Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Silk Slippers (working title) Chapter 1

   
Author Topic: Silk Slippers (working title) Chapter 1
mythique890
Member
Member # 8586

 - posted      Profile for mythique890   Email mythique890         Edit/Delete Post 
Hey all. This is an idea I'm tinkering with for my next project; it's a fairy tale retelling. Let me know what you think.

The exquisite rose-red slippers were full of holes.

“Not again,” Berta mourned, swinging them around to show Tillie, who already held an emerald-dyed pair in her own hands. Tillie shrugged and tossed the flawless green silk into the rubbish bin, but Berta held on to hers a moment longer.

Lucky the king was rich, or he wouldn't be able to buy twelve pairs of these beauties day after day. Why, one pair alone would equal her salary for a month! No wonder there was so much unrest outside the castle, especially with the soldiers coming home. Berta glanced back at Tillie, then shoved the red slippers into her dress pocket. They could be fixed. Just because holey slippers weren’t good enough for the princesses of Myr didn’t mean they weren’t good enough for Berta.

(edited for spelling)

[This message has been edited by mythique890 (edited June 16, 2009).]


Posts: 128 | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Meredith
Member
Member # 8368

 - posted      Profile for Meredith   Email Meredith         Edit/Delete Post 
Twelve Dancing Princesses! One of my favorites when I was a kid.

Unfortunately, I'm not very good at first thirteens. But I'd be interested to see where this goes.

Post in the Novel Support Group when you're ready for readers or a chapter exchange.


Posts: 4633 | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheHopper
Member
Member # 8652

 - posted      Profile for TheHopper   Email TheHopper         Edit/Delete Post 
Hmm... I don't know what to say. I don't see anything that needs fixing in particular. But I'm not too good at thirteen lines myself. <_<

The only thing I can think of is, that first line isn't exactly one to grab the reader's attention, if you know what I mean. Rose-red slippers? Full of holes? It screams "fairy tale", not exactly a big deal, though. *shrug*


Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2