem, to me, immediately calls up an image of a faceted stone. It can even be a faceted orb--or egg shape. But I don't know what its "breadth" is. Around the edge? Across the top (assuming it's not an orb or egg)?

I wouldn't expect carving on a faceted stone, but that could make it interesting and unique. If this thing is that important, I want to have a clear picture of it. That doesn't need to take a long description, here. You can tell me the details later. But the description does need to make a mental image for me.

quote:

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I listed the character's titles and his full name to try and get across his importance, as well as to let the reader know that he was the king. Could anyone please let me know how to get that across without making it so confusing? Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

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To answer your question, you don't have to tell us up front how great or important your king is. Show it to us in the novel. When your other characters jump to obey, bow in worship, center their lives around their king, and speak of him in awe, it will become evident how important he is.

Words your reader can't pronounce will not impress them, rather unpronounceable words will more likely discourage readers from reading farther. Most readers want to relax with a book, not struggle with it.

TL

"Seracklen Morallinen Royhellinen..."
Each of these names is relatively pronouncable. I think the problem is information overload.

The reader's thoughts are probably something like this:

"Seracklen " - ok, stop for a second and sound it out to pronounce this new, unfamiliar word. Since it's the first word in the book it must be important, so I'd better get it right.

"Morallinen " - ah, another one. I better stop and sound this one out too. It also must be really really important to the story if the second word of the book is something I've never seen before.

"Royhellinen " - uh, you know, now that I've had to stop and sound out each word, I've this terrible sense that I'm reading a foreign language dictionary. I can't ever remember reading a dictionary for fun. I wonder what's on TV...

ie, after risking losing the reader with an unfamiliar first word, 3 in a row I think overdoes it.

Think of the master--Tolkien. Of course he was a philologist, and the roots and origins of words and names were second nature to him, but think of the names he used--Bilbo, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Gandalf, Gimli. All simple and somehow familiar, yet different. Even when you get to Aragorn son of Arathorn--it rolls easliy off the tongue and to his friends he's Strider. I think many of Tolkien's names have their roots in Old or Middle English. That gives them an aire of familiarity, yet they are different. Personally I think it is critical in fantasy to keep names as simple as possible. That doesn't mean you can't use a name like "Seracklen" just be careful and introduce it carefully. Maybe give him an endearing name his soldier or subjects call him. Even Henry V was Hal to his friends.

I would also be very careful of similar sounding names--"Morallinen Royhellinen." I once heard a woman read an opening to her novel in a read and critique group. She introduced too many characters in the first 3 pages, but the biggest problem was her names. They all ended in something like ...enlia or something like that. After about the third one no one could keep track of who was who. You haven't done that, but just be careful of similar sounding names.

Just some thoughts--hope they help.