posted
'I shouldn't have agreed to this. But, if I try to go back, I'm going to get caught,' thought Sara Crockett, as she clung to the banisters and crept along the cat walk in near pitch blackness, following the almost indistinguishable shadow ahead of her toward the tech booth. Zack was in front of Sara, leading the way with only a little bit of light coming from below. Sara's adrenaline was pumping. She was sure everyone on the stage could hear her heartbeat, since it was practically deafening in her ears. She knew she shouldn't be there, but she hadn't been hard to convince. When this opportunity presented itself, she really didn't want to turn it down. She was probably too curious for her own good. An hour earlier, everything was a whole lot less scary.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 15, 2009).]
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Remembering this is all Just My Humble Opinion...
I think you might be starting in the wrong place, trying to create suspense by jumping straight into the "action" and then flashing back to explain how your characters got there. Phrases like "this opportunity" feel like deliberately withheld information, which for me as a reader is more annoying than suspenseful, at least in the first thirteen.
A general nit, your first two lines feel like they're repeating information "near pitch blackness" and "only a little bit of light coming from below" tell me the almost same thing, as do "the almost indistinguishable shadow ahead of her" and "Zack was in front of Sara, leading the way." You might want to shorten the first line, maybe ending it after "cat walk."
As of yet, I'm not scared for Sara. I know that she's scared, but why? Afraid of heights? Afraid of the dark? A mad assassin chasing her? Has she snuck up onto the cat walks during a dress rehearsal? A performance? Or is anyone on stage at all? What are the consequences if she gets caught? Why is she headed towards the booth, and who is she in relationship to the theatre company? A techie (if so, I'm thinking not one who normally works in the booth...)? Actress? Random audience member?
I was a sound techie, way back in high school, so I'm interested because this seems to take place in a theatre, but that's the only thing grabbing me right now.
posted
You're right about the suspense. I totally make it sound like they're trying to get away from a crazed killer. Sara is a Miss goody-two-shoes; a people pleaser in some ways. Zack is a bad boy; he loves to defy authority. He'll drive 100 mph on a 55 mph road, or turn donuts on a church's front lawn. This scene is based off of something I did in high school. Does this sound better? If not, I am open to more suggestions.
Sara Crockett clung to the banisters and crept along the cat walk in near pitch blackness, following Zack Miner's shadow ahead of her. 'I can't believe I'm doing this,' thought Sara Crockett. 'Me! Little Miss Goody-two-shoes is sneaking up to the tech booth with a guy I've just met.' She didn't usually break rules, so this was totally out of character for her. Sara was torn between the excitement of discovering what was in the ceiling, and how much trouble she'll be in if she is caught: Mr. Skinner might not ever cast her in another play; Sara's parents might be called; this incident might go on her school records and a police report as trespassing. Sara was just a fifteen year old, high school actress wannabe.
[This message has been edited by tj5to1 (edited May 20, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 22, 2009).]
posted
You can edit by clicking the icon above your post that looks like a piece of paper and a pencil.
This is better in that we've got more of a context - girl sneaking off to tech booth with a guy she hardly knows - but now you've veered towards telling more than showing.
For example, instead of telling us she's a goody-two-shoes and having her worry about a police report, maybe simply have her worry about having to face the disappointment in Mr. Skinner's eyes. That implies, without telling us, that his good opinion is important to her (teacher's pet) and that she doesn't normally do things that would disappoint him. Alternatively, have her worry about something like lunch detention. Most people, I think, would be distressed at the idea of having a police record; worrying over lunch detention gives us a glimpse of slightly skewed priorities that show us, rather than tell us, that this girl is a Major Goody Two-Shoes.
Along these same lines of showing us things - one line you pulled out, that I really liked was
quote:She was sure everyone on the stage could hear her heartbeat, since it was practically deafening in her ears.
Having snuck through various parts of a theatre that I wasn't supposed to be, I can tell you that I obsessed the entire time over 1) being heard and 2) people looking up into the rigging and seeing me. Her worry over that is entirely justifiable and, to me, evokes genuine suspense now that I have more context for what she's doing and what the stakes are.
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