Generally, this start sets up anticipation of a battle and that is the source of some tension. I think that 'If rumors were to be believed' weakens the tension. It implies that the enemy might not be all that nasty. Do these people have any history or evidence of what the Ayoush did to others?

The tension is general, distributed over all the peasants, until the last line makes it specific to Moseph. A novel usually has some time - a few pages - to develop that more fully.

I gather some things by context. These are not good or bad, unless they're not what is meant. Kayen has to be a fairly small place for the villagers to gather from ALL over it. They are unlikely to abandon their farms for a trek of several days, especially those in the south. It would be quicker for them to flee from there if the trip to the tavern was out of the way.

I guess Publius has the duty to report and is not deserting in the face of the enemy. This brings the question how he could do that. If the border situation is that bad, the army would need every man. A few words that distinguish duty from desertion could probably be fit in around the first mention of Publius.

The opening has a few mechanical problems:

In the first sentence, inn keeper could be one word. Is Moseph beside the bar or in the more usual position behind the bar?

A forehead is usually bald even on a Geico caveman. Perhaps he mopped his brow, without adjectives leaving description like 'balding' to later.

Do all those people fit in the bar? Standing room only? Is Moseph hot from work, from the weather or from the press of the crowd? Overflow to the grounds outside?

'Publius had brought' says that he is already there. 'If Publius were to bring' says that he is not there yet. I think the tense contradiction needs to be resolved.

In 'immediately before the armies reached' immediately is redundant to the urgency that follows it. The adverb should be the first to go to clear the redundancy.

'As far as villagers were concerned' implies that is as much as they care about. 'As far as villagers knew' would convey enough more caring that they are anxious for word.

Topic switches from the tavern to villagers to the enemy in the north, all in one paragraph. A break or two would be in order. It's good that Moseph's concern is in a new paragraph.

Is this the sort of critique you are looking for?

What's the initiating event that starts your story moving? If it's the enemy coming on Publius' heels and the townsfolk fleeing for their lives, then this may be the right place to start, but not necessarily the right POV to start in. Maybe Publius instead? Someone who promises more action.

All other things being equal, I prefer to start out in the protagonist's POV. Of course, there are plenty of books that start out with someone else's POV first and then move to the protagonist. Harry Potter comes to mind.

So far, everyone in the crowd seems to feel the same. They hope for news that the war is going well and fear that the enemy will sweep across their peaceful little corner of the world and force them to flee. There could be five or five hundred, since they're all the same. Is there someone in the crowd that feels differently? Someone who hates this little backwater town and would welcome a chance to get out? Someone who sees this as a chance for adventure? Someone stuck in an abusive situation who would welcome the chaos as a means of escaping? Contrasting that person's thoughts against those of the rest of the townsfolk would add some tension and interest to your opening.

JeffBarton

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Description of the inn and mention of villagers imply a fantasy piece to me, but there's no speculative or magical element mentioned. There's time to introduce them later in a novel, but not too much later.[\QUOTE]

It is a fantasy setting, though there are no magical elements in it, other than superstition.

[QUOTE]Is this the sort of critique you are looking for?

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Yes, indeed it is, and many thanks.

Meredith

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Is there someone in the crowd that feels differently? Someone who hates this little backwater town and would welcome a chance to get out?

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I see what you're getting at. Difficult to do though, in the first 13. I would have to switch pov's, or make the point known through dialogue, which again is difficult in the first 13 lines.

annepin

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Also, the information is revealed in an almost perfunctory, expository way.

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I completely agree. A few others have made this point I noticed. I introduced a character, and then let forth a paragraph of background. It feels out of place.

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Engage us with the character, rather than the information.

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Agreed.

keithjgrant

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Make something about his character a little different than I would expect from the cliche.

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I agree, he does seem rather generic, though it's hard to do much more with only 13 lines.

Many thanks to you all for your feedback, including those I haven't quoted. I've tried to take most of what's been said on board. Please find the following re-write. It's not perfect, but is it more along the lines of what you guys had in mind? Critique would again be appreciated.

Moseph the innkeeper stood beside the bar of the Sundial Tavern, mopping at the sweat from his balding forehead. Never in all his fifty years had he seen so many people gathered in the relatively small tavern, and the crowd seemed to be growing. The heat from all the bodies had become stifling.
Moseph watched as Tanya, the bar maid, sauntered over to him and leaned her elbows on the bar. She rested her chin on the palm of her hand and sighed heavily. Moseph noted her sour expression and offered a smile.
“Taps dried up,” she said matter-of-factly. “The rioting will start soon.” Moseph shook his head.
“Doubtful. The people are too worried about what news Publius will bring of the battle.” His face grew solemn for a moment,

[This message has been edited by Snow Crash (edited July 08, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Snow Crash (edited July 08, 2009).]

>> Moseph shook his head.
Just a nit, but I'd bump this into the next paragraph to tie it more with his dialogue.

>> His face grew solemn for a moment, and though he tried to
>> hide it with a weak smile, Tanya had noticed it.
I'm picking on small stuff here, but I have two thoughts on this sentence: First, the opening clause _may_ be a POV slip, but it's debatable. Second, I read it just fine the first few times, but I wonder if the past perfect "had noticed" could be construed as happening before the solemn face, which is just in past tense... though I don't know my grammar well enough to say for sure. Again, I might just be making a fuss over nothing, but, hey, you didn't give a lot of errors for me to work with here

One idea. You have the opportunity to show a second, lesser emotion in Moseph with the crowd and the beer selling out: he could feel happy about the sales or proud that his tavarn is the central meeting place. Of course, this would still be overshadowed by the concern for his son, and he might even feel guilty for these emotions. I wouldn't give it more than a passing comment (keep it subtle), but it would add some conflicting emotions that make him an even deeper character. Just a thought.

One thing I miss from the first version is a sense of fear. I don't know if other people feel this way also, but in your first version, the possibility of coming danger gave me a clear sense that the villagers coming to the inn aren't just worried or curious, they're scared. I lost that sense in the second version. I don't think the second version is bad without the fear, but I think it would be better with it. I would at least work it in soon after this.

I know you only have 13 lines here, but how the people react already tells me about the battle. Is this side winning the war? Is he upset because his son is in the front rather than somewhere else? OR is this the final defense before the invading army comes in and destroys all of them? Are these citizens fearful for their lives, or simply nervous that the war has come closer than they would like?

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but I wonder if the past perfect "had noticed" could be construed as happening before the solemn face, which is just in past tense

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Yeah I have no idea on that one. I thought the same thing, as well as the potential POV slip. The whole sentence is slightly awkward I think.

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You have the opportunity to show a second, lesser emotion in Moseph with the crowd and the beer selling out: he could feel happy about the sales or proud that his tavarn is the central meeting place.

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Okay, one thing I’ll have to do is make it clearer that Moseph is the inn keeper and doesn’t actually run the tavern, as there seems to be some confusion there.

Marita Ann:

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One thing I miss from the first version is a sense of fear

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Teraen:

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My point is that since I don't feel fear, I can't really pin my fingers on why they are reacting the way they are

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You both make similar points, which I agree with. A quick line of Moseph observing the tension and fear of the people around him I think would cover this better.

Colin:

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other than changing "The King's army were" to "The King's army was" and "barbarous" to "barbarious", I have no advice. This piece is great.

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I think you read the first post and not the re-write, though many thanks for the appreciation.