Godslayer, Chapter 1:

Stargazing required focus, so the old man was quite irritated at the interruption.

“Scurcifer!” called the voice from the camp down below. It meant Bearer of Filth in the old tongue. It never ceased to amaze him that insults were the only remnants of that beautiful language still in common use. They called him that because he was given the duty of cleaning up after their horses… and keeping an eye on them after the day’s travel, apparently. Again came the voice, tearing the last bit of concentration from his mind, “Get off your lazy backside before they all wander off.”

Not for the first time, he wondered how they would behave if they knew he could kill them all with less than a flick of his wrist.

Pitch:
When a mysterious plague claims the life of the woman he loves, Teraen rejects the Gods who should have protected her. Driven to find the evil enveloping the land, Teraen is soon taken under the wing of a powerful mage, and into the very heart of the Empire as a member of the elite Praetorian Guard. But when his duties come into conflict with his quest for the truth, Teraen learns the hard way that truth is treason in the Empire of Lies... and the truth is more amazing, and more frightening, than he could have ever imagined...

If any are willing to read the first scene, I would love the help. Its about 2000 words, 4 pages of text. Thanks.

[This message has been edited by Teraen (edited July 08, 2009).]

"Scurcifer!" -- nice word. It even sounds disgusting, as Bearer of Filth should. That, however, is the only name we know him by. If that will carry through the story, fine, and the first 13 stand to inform us of that name. When we add in the pitch/jacket note/blurb, it speaks of Teraen. If they are the same character, perhaps 'old Teraen' could replace 'the old man' so we have a consistent name for him--the one he as the POV character uses for himself.

"and keeping an eye on them after the day’s travel, apparently" -- I take it that 'them' are the horses, but mostly from context in the next sentence.
I don't think 'apparently' works here. Either he has that duty or he doesn't. The duty may not be formally stated, but if he gets the treatment that follows, it's his. And his POV knows this already.

When the story starts with an old man and the pitch speaks of a much younger person, we begin to expect a flashback -- unless Scurcifer is the powerful mage and we will get a POV shift.

The last two sentences hold the speculative element and show that there is tension rather than submissive acceptance on his part. I take it that the last sentence is separated into its own paragraph for hooking emphasis. I personally don't think the separation is needed. It's chilling enough that it is said. I'm hooked enough to read the 2000-word start if you'd like.

First, I'm not really sure how the world this man lives in functions, but I would never expect an old man to be acting as a stableboy. The job seems too tiring for someone who's old.

second, when you said towards the end, "He wondered how they would act if they knew he could kill them with the flick of his wrist", for some reason I thought you were still talking about the horses. It took me a second to realize that you were talking about people. Perhaps you should change the first "they" to "those who traveled with him" or "his companions" or something that would clear up that confusion.