posted
Hi all. This the beginning of a story I'm working on at the moment. Have a read and please let me know what you think.
Robin was so stoned that the muted, smoky images dancing in front of his vision started to blur with the reality of the café. Robin decided it was a good time to leave. He stood up on shaky legs, spilt some change out of his pocket to pay for the coffee and dazed his way over towards the exit. Resistance propaganda danced through the streets in this part of Newick City, and as Robin exited the Neo Café, a sopping wet black and white sketch slapped and stuck to the side of his face. He peeled the paper off his cheek and looked down at the drawing. [insert description of propaganda]. Robin screwed it up and tossed it into a puddle as he began to walk away from the sweet smell of the café and further into the garbage smell of the streets.
... The [insert description of propaganda] part I'm still working on. As the story further develops, I'll decide upon how I want the propaganda depicted. It'll be a comical sketch of anti-government material created by the resistance. Please ignore that bit for now (hard I know, because therein lies the hook). Any and all comments appreciated.
posted
Robin was so stoned that the muted, smoky images dancing in front of his vision started to blur with the reality of the café. Robin decided it was a good time to leave. He stood up on shaky legs, spilt some change out of his pocket to pay for the coffee and dazed his way over towards the exit. Resistance propaganda danced through the streets in this part of Newick City, and as Robin exited the Neo Café, a sopping wet black and white sketch slapped and stuck to the side of his face. He peeled the paper off his cheek and looked down at the drawing. [insert description of propaganda]. Robin screwed it up and tossed it into a puddle as he began to walk away from the sweet smell of the café and further into the garbage smell of the streets
This is not my type of reading, but I will take a stab at it.
"Robin was so stoned that the muted, smoky images dancing in front of his vision started to blur with the reality of the café." Since I'm not the stony type, I will have to trust someone else on this one.
"Robin decided it was a good time to leave. He stood up on shaky legs, spilt some change out of his pocket to pay for the coffee and dazed his way over towards the exit." I would combine the two sentences - "Deciding it was a good time to leave, Robin stood up on shaky legs, spilt some change out of his pocket to pay for the coffee and dazed his way over towards the exit."...It might give it a bit more fluidity...not that it is too bad.
As for the rest, I don't care for the visual of being hit in the face with a paper, but it depends on what tone you want to send - humorous or otherwise.
posted
“Robin decided it was a good time to leave.” I’d cut this, because it implies he is making a rational decision based on his condition, which is not believable because of his condition. Perhaps replace it with something like: Robin felt the café walls closing in on him. Something that fits better with his unstable state. Or skip it.
Cut “started to” and “began to” -- just have him do whatever.
I’m slightly interested, but so far I don’t care much about Robin. He’s just some stoned guy bumbling about. What is his emotional state? Does he have a problem? Anything he cares about (that I can care about)? Perhaps he didn’t plan to get stoned, but he figures that someone must have slipped it in his drink? I need more.
I kinda like the paper slapping against his face, and peeling it off. My reaction would be Ew! How annoying! But Robin...?
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited May 20, 2009).]
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