posted
I'm having trouble picking a starting point for my new project. Both options below will be in the first chapter but I want opinions on which makes for a better opening. And feel free to say neither because that will help me too!
FIRST OPTION: Embry wasn’t thinking much at this point. Just speaking. He drove aimlessly and much too fast. As far as he could from the sad scene. The radio was off and he wouldn’t be turning it on. He wouldn’t insult his memory that way. Alone in the car the questions were spilling out. More than he had said all week. He was only vaguely aware of the sound of his voice. He barely heard a word. “It's been six days. Where do I go from here Shawn? “Why aren't you here, Shawn? “Have you really been gone so long? Why don't I remember your voice, Shawn? Why did you have to take so much with you, Shawn? “Am I all that's left?”
SECOND OPTION: Shawn and Embry were identical twins. But Shawn and Embry were not two halves of a whole. Shawn was everything. And Embry was his faithful shadow.
“Let’s do it!” Shawn said, his smile was exuberant, mischievous. Embry shook his head and backed away. “Oh come on! You haven’t been on date since the last one of mine I sent you on.” “She knew.” “That’s because you were you and not me.” “I am me.” “You have more fun as me.” "I don't."
posted
My preference is the first option - it has more of a hook. I have several comments, if you don't mind.
I find that the period between 'He drove aimlessly and much too fast.' and 'As far as he could from the sad scene.' breaks up the rhythm too much.
Also, I have no idea why turning on a radio would insult someone's memory. Perhaps you were referring to Embry's memory of ShawnShawn? At any rate, it is an unfathomable sentence that annoyed me a bit.
posted
I actually liked the second one better, but the first one is probably a better place to start. I think I didn't like the first one so much because you didn't vary your sentence length, and that kept it from flowing. There were too many forced pauses. I'm glad the second part will be in the chapter, though. Interesting!
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posted
I like the second, only because you are showing more instead of telling. The first seems too slow, and then each line of dialogue makes it look like two people are speaking, instead of someone talking to themselves.
I tend to like openings that throw me right into the action, as long as it gives enough background I don't get lost. So I'd write it like this, giving the "telling" part after the hook line. It makes people read through the explanation to find out what "it" Shawn is talking about, and by that time they should be curious what is going on:
“Let’s do it!” Shawn said. Embry shook his head and backed away. Shawn and Embry were identical twins. But Shawn and Embry were not two halves of a whole. Shawn was everything. And Embry was his faithful shadow. “Oh come on! You haven’t been on date since the last one of mine I sent you on.” “She knew.” “That’s because you were you and not me.” “I am me.” “You have more fun as me.” "I don't."
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