When the shaman of his tribe becomes his enemy, Vatar is forced to abandon his home and his people. He only intends to be gone for a short time, but as unexpected opportunities open before him, Vatar finds himself on a path that leads him between two worlds. Vatar is forced to master his fears and eventually to learn to trust his own magical talents, in order to overcome the shaman’s repeated and escalating attempts to kill him.

I've written chapters that didn't take me this long! Have at it. I know it needs work.

Second Version (slightly longer):

When Vatar fails to save his best friend, his life is turned upside down by the hatred of his friend’s shaman-father. Vatar must flee his tribe’s nomadic way of life and learn the totally new customs of the city. Although he only intends to stay away for a short time, he cannot resist the new opportunities that the city offers him. Vatar ends up caught between the two cultures, unable to live happily in either one. But what he has learned will help him overcome his distrust of his own magical powers, so that he can finally defeat the shaman and earn the right to live in peace.

If that's all you can find, I must be getting close.

Third Version:

When Vatar fails to save his best friend, his life takes an unforeseeable turn due to the hatred of his friend’s shaman-father. Vatar must flee his tribe’s nomadic way of life and learn the totally new customs of the city. Although he only intends to stay away for a short time, he cannot resist the new opportunities that the city offers him. Vatar ends up caught between the two cultures, unable to live happily in either one. But what he has learned will help him overcome his distrust of his own magical powers, so that he can finally defeat the shaman and earn the right to live in peace for himself and his family.

Fourth Version:

When Vatar’s best friend is killed in a reckless adventure, his life takes an unforeseeable turn. Due to the threats of his friend’s shaman-father, Vatar must flee his tribe’s nomadic way of life and learn the new and strange customs of the city, where everything is for sale--for a price--and profit is more important than courage and honor. He cannot resist the new opportunities that the city offers him. Vatar ends up caught between the two cultures, unable to live happily in either one. But what he has learned will help him overcome his distrust of his own magical powers, so that he can finally defeat the shaman and earn the right to live in peace for himself and his family.

Fifth Version:

When Vatar’s best friend is killed in a reckless adventure, his life takes an unforeseeable turn. Due to the threats of his friend’s shaman-father, Vatar must flee his tribe’s nomadic way of life and learn the new and strange customs of the city, where everything is for sale--for a price--and profit is more important than courage and honor. But Vatar has always had a curious nature, and he cannot resist the new opportunities that the city offers him. Vatar ends up caught between the two cultures, unable to live happily in either one. The feud with the shaman takes on new urgency to Vatar when he has a family of his own to protect. But what he has learned will help him overcome his distrust of his own magical powers, so that he can finally defeat the shaman and earn the right to live in peace for himself and his family.

Sixth Version (for the next round of queries):

When his best friend is killed in a reckless adventure, Vatar’s life takes an unforeseeable turn. The threats of his friend’s shaman-father force Vatar to flee his tribe’s nomadic way of life and learn the new and strange customs of the city, where everything is for sale and profit is more important than courage and honor. But Vatar has always had a curious nature, and he cannot resist the new opportunities that the city offers him. Vatar finds himself caught between the two cultures, unable to live happily in either one and with friends--and enemies--in both. The feud with the shaman takes on new urgency to Vatar when he has a family of his own to protect. But what he has learned will help him overcome his distrust of his own magical powers, so that he can finally defeat the shaman and earn the right to live in peace for himself and his family.

Seventh Version:

Vatar’s life is set spinning in a new and unforeseen direction when his best friend is killed in a reckless adventure. The dead boy’s father, the shaman of their tribe, unjustly blames Vatar for his son’s death. The shaman’s threats of vengeance force Vatar to flee his tribe’s nomadic way of life and learn the new and strange customs of the city, where everything is for sale and profit is more important than courage and honor. Curious by nature, Vatar cannot resist the new opportunities the city offers. Each attempt to return to his tribe incites a new attempt at revenge by the shaman. What's more, Vatar finds himself caught between the two cultures, unable to live happily in either one and with friends--and enemies--in both. The feud with the shaman takes on new urgency to Vatar when he has a family of his own to protect. What he has learned helps him overcome his distrust of his own magical powers so he can finally defeat the shaman and earn the right to live in peace for himself and his family.

Eighth Version:

Unfairly blamed by the tribe's shaman for the death of the shaman’s son, Vatar is forced to leave the plains and go to the city. Although Vatar finds some things in the city confusing, he discovers a deep interest in blacksmithing and in other learning unknown on the plains. However, Vatar comes to the attention of the Fasallon, the god-like rulers of the city, who suspect that he may have abilities similar to their own. And their interest may not be benign.

Each time Vatar tries to return to his tribe, his presence provokes the shaman to a new attempt at revenge. What's more, Vatar finds himself caught between the two cultures, unable to live happily in either one and with friends—and enemies—in both.

The feud with the shaman takes on new urgency to Vatar when he has a family of his own to protect. What he has learned helps him overcome his distrust of his own magical powers so he can finally defeat the shaman and earn the right to live in peace for himself and his family.

Version Nine:

I already see version ten on the horizon, partly because I agree with BenM. This is getting too long. But here's what I have before I read that last post.

Unfairly blamed by his tribe's shaman for the death of that religious leader’s son, Vatar is forced to leave the plains and go to the city. Although Vatar finds some things in the city confusing, he discovers a deep interest in blacksmithing and in other learning unknown on the plains. However, Vatar comes to the attention of the Fasallon, the god-like rulers of the city, who suspect that he may have abilities similar to their own. And their interest is not benign.

An unexpected ally among the Fasallon strikes a bargain on Vatar’s behalf. Since Vatar does not intend to stay in the city, he is allowed his freedom as long as he shows no overt signs of magical ability. But the Fasallon are still watching him.

Vatar finds himself caught between the two cultures, unable to live happily in either one and with friends—and enemies—in both. Each time Vatar tries to return to his tribe, his presence provokes the shaman to a new attempt at revenge. And each time, the stakes are higher.

When Vatar has a family of his own to protect the feud with the shaman becomes too dangerous for Vatar to accept. He challenges the shaman directly, accepting a dangerous ordeal to prove himself against the shaman’s accusations. The ordeal sends Vatar far from either the plains or the city. But what he learns will allow him to overcome his distrust of his own magical powers so he can finally defeat the shaman and earn the right to live in peace for himself and his family.

Version Ten (Trimmed a bit):

Unfairly blamed by his tribe's shaman for the death of that religious leader’s son, Vatar is forced to leave the plains and go to the city. Although Vatar finds some things in the city confusing, his curiosity draws him to knowledge unavailable on the plains. However, Vatar comes to the attention of the god-like rulers of the city, who suspect that he may have abilities similar to their own. And their interest is not entirely benign.

Vatar finds himself caught between the two cultures, unable to live happily in either one. Each time Vatar tries to return to his tribe, his presence provokes the shaman to a new attempt at revenge. And with each escape, the shaman’s obsession becomes more intense and the stakes get higher. And, although he has a powerful ally, he knows that he is watched whenever he is in the city.

When Vatar has a family of his own to protect the feud with the shaman becomes too dangerous for Vatar to tolerate. He challenges the shaman directly, accepting a dangerous ordeal to prove himself against the shaman’s accusations. The ordeal has unexpected consequences, sending Vatar on a journey far from either of the worlds he knows. But what he learns will allow him to overcome his distrust of his own magical powers so he can finally defeat the shaman and earn the right to live in peace for himself and his family.

(The main character, - nessercary? I don't know) Vatar, is forced to abandon his home and his people when the Shaman of his tribe suddenly becomes his enemy. Initially intending only to be gone for a short time, some unexpected opportunities open before him, and Vatar soon finds himself on a path that leads him between two worlds.
Vatar is forced to overcome his fears, and to learn to trust in his own magical powers in order to overcome his former Shaman’s repeated attempts to kill him.

I would like a little more insight into the two worlds and how that features in the story.

My opinion of course is just my own, and in no way reflects the proffessional opinion of someone in this field, so take it in whatever way you wish.

FWIW, the "between two worlds" thing bothers me. It's not like he steps through a portal or something, which certainly could happen in a fantasy. It's just two very different ways of life. After living in the second one for a couple of years, he finds he's been changed. He can't just go home again and be happy. He needs both worlds to be complete.

Writing a query is an difficult exercise because it's a combination of distilling the plot and a hook to interest your target. The Shaman's Curse has so much going on, that it makes it tougher.

Having read your novel, I think you can tighten some elements. Here is another take on your query synopsis. It might give you some alternate presentation ideas.

When Vatar is unable to save his best friend, his life is turned upside down by the unquenchable animosity from his friend’s shaman-father. Vatar must flee his family’s nomadic way of life to struggle with a new culture. He discovers his real father has magical powers his upbringing has taught him to distrust. He must come to terms with his own inherited powers while battling against the shaman’s unrelenting hate.

I was amused by Nathan Bransford's summary query letter formula, which while formulaic (har har) does help whittle the plot down:

quote:

---

[protagonist name] is a [description of protagonist] living in [setting]. But when [complicating incident], [protagonist name] must [protagonist's quest] and [verb] [villain] in order to [protagonist's goal].

---

ie, though far from perfect (and perhaps having taken some liberties with a strict interpretation), I hope you'll excuse me for having a play and trying this formula out based on my knowledge of the story (I'll need practice in this on my own work down the track):

quote:

---

Vatar is approaching his coming of age among the Dardani, a simple nomadic bronze-age tribe. But when Vatar is blamed for an accident that kills the son of the tribe's Shaman, Vatar is forced to flee to the foreign city of Caere. While gaining an education there Vatar discovers he must return to the Dardani to confront the Shaman, reclaim his place in the tribe and secure the tribe's future.

---

A couple of things, though:

I really don't want to peg this as a coming-of-age story. That does happen at the beginning of the book. But three-quarters of the story happens after Vatar comes of age and almost half of it after he's been married and has a couple of kids. I might need to make some revisions to the longer synopsis if that's the impression it's making.

I actually was trying to avoid using more names, like Dardani and Caere. I thought that one unfamiliar name in such a small space was enough. Am I wrong in this? Do the other names add to the sense of the milieu?

I've read different advice from agents on whether to include the ending in a query synopsis. I'd rather not obfuscate the discussion with second guessing which is right. Just saying, it might be simply sufficient to say that he needs to confront the shaman.

As to the question of it being a coming to age story, or a heroic fantasy, I see it as a bit of both - and don't really see that as pigeon-holing it.

For example, I found that my impression of the overall flow of the synopsis was that it was a type of coming to age story - yes, he ages quite a bit, but with the trials in the forest and meeting the Valson, Vatar's perspective is likely to change dramatically, rendering him with a much more adult point of view than when he started.

And, I suppose, there is an element of the heroic fantasy in there - after all, the Shaman does threaten Vatar's children, on the one hand, and on the other hand, the Shaman attempts to pronounce a curse on the whole tribe. That his death is at his own hand, so to speak, seemed less relevant to me - it still closed the arc of Vatar-Shaman enmity with a little bit of a heroic twist.

Mind you, you might cover the problem with getting 'pegged' in your next paragraph. ie, I imagine some author out there is preparing the following:

quote:

---

The Rafael Code is a 150,000 word novel of Bangsian Fantasy. I am the author of Cherubs and Djinns, and this is my hundred and eleventieth novel.

---

Sentence 1: I find it a bit weak. Maybe add something about their recklessness, or even the flood. Like, "When a reckless game leads to the death of his best friend, Vatar's life...."
Sentence 2: You could split off the bit about his friend's father and place it at the start of the second sentence ("Due to the hatred of his friend's shamanic father, Vartar must flee..." If you want to keep the part about his explicitly failing to save his friend's life, it could go somewhere here too.
Oh, and omit 'totally'
Sentence 3: I don't think you need the 'although he only intends to stay for a short time'.
Sentence 4: "ends up" feels a bit weak. Maybe 'Vatar becomes' or 'Vatar finds himself'.

Like the last two sentences, but there are few things I wanted to know more about:
-what customs are hard for him to adjust to? A couple brief metnions could be interesting.
-What is the nature of the curse, and what threat does the shaman pose within the second part of the novel? That seems the most intriguing thing to me. I've read that in this type of synopsis, you don't want to give away the ending, but you also don't want to seem to be holding things back. (Someone please correct me if I'm wrong; I'm new at this synopsis stuff).

It wasn’t immediately obvious to me that Vatar was directly involved in his friend’s adventure and death; it is implied by the threats from the father.

Second sentence is lengthy, but I really like it and don’t see a clear place to break it.
Maybe: …city. There, everything… Or: …city. Everything … Meh. Leave it.
Oh! Oh! …life. He learns… But then too many sentences start with He or Vatar. Sigh. Besides, good to have one longer sentence amidst shorter ones.

“to live in peace for himself and his family” didn’t seem to fit. This is the first mention of his family; is he returning to his parents’ home or settling down with his own wife/kids in the city? (Does it matter?)
…to live in peace. Or: …to live in peace among his tribe. Or: …to come home.

Edited: Just read the in-between posts. The end is too late to mention wife and kids, because up until now I thought he was a boy-man (coming of age). Either leave them out and it has that coming-of-age flavor, or work in the maturity factor/passage of time somehow.

Edited: No matter how perfect you get it, someone will have ideas to change it

quote:

---

to live in peace for himself and his family” didn’t seem to fit. This is the first mention of his family; is he returning to his parents’ home or settling down with his own wife/kids in the city? (Does it matter?)
…to live in peace. Or: …to live in peace among his tribe. Or: …to come home.

Edited: Just read the in-between posts. The end is too late to mention wife and kids, because up until now I thought he was a boy-man (coming of age). Either leave them out and it has that coming-of-age flavor, or work in the maturity factor/passage of time somehow.

---

I see your point. OTOH, I can't help noticing that each version has gotten longer. And every time I answer one question, another one seems to come up. I've had the same problem with the longer synopsis. And part of my thinks that the query is supposed to leave you wanting to know more.

But you're right about the late introduction of the family. I could just leave "for himself and his family" out. But that does make it sound more like a coming of age story. It has that element, but that's not all that it is.

The next paragraph is very short.

quote:

---

The Shaman's Curse is an 116,000 word fantasy novel. Attached are the first [insert what is asked for]. The full manuscript is available upon your request.

---

I'm wondering if I could put something in here, such as:

quote:

---

When Vatar’s best friend is killed in a reckless adventure, his life takes an unforeseeable turn.

---

* There is no link showing why Vatar would be threatened by the shaman-father, such as whatever questionable involvement Vatar had that the Shaman has hooked onto.

* The term shaman-father seemed strange - at first I wondered if it could just be 'father', or the friend could be introduced as the Shaman's son.

* If an agent has to be wowed by writing, it has to first occur in a query letter.

Opening a sentence with a conjunction (But what he has learned) might be risky, and I suspect the comma in the same sentence is unnecessary. Compare:
'magical powers, so that he'
vs
'magical powers so that he'

I'm also often criticised for unnecessary use of 'that'. Compare:
'magical powers, so that he can finally'
vs
'magical powers so he can finally',

or

'cannot resist the new opportunities that the city offers'
vs
'cannot resist new opportunities the city offers'

Some text seemed it could be made a little more concise:
'But Vatar has always had a curious nature, and he cannot resist the new opportunities that the city offers him'
vs
'Always curious, Vatar cannot resist the city’s fresh opportunities'

I guess I'm just saying the text should really be tightened up if at all possible. This will probably drop a couple of dozen words off the query, which might help too.

* Is the future tense of 'But what he has learned will help him' ideal? Or can it all be present tense?

* I think the opening is good insofar as the inciting incident - the death of his best friend through misadventure - is clearly outlined. But I think that even more importantly it needs to tell us a bit more of who Vatar is. At the moment he's just a name. Ie, compare:

'When his best friend is killed in a reckless adventure, Vatar’s life takes an unforeseeable turn.'
vs
'Life for teenage tribesman Vatar begins to fall apart when best friend dies through a reckless adventure'

(maybe drop teenage if you are worried about the coming of age thing?)

* I also am not sure if 'unforseeable turn' really needs to be said - since that seems to me to acknowledge a plot device more than the plot itself (ie, all crises should be unforseeable turns).

* We see Vatar forced to flee, but not if, how or why he returns.

[I'm like a dog with a bone. I really must stop editing my posts and just learn to walk away ...]

I think what's not working for me, too, is the link between his adapting to life in the new city and the feud with the shaman. There's little causality evident. Rather, it just feels like distraction or a side plot. For the purposes of the query it seems you'd want to keep on track with the main plot, showing that it's well-constructed and a tight story. What comes of his experience in the city that results in change for the end of the story? In other words, while the narrative arc so tight in the opening lines seems, for me, to unravel a bit towards the end of the query. It makes me wonder what the story is, and how the elements are tied.

"Unfairly blamed by the tribe's shaman for the death of his son, Vatar is forced to move from the plains to the city. But his exile is not so torturous; he finds a new love in smithing, and (something else). But he catches the attention of the Fasallon, the gods of the city...."

Unfairly blamed by the tribe's [What tribe?] shaman for the death of the shaman’s son,[Repeated shaman] Vatar is forced to leave the plains and go to the city. Although Vatar finds some things in the city confusing, he discovers a deep interest in blacksmithing and in other learning unknown on the plains. However, Vatar comes to the attention of the Fasallon, the god-like rulers of the city, who suspect that he may have abilities similar to their own. And their interest may not be benign.[So interesting]

Each time Vatar tries to return to his tribe, his presence provokes the shaman to a new attempt at revenge. What's more, Vatar finds himself caught between the two cultures, unable to live happily in either one and with friends—and enemies—in both.

The feud with the shaman takes on new urgency to Vatar when he has a family of his own to protect. What he has learned helps him overcome his distrust of his own magical powers so he can finally defeat the shaman and earn the right to live in peace for himself and his family.[I think you need another mention of the Fasallon here. How does he escape their notice?]

Also you might want to mention falling in love with his wife.

Good luck with it Meredith!
~Sheena

quote:

---

Unfairly blamed by the tribe's [What tribe?] shaman for the death of the shaman’s son,[Repeated shaman] Vatar is forced to leave the plains and go to the city.

---

I need a little help with this. I purposely didn't use the name of the tribe (Dardani), because I didn't want to add another unfamiliar word in this synopsis. It's the same reason I don't name the city (Caere), here. Am I wrong?

If I just say Vatar was blamed for the death, without reference to the shaman, it sounds like the whole tribe blamed him, which isn't the case. If I just say 'his son', is it the shaman's son, or Vatar's? That'd be a whole different story.

quote:

---

However, Vatar comes to the attention of the Fasallon, the god-like rulers of the city, who suspect that he may have abilities similar to their own. And their interest may not be benign.[So interesting]

---

Thanks.

quote:

---

The feud with the shaman takes on new urgency to Vatar when he has a family of his own to protect. What he has learned helps him overcome his distrust of his own magical powers so he can finally defeat the shaman and earn the right to live in peace for himself and his family.[I think you need another mention of the Fasallon here. How does he escape their notice?]

---

That's fair. If I can figure out how to do it in only a sentence or two. A bargain is made on his behalf. The Fasallon are persuaded that he doesn't have any powers and he won't be staying in the city (both wrong). And the Fasallon don't want to start trouble with the smith's guild. I don't think I want to get into the familial relationships and politics that play into who is striking the deal and why, though. Not here.

I'll work on that for version nine, hopefully later today.

quote:

---

Also you might want to mention falling in love with his wife.

---

The real thing doesn't even come in until chapter 33, though we get occasional glimpses before that. (I tend to write fairly short chapters). How he even finds her and how their relationship starts would really add a lot of complexity to this. It's in both of the longer synopses. This is the one that will be part of the query letter.

I agree with Bored Crow, about the the for his.
I think it reads clearer as "by his tribe" compared to "the tribe."

Also when you say,

"The feud with the shaman takes on new urgency to Vatar when he has a family of his own to protect."

It might be stronger to say that the Shaman wants to take the life of his children to punish Vatar for the loss of his son. Or... hmm... Make things even. Umm... something like that. I can't think of exactly how to say it, I hope you get the idea.

Show more of the Shamans motivation to destroy him, instead of telling us about the new urgancy.

Also you then say, "What he has learned," I think it would be good to add what he has learned from the Fasallon, or the city... Something like that. Just to clarify.

From my understanding, the principle elements of conflict within the story might derive from enmity with the Shaman and societal fear of magic and its wielders (deliberately ignoring other sources of conflict). Both arriving at the nub of the character's motivation and presenting the inciting incident as unique and enticing is probably the crux of establishing a hook for a potential agent to want to read more.

As an aside: As an outsider and potential reader, what interests me most from the (long) synopsis are probably two things. Firstly is the paradox within the Dardani of distrust of magic and its simultaneous acceptance of a Shaman (a magical rank, even if of a different manner) within its culture, and the implied conflict this must create. What a fun way to explore human prejudice - if well developed I'd read the book just for that. The second is the fish-out-of-water nature of the protagonist throughout; being thrust into situation after situation with which he is unfamiliar and being forced to sink or swim, something with which all of us can identify at times in our lives. Were the query able to show this depth to a reader in some way I'd hope they'd want to read more.

I of course don't know how best to trim the synopses, but taking the 8th version as an example, you might consider:
* eliminating blacksmithing - it's too specific and isn't necessary to explain what happens later in the synopsis.
* eliminating 'Fasallon' (same name dropping problem as Dardani)
* eliminating family - by instead glossing over the gradual increase in tension between them that drives the conflict to critical mass, it might achieve what you want here without placing too specific an cast on the reader's interpretation of character age or scope of years in the story.
* describe the main character a little more so the reader can see their point of view.
* abbreviate the increase in tension and provide a compelling motivation (taking great liberty here and wording it badly, but, for example: - "Magic having now become an integral part of his life, Vatar realises he is no longer merely the Shaman's enemy or an icon of some past wrong. In the eyes of the Shaman he is now both a competitor for the tribe's attention and an infidel magic user. Drawing on what he has learned he must overcome his distrust...")