posted
Hello everyone, real quick notes. -wrote this new thirteen tonight cuz i wanted to change the start. -seems like I've been writing awhile and I really would like someone to read what I have. anyone willing? -13,000 words in. you don't have to read all of it either, of course. -if you think this 13 is terrible, sorry .
Here are the first 13 to Ripple. -------------------------------- Call it life.
This is what Adam lived. He was once told to live his life fully so long ago. Here he is today, full to his hearts content, though still alive, still living. Maybe it was meant to be this way for eternity or perhaps he hadn’t finished a task. Still, he is here alive and distraught as a five year old boy. Looking at him now, you wouldn’t guess who he had been. Countless days he held his secret away from the world. So many times had people bribed and threatened for the answer to his knowledge. In fact, today this had occurred. Adam found himself in the halls of Madison college’s English department. He peeked into an empty room where a professor sat scrambling about pages on her desk.
[This message has been edited by OlsenOlsen (edited March 24, 2009).]
This is what Adam lived. He was once told to live his life fully so long ago. I get the feeling that you know what you're trying to get across, but aren't conveying it as you wish Here he is today, full to his hearts content, though still alive, still living. life, lived, live, life, alive, living - is this deliberate 5 out of thirty four words thus far are very similar Maybe it was meant to be this way for eternity or perhaps he hadn’t finished a task. confused now Still, he is here alive and distraught as a five year old boy. Is he five? It reads like he could be. Looking at him now, you wouldn’t guess who he had been. Countless days he held his secret away from the world. So many times had people bribed and threatened for the answer to his knowledge. In fact, today this had occurred. ; Adam found himself in the halls of Madison college’s English department. He peeked into an empty room where a professor sat scrambling about pages on her desk.
I am just... confused, really. I think the second paragraph is where the story really starts, and you need to look at combining what is vital from the first into the second, and expanding on it.
This is what Adam lived. He was once told to live his life fully so long ago. He was told to live his life long ago, or he was told long ago to live his life? Here he is today, full to his hearts content Full of what?, though still alive, still living.Why wouldn't he be still alive? Also, you are switching from past to present tense here. Maybe it wasWhat was? meant to be this way for eternity or perhaps he hadn’t finished a task. Still, he is here alive and distraught Why? as a five year old boy.Another tense shift. Looking at him now, you wouldn’t guess who he had been. Countless days he held his secretWhat secret? away from the world. So many times had people bribed and threatened for the answer to his knowledge what knowledge?. In fact, today this had occurred. Adam found himself Why did he 'find' himself there? Was it an accident? Did he wake up there? in the halls of Madison college’s English department. He peeked into an empty room where a professor sat Not really such an empty room, then. scrambling about pages on her desk.
I see that you are trying to create a sense of mystery about his secret, but unfortunately it just comes across as very confusing. I have no idea what is going on... The basics are intriguing and, if presented differently, I would read on. As it is, I am just not hooked.
[This message has been edited by Bycin (edited March 24, 2009).]
posted
Thanks for reading and for the comments. I'm going to write up another beginning tonight, and bent tree i'll swap with you. I promise what I have written isn't as confusing as what was in this first thirteen. send yours on over.
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