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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Sara

   
Author Topic: Sara
tj5to1
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Sara Crockett clung to the banisters and crept along the cat walk in near pitch blackness, following Zack Miner's shadow ahead of her. Sara's adrenaline was pumping. She was sure everyone on the stage could hear her heartbeat, since it was practically deafening in her ears. The only light up here in this vast array of wires and beams came from the stage area.
'I can't believe I'm doing this,' thought Sara Crockett. 'Me! The girl who gets A's and B's, who never cheats or gets into trouble with teachers, is sneaking up to the tech booth with a guy I've just met.' Sara had been so excited about stealing up to the ceiling that she didn't take the time to fully consider the consequences, until now.
Sara was just a fifteen year old, high school actress wannabe.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 17, 2009).]


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JeffBarton
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Hi, tj5to1, and welcome to a new member.

I see in this fragment that a teenage girl is following a boy high above the stage to (what she thinks is) the sound booth. Sara introduces herself as a good student and a 'good girl.'
This speaks of a young adult story, that may start with something she'll regret later. We don't get to see what that is, but there are only 13 lines posted. There is time to carry into the story.

There is some tension of new exploration in her following a boy into the dark reaches above the stage. That may hook a reader's interest and I would give the story the rest of a page or two on this basis.

Another possible hook to capture readers' interest is some speculative element -- it is a science fiction or fantasy story, isn't it? We sometimes assume that incorrectly around here.

I do see some technical issues in the post:

"Sara's adrenaline..." -- I'd prefer a pronoun rather than repeating 'Sara' so soon.

"thought Sara Crockett" -- actually looks like the starting point of an earlier draft with her whole name spelled out like an introduction. It could be reduced to 'she thought' and should certainly be without her last name. Also, directly quoted thoughts that are not spoken are written in italics rather than being put in quotes.

"just a fifteen year old, high school " -- the comma should go. Is she feeling down on herself? 'Just' in her self-description indicates her self image. If that's the intent, it worked and fits the tentative voice in the rest of her POV narrative and in her thoughts.

You don't ask for anything in particular in the way of critique, so I hope this helps.


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Jaz
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I'd have to agree with Jeff on the repeating of Sara's name. use it once and then use the pronouns until there's another girl introduced.

I typically see thoughts in italics, which makes it easier for the reader to differentiate between that and speech.

Maybe you can play up the lighting thing, explain how it is coming from the stage and the weird shadows it must throw. That will give us a better visual of what its like.

Good luck.


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Rexwell
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Hello,

Comments are in parentheses.


Sara Crockett clung to the banisters and crept along the cat walk in near pitch blackness, following Zack Miner's shadow ahead of her. Sara's (Agree. Use Her.) adrenaline was pumping. She was sure everyone on the stage could hear her heartbeat, since it was practically deafening in her ears. The only light up here in this vast array of wires and beams came from the stage area. (good descriptions.)
'I can't believe I'm doing this,' thought Sara Crockett (No need of last name). 'Me! The girl who gets A's and B's, who never cheats or gets into trouble with teachers, is sneaking up to the tech booth with a guy I've just met.' Sara had been so excited about stealing up to the ceiling that she didn't take the time to fully consider the consequences, until now.
Sara was just a fifteen year old, high school actress wannabe.

(In general, I agree about the overuse of her name. Just one full name introduction and then pronouns after that would be good. You could probably use her first name one more time, but not any more. The story is interesting and as a reader I would be inclined to read more. However, it does strike me as being young adultish, and I might want to catch a glimpse of some fantasy or sci fi element within the first few pages to keep me interested. It's a good beginning.)


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Telik
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I'm not sure how helpful this will be, so take this with a grain of salt...comments in brackets [ ]
----------------------------------------

Sara Crockett clung to the banisters and crept along the cat walk in near pitch blackness, following Zack Miner's shadow ahead of her.

[This is a good first sentence, but can't get over wondering if, in near-pitch-blackness, someone would have a shadow? Dont know why that sticks in my mind... wonder if anyone else agrees.]

[following Zack Miner's shadow ahead of her -- drop ahead of her, redundant since you used 'following' already]

[her] adrenaline was pumping. She was sure everyone on the stage could hear her heartbeat, since it was practically deafening in her ears.

The only light up here in this vast array of wires and beams came from the stage area. [do you need this since it's already near-pitch-blackness?]

'I can't believe I'm doing this,' thought Sara Crockett. 'Me! The [good student], who never cheats or gets into trouble with teachers [eliminate 'with teachers'], is sneaking up to the tech booth with a guy I've just met.' Sara had been so excited about stealing up to the ceiling that she didn't take the time to fully consider the consequences, until now.
Sara was just a fifteen year old, high school actress wannabe.


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