posted
"I can hardly feel the wind, yet I can always feel them; everyone - eight billion people crowded around me," James thought for the thousandth time. The invisible omnipresence of eight billion people both perplexed and frightened him, like the pounding of waves in an angry sea. He stopped and tried to shake their occupation of his mind. But it's hard to shrug off eight billion people. He looked around. Hardly a whisper of sound carried to him. No physical evidence of a living thing existed anywhere within the willow fields that proliferated the compound between these empty scattered buildings, once occupied by army regiments and battalions, now more vacant than the hallowed lot of an old revolutionary burial grounds. A shudder came again as it always does when he had the sense that it was
-Hi! I'm just looking for some general feedback on the writing style. I have questions like: 1. How would you do it if you wanted to make your very first sentence of a 3rd person narrative a direct thought from your main character. As you can see, I put the thought in quotes. Doesn't that work? I know once you get into the story, the quotes are not necessary. You can see later for another thought that I didn't use them. 2. What are you general impressions of the MC? Does he sound young or old to you? 3. What are your impressions of the setting? Is it clear? Does it need less or more description.
Gosh I wish I could go to the writing seminar...maybe next year.
Thanks for your feedback!
J. Harwin Bartlett
[This message has been edited by acadia5 (edited May 02, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by acadia5 (edited May 02, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by acadia5 (edited May 02, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 03, 2009).]
posted
I'm going to answer your questions first: 1)The convention on thought is well, whatever you want it to be. Some people use " " some use italics and some use * *. Others use nothing at all and simply put "he thought" after it. Whatever you chose to do, make sure that you use it throughout your book, including the beginning.
2)He seems to me like a young man who has seen many horrible things in his life. I feel the fact that he is barefoot suggests this. He is haunted by the past, perhaps he blames himself for the things that transpired here. It could be that he wasn't here to stop it, or that he was here and regrets not stopping it.
3)The opening paragraph strikes me as being unnecessary. This is all information that you could work into the action of the story. (remember "action" does not necessarily mean sword fights and car chases. It also, and mainly, means walking across the room, picking up an object, jumping, running, in other words, "action" is anything that your characters do)
What is he doing during this first paragraph? Is he just standing there while his internal monologue runs through his head? Or is he walking up the path thinking these things? Mixing up his thoughts and his actions helps the story not be so static.
Hi! Thanks for answering each of my questions. I feel that asking specific questions is the best way to get specific answers and is the best way to improve.
For your question "What is he doing during this first paragraph?", I would say to read it again. The 4th sentence begins, "He stopped..." which implies that he was moving. Shortly then, he "looked around" at his surroundings. So there is some action in there and it is not sword fighting.
Also, you deduced correctly that he is a young man which makes me glad, because I didn't have to come right out and say that. I think a good writer should be able to show, not tell, the reader everything.
I did go overboard with the "burden of eight billion people" there, but I was looking for a way to draw the reader in. As a writer I think you have to look at your characters very closely and figure out the trait which most saturates their being. For this young man, more of a boy, I now realize I want to get across firstly his "boyish uncertainty" with a dash of "curiosity" and then later mix in this "burden" he carries. I'll rewrite with that in mind.
My overarching question about "the firsts 13" is, flat sentences verses drawing the reader in. I think too much, "he walked, he picked up, he jumped, etc" can be quickly off-putting to a reader if they don't have some context of the main characters ken. If you want the reader to see things the way the characters do, then you have to open their mind to the reader so that it's no longer an author speaking, but a character.
I agree that mixing his thoughts with his actions makes it a better work. Again, thanks for the feedback!
quote:I'm just looking for some general feedback on the writing style. I have questions like: 1. How would you do it if you wanted to make your very first sentence of a 3rd person narrative a direct thought from your main character. As you can see, I put the thought in quotes. Doesn't that work?
I don't think it's out of the question at all. I suppose I'm more a fan of putting them in italics or something though, and doing away with the "thought" tag. Either way is fine - so long as you know and are happy with your reasons for starting the story with a thought, as opposed to anything else.
I felt the 'them' in "always feel them; everyone - eight" needed more weight, since you've explained who 'them' is twice afterward (them=everyone, them=eight billion...).
The only thing I am wary of with internal monologuing is that it isn't necessarily natural for the character - it often reveals the author's hand a little too easily and can be used as a crutch for other types of narration. Consider what the reason is for that internal thought, and perhaps it'll be easier to add the narrative that explains it:
quote:I can hardly feel the wind, yet I can always feel - them. Everyone. Eight billion people crowded around me. James repeated the mantra to himself for the thousandth time. The invisible...
quote:I know once you get into the story, the quotes are not necessary. You can see later for another thought that I didn't use them.
I agree with bandgeek - I feel it should remain consistent, whatever method is used, or you risk the reader noticing the writing, rather than the story, at which point they've disconnected and put the story down. When I first encountered But it's hard to shrug off eight billion people I assumed it was the narrator talking at me, rather than the character, because the character's thoughts have been shown a different way.
Why not narrate that second thought? ie:
quote:tried to shake their occupation of his mind. The din of their presence unabated, he gave up and looked around.
quote:2. What are you general impressions of the MC? Does he sound young or old to you?
I felt that age was irrelevant at this stage in the story, and if it gains relevance the narrator will reveal it at a later time.
quote:3. What are your impressions of the setting? Is it clear? Does it need less or more description.
I didn't get that he was walking - or running - or driving a car - as a result of "He stopped". Perhaps that needs to be stated more clearly (or not, depending on what you do with this character later).
I also found the "No physical" sentence seemed like a run-on, or that it was confusing as to what you were describing. For example, the object of the sentence seems to be that No physical evidence of a living thing existed anywhere within the willow fields - which is clear. But then the willow fields are described that proliferated the compound between these empty scattered buildings, and then the buildings are described, once occupied by army regiments and battalions, and then the buildings states are described now more vacant than the hallowed lot of an old revolutionary battle grounds. It seems like too much and the way the description is tacked together seems too disjointed.
I also think it's interesting that the key word for me as I read it was compound - which gave me an immediate reference as to what this is. Assuming all these are important to be described right now, what if it was done separately? It would give you opportunity to describe each in more detail.
Also, assuming a willow field is a field with willow in it, then isn't willow a living thing?
Finally, I was bothered with the paragraph structure as I saw it here. It felt to me like there is a natural paragraph break just before "He looked around." The first paragraph deals with his perception of eight billion souls, the next deals with his physical surroundings. Having these run together I found a little distracting.
[This message has been edited by BenM (edited May 05, 2009).]
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