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Forward, beyond the fog and trees, rumbled the basso voice of cannon. To the rear, thundered a thousand iron-shod hooves, hounding their trail.

‘It’s too late to turn the day.’ Owen shoved the thought savagely aside. There was no choice but to try; to die. He urged his mount into the forest. Behind, trailed the tattered remnants of his command. In ordered lines, despite the heat and exhaustion, they persisted beneath the young king’s crimson banner. As they entered a tunnel of leaf and limb, the smell of sulfur and death dampened. The artillery’s muffled report could be felt, more than heard.

When they had pealed off the left flank, at the Earl Fossing’s orders, the battle was still in question. Now though Owen

(I just kind of changed the grammar, I meant to mark where I did but I didn't and now I've forgotten. Sorry!) I put the [?] to mark the place I was confused by wording. I think I know what you meant, but I'm not positive.
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[1]Beyond the fog and trees rumbled the basso voice of cannon. To the rear thundered a thousand iron-shod hooves, hounding the[2] trail.

‘It’s too late to turn the day,’ [?] Owen shoved the thought savagely aside. There was no choice but to try; to die[3]. He urged his mount into the forest. Behind [him] trailed the tattered remnants of his command; in ordered lines despite the heat and exhaustion, they persisted beneath the young king’s crimson banner. As they entered a tunnel of leaf and limb, the smell of sulfur and death [was] dampened[, and] the artillery’s muffled report could be felt more than heard. [4]
When they had pealed[5] off the left flank at the Earl Fossing’s orders the battle was still in question. Now though Owen
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1.Forward is a direction more than a location and I was confused, at first, by the usage.

2.It seemed jarring to me to say "their" until after you've been introduced to the characters.

3.I first read this as "try to die" the reader may need another word or two to extend the hesitation implied by the semi-colon. Ex: ...to try, though he knew it meant dying. That's not great, but it might be the try/die rhyme that's getting to me. Maybe ...to try, or die trying. I don't know.

4.There are a lot of areas in this that have a da-da-da type rhythm. leaf-and-limb, sulfur-and-death, felt-than-heard (I know there's a "more" in there, it's just the feeling I get)

5. peAl = the noise a bell makes. I think, though I don't know a thing about miliary terms and could be wrong, you want "peEl"

Here's My take:

quote:

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Forward, beyond the fog and trees [Of where?], rumbled the [basso<--IMHO - cut. Purplish prose.] [voice of cannon<--[It's either voices of cannon, voice of a cannon or voices of a cannonade]. To the rear [of what?], thundered a thousand iron-shod hooves, hounding their [Who is they?] trail.

‘It’s too late to turn the day.’ Owen shoved the thought savagely aside. There was no choice but to try; to die. [Why?] He urged his mount into the forest. Behind, trailed the tattered remnants of his command. In ordered lines, despite the heat and exhaustion, they persisted beneath the young king’s [You King Whom? Owen?]crimson banner. As they entered a tunnel of leaf and limb, the smell of sulfur and death dampened[Though it's nice to include smells, I don't know what damp smells like.]. The artillery’s muffled report could be felt, more than heard. [Have you ever heard real cannonfire? It can be heard for a long distance (as well as felt), and where's the smoke?]

When they [had<--IMHO - cut.] [pealed<--You do mean peeled, right?] off the left flank, [at the<--[Maybe:under] Earl Fossing’s orders, the battle was still in question. [Didn't the maneuver actually "decide" the battle?] Now[,] though Owen

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Like I intimated, I love Historical Fiction, but whether or not there is a "Speculative" in there, Sir Arthur C. Clarke's advice is still preeminent (paraphrasing): Our job as writers is not to write so that the reader understands; our job is to write so that they can't possible misunderstand.

1) What rank is Owen?

2) Where are they fighting?

3) Whom are they fighting?

4) Why are they fighting them?

5) Why are their guns not facing the enemy?

6) Who are they? The use of "Earl" resonates with: English (redcoats)? Germans (Hessians)? Russians? But, in this case, they doesn't convey enough.

I like the forward progression, but I can do without the "iron-shod" "thundering" and "basso voice" clichés until I have some grounding.

If your protagonist is any kind of military leader, he knows where they are--and why he belives they are there.

Good luck with this. I hope this helps.

Yeah, I overuse the comma, and the semi-colon. I usually go back through before I even edit and try to take out a third of the commas. I tend to write the way I would read it out-loud. This goes away a bit as I get into the narrative, but the beginning of most of my stories end up comma heavy, with too many adjectives. I can’t write poetry, but I seem to open most of my scenes like I’m writing a prose-poem or something (which also leads to the da-da-da rhythm.) I need to be more conscience of that. It naturally goes away for me as I get further into the story, but it can be off-putting.

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IB – Thanks for the comments.
I struggled with this intro, which is why I posted it even though most of the story is yet unwritten. I’m not sure how to introduce this character, provide the hook, and tell about the battle without info-dumping. I’ve never really engaged in ‘historic’ fantasy before. I can write ‘high’ fantasy, and I think the intro part is a lot easier.

Any suggestions on that front?

I wanted to separate Owen from his service so I intentionally didn’t give him a rank, but maybe that doesn’t work. This opening chapter is the end of his ‘military’ career.

Thanks for the other comments on the cannon fire. I was trying to convey how deep the forest was that they were in. They can still hear the cannon, but the forest muted it enough that the rumble through the ground was stronger than the actual report.

Even if Owen is about to be done (disgusted?) he'll having feelings that will relate to the combat, why they are fighting and why he doesn't want to continue. Enough information in there wouldn't so much be an info-dump as PoV. Could be a s simple as:
Owen was done with this war. Done with the Prussians, damned-fool lords outranking battle-wiset captains, even with his redcoat and hard-earned epaulettes--but most of all, he was done with the brace of pistols he had used too often.

Through the forest (even if muffled)I expect a reverberating whump or a thunderous thoom. Where those woods are might give the reader some idea of what era it is. What color are their uniforms? Horses and cannon were used right up until WWI, so you need a bit of specifics. In each war, cannon advanced a bit. Whether they had a brass body, cast iron, a rifled barrel, slow match vs. lanyards or breech barrels, each signified some different era.