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The twelve ancient shields of the royal family were the first things the king saw upon opening his eyes. The second was the face of the knight Caryn Ripps, looking more harried than the aging man had ever looked before. In what was far from proper, the knight was shaking him by the shoulder and shouting something that the king later realized was, “Awake, my king! If you value your life, awake!” The sudden fear that took him was enough to make his body freeze in place,which rendered climbing out of bed near impossible. Shouts from outside the tower reached his ears, carried by a warm spring wind that circled the chamber. The shouts were accompanied by the clang of metal on metal, steel on wood, and more than one sudden chink that was doubtlessly an arrow on stone.
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posted
'carried by the warm spring wind' jarred me when I was reading. I don't think anyone is in a wistful enough mood to notice a mild win when the castle is under attack. Also I don't think it very likely someone is going to 'freeze' if they are under attack. The survival instinct becomes very strong. Now if he is resisting jumping underneath his royal bed and hiding... that's something else.
I think, though this has a more than adequate hook to keep me reading.
posted
I like where this is going, but you're being a little too desriptive, and that is slightly throwing me off. The 1st paragraph below was what brought me in, but the second is throwing me off. It's okay, but the thing is that all these sentences can be placed later in the chapter (untouched), but you could put something more engaging beforehand, for instance, directly after One thing that might make this seem better, is if you throw your quote as the first line cutting the unnecessary lines after. I think what is throwing me off is the second, while engaging, I don't really care about the king because I really don't know anything about him. Is he evil? Is he lazy? Maybe he doesn't care about his life afterall? I know it's explained later in the chapter, but for me, those are the questions I am asking myself when I first read your stuff. (don't worry, I have the same problem too, I re-wrote first 13 about 10 times now!!!).... Anyways I LIKED THIS PART, I think this should go first:
“Awake, my king! If you value your life, awake!” The twelve ancient shields of the royal family were the first things the king saw upon opening his eyes. The second was the face of the knight Caryn Ripps, looking more harried than the aging man had ever looked before. (LIKED THIS PART
HAD A PROBLEM WITH THIS PART: The sudden fear that took him was enough to make "his body freeze in place" ,which rendered climbing out of bed near impossible (NOT REALLY NEEDED). Shouts from outside the tower reached his ears, carried by a warm spring wind that circled the chamber (Why didn't he hear the shouts beforehand in his sleep yet so easlity awaken?) . The shouts were accompanied by the clang of metal on metal, steel on wood, and more than one sudden chink that was doubtlessly an arrow on stone.
Generally, I like your ideas, but I don't think the ordering of events are well thought out. If you want to see what I mean, see my Lumeton excerpt, It took me a long time to get the order of events straight, but once I got that straighten out, it got a lot shorter and straight to the point.
posted
I like this opening quite a bit, actually. You've taken what could be a cliched scene (i.e., someone waking to danger) and through narration made it different for me. Narration is a bit tricky since many people prefer just action, but it really worked for me. It gave it almost a humorous, dreamy quality that drew me into the story. I like the sense that the king is disjointed somehow from reality, as if everything is in slow motion, and things are happening in a surreal way.
posted
Hi Gaudrhin. Here is my feedback on your piece. I do not read other peoples feedback in order to not be influenced.
I would capitalise the K in King.
quote: . In what was far from proper, the knight was shaking him by the shoulder and shouting something that the king later realized was, “Awake, my king! If you value your life, awake!”
“that the king later realised,” I believe you are saying that it took the King a moment to realise what the knight was saying, but it’s written as though he only realised what he was saying upon reflection after the events took place. This needs to be re-worded. Also, “If you value your life, awake!” seems a strange thing for a knight to say to his King. The whole city, himself included, should value his life, regardless of whether or not the king himself does. You’re basically saying, “Or, if you don’t value your life, stay here and die.” A knight of the King would never allow such a thing.
quote: The sudden fear that took him was enough to make his body freeze in place,which rendered climbing out of bed near impossible.
I really dislike this sentence. It just doesn’t seem real enough. Did he try to climb out of bed but couldn’t move? Or did he just presume he wouldn’t be able to?
quote: Shouts from outside the tower reached his ears, carried by a warm spring wind that circled the chamber.
The fact that the air was warm because it was spring is a strange observation to suddenly make given the circumstances.
Other than that which I have mentioned, I like it. I look forward to your re-write.
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