Chimera World

Upon the top of the highest spire of the tallest building, in the New England Megatropolis, a man stood gazing down the ten mile drop. His black and gray robes flowed in the wind as a bolt of lightning jumped a cloud to the lightning rod attached to the building. His eyes illuminated the darkness with a dark green tint as he stared through Ocular implants and water vapor to the microscopic street below. His target was below him, just exiting the building.

He could see her perfectly, as her long white hair reflected a shimmering glow of the dazzling streetlights of Times Square. She was one of the most beautiful yet deadly women to ever live. For a second the Ninja felt a tinge of regret at having to slash off this perfect creature, but quickly shook it away

Note from Kathleen: Plz post only 13 lines (see this topic about how to tell what 13 lines is).

Kathleen will doubtless be along soon to trim your submission to size; you exceeded the allowed 13 lines. I will only comment on the allowed portion.

The stark colors of the scene coupled with lightening, nighttime, and city lights makes a strong setting. The images are so vividly portrayed, it almost seems like a gothic comic book. Also the names “Megatropolis” and “the Ninja” bring superheroes to mind. Is that the voice you aimed for?

Nits:
ten-mile drop (need the dash).
Can lightning jump a cloud (jump over it), or should it jump from it?

I was pulled out of the story by “His eyes illuminated the darkness” because generally a light source is said to illuminate (cast light on) the subject. I pictured his eyes glowing to cast light, but then realized that’s not what you meant. It is his implants that help him see. Also it jarred me to “illuminate” with a dark green tint—I imagined a brighter light.

“reflected a shimmering glow of the dazzling streetlights” is a bit much. Suggest one of these:
reflected the dazzling streetlights, OR shimmered in the dazzling streetlights, OR reflected the shimmering streetlights, OR …

I paused when you mentioned “the Ninja”—is this the same guy standing on the spire? I figure it must be, but I would rather be introduced to his name/designation when I meet him (in the first sentence).

Does “slash off” mean assassinate? I never heard that word combination used that way before, which jarred me a bit.

As for my story I guess I should explain these lines a little bit here. The feel of this section of my story with the Ninja is just to establish his skill and might of almost superhuman strength. If you would continue reading you would have discovered that there is something that makes this Ninja very different from the rest, but that wasn't at least until the end of the chapter. I don't think I was attempting to necessarily make the story have a comic feel, but I loved comics and stories that were very descriptive in nature, which might be why it came out that way.

In all reality, that is what I saw in my head and I always try to describe whatever it is that makes the universe my brain has conjured up. I do know that the way this world feels to me is the way it is supposed to feel. Slightly used and slightly messed up. I don't know why, but this feel was my favorite kinds of science fiction. Kind of hits you right below the heart, slightly above the stomach, and makes the hair stand up a little on your neck. Not enough to be scary, but enough to make the world feel alien enough that it is completely different from the world in which we live.

I don't know if I hit that for you and maybe I should reconsider my beginning if that is the case.

I also just wanted you to know that the term megatroplis just refers to a city that is so large it contains several cities in the New England Area. Originally I had thought of making it a city in the Midwest, which is where I grew up, and making Cleveland, Chicago, Pittsburgh, Akron, Columbus, Detroit, and Toledo. But somewhere along the way it just made more sense to put it in the North East where the cities are much more likely to run into each other. The New England Megatropolis contains New York, Boston, Philly, Brooklyn, etc. So that is where I was going with that. Which is probably more than you wanted to know.

My ten-mile drop (Had no idea there is supposed to be a dash there) I have been considering making it a little smaller, since I think there might not be that much space between the earth and space. I think I am going to need to do a little research on an acceptable height.

The lightning I have no idea how i missed that. I have read and reread that section like a billion times, but somehow it had escaped me. You are correct to assume that a lighting bolt should come from a could, but it technically probably could jump over a different could as well as long as it came from a different cloud.

I am sorry that his eyes bothered you and made it hard to see in your head. His eyes do glow, but they are also implants that help him see, using things like night vision ect. Maybe I should choose a different word... I think that I thought that having a dark green glow solved the problem of headlights for eyes. I will reexamine this detail. The last thing I want is people thinking that he has eyes like Smaug the dragon in the cartoon version of The Hobbit!

As for my streetlights I do tend to get a little wordy and flowery sometimes. Been criticized for doing that before.

Also, the Ninja is the guy standing atop the spire. I just was trying to avoid using the word Ninja 50 billion times. I'll be more clear.

"Slash off" Does mean assassinate. It means death to his prey.I think I was trying to set the tone of the world through the Ninja's eyes. I think the best example of a world where weird words are used would be in the book A Clockwork Orange. In this story there is almost an entire language is created in the form of slang, which helps create that slightly messed up feel. The words slash off just seemed to fit what the Ninja would think as his own form of slang. And, the reason you have never head them put together that way before is because they probably haven't been married together that way before.

However, the fact this question popped was something I think I was going for. The more questions you ask yourself the more you are likely to read to find out why the character does what he or she does. Maybe I am wrong and this can backfire, but I think that I might have hooked you ever so slightly. Especially, since you don't normally like this sort of style and yet you might want to find out a little more.

I am glad that you might want to read more than the first 13 lines. However, I wish you could read some more to understand where I was going with some stuff. It also could just be that you might not enjoy the Ninja character as much as some of my other ones in the story, but I guess I have to get you interested enough to keep gong to meet a few more. I also think that if you kept going that you might find the Ninja interesting as soon as his secret is revealed not only to the audience, but also to himself as well.

Chimera World has many different parts that make up the world with many different problems stemming from many locations, just as our world does today. [Ok, so its dynamic. Kind of a boring way to say it. Are you saying the world is different or the same as ours? As a sci-fi, it better be different, because its the different stuff that draws me in...] This story includes ideas of a new form a racism that has replaced the old [Nice. This is the most powerful phrase.] and has many futuristic characters [didn't you already say this is in the future? Whats a futuristic character anyway? A character in the future should still have some human elements, otherwise there is nothing we can identify with.] that all question their own motives [why isn't anyone confident in this world?] in a world where the definition of what it means to be human is constantly in question [you repeated the word question twice, which can be bad. But the main idea is good, and the phrase is strong. I want to know what is changing. its a good hook...]. Each character wants to belong to the world in their own way, but just like most people they don't always get it right or fit in [is this about many characters, or a main character? It would help to focus on the plot by now].

I like the first line. It’s an onlookers POV, simply descriptive of the man, which is fine I think. It serves well to produce an image in my mind of the man atop the spire. Combined with lightening striking and flowing robes, I suddenly have a comic book picture in my head. Not just because of the robed man atop a spire cliché, but because you are describing an image. I don’t know if this is what you are going for? Either way I like it.

But then I thought…wait a minute. 10 miles up…and his robes are flowing in the wind? Wouldn’t it be ludicrously windy up there? Like, crazy wind that almost sends you toppling backwards and you have to shout to hear your own voice? Just food for thought…that realisation took me out of it suddenly.

quote:

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He could see her perfectly, as her long white hair reflected a shimmering glow of the dazzling streetlights of Times Square.

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Wouldn’t her hair reflect differently through the dark green tint? In my mind, it just seemed a strange observation to make, because through the Ocular implants, everything would reflect differently.

quote:

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at having to slash off this perfect creature

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I see what you are trying to do here, with saying ‘slash off’ rather than assassinate or kill or whatever. But I hate it. I really don’t like it at all. You’ve created a cool image of a ninja atop a tower with cool gadgets, but then as soon as you change POV to the ninja’s, he uses faux English slang like slash off? It makes him sound amateur, like a kid trying to be cool, and I immediately hate him.