At long last I have found a different start to my story that is in the right context. This start, rather than being at the chronological start is actually at the end of the story but serves to set it up without giving too much away.
Here are the first thirteen:
------------------ Si Turner was dressed for the occasion. Gone were his everyday workclothes; his black suit, white shirt and slip-on shoes. Now he wore a tailored suit, a pristine white starched shirt and expensive tie-up shoes. Today he knew his appearance would be as important as his testimony.
His stomach was churning, his mind wheeling. He shouldn't be here, it was not his case he kept reminding himself. Well it was now … he had been saddled with it. He glanced over to the dock, to the girl sitting frightened behind the glass shield; the subject of his testimony. He was neither for or against the defence or prosecution but he knew they would be expecting a straightforward testimony, one that would be irreproachable, for that was what his business was about. Today though he
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Dialogue follows on from this point. The next chapter will start at the real start of the story and should run chronologically through to this point if all goes to plan.
Be interested in your feedback. Thanks for reading.
Ade
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 23, 2009).]
posted
Si Turner was dressed for the occasion. Gone were his everyday workclothes; (semicolons are generally supposed to connect two independent ideas but indicate more of a connection between the two than a period allows. In this case, I think you want a colon.) his black suit, white shirt and slip-on shoes. Now he wore a tailored suit (maybe you want to indicate that the coat he normally wears is off the rack?), a pristine (is this shirt somehow more pristine than the one he normally wears?) white starched shirt and expensive tie-up shoes. Today he knew his appearance would be as important as his testimony.
His stomach was churning, his mind wheeling. He shouldn't be here,(here, I think a semicolon would work better than a comma.) it was not his case he kept reminding himself. Well it was now … he had been saddled with it. He glanced over to the dock, to the girl sitting frightened behind the glass shield; (here, again, I think you might want to use a colon or even a long dash.) the subject of his testimony. He was neither for (nor?)or against the defence or prosecution but he knew they would be expecting a straightforward testimony, one that would be irreproachable, for that was what his business was about. Today though he
My comments were mainly minor technical points. I like the beginning. It draws me into the conflict and gives me some idea of what kind of guy this is (white collar but not too high brow,and someone who does his duty. It leaves some mystery as to how he got involved and also indicates an internal conflict that I'm anxious to understand. The only other thing is the part where it says it's not his case, makes it seem as if he is with the prosecution or the defense. Maybe he is a professional foresic witness or something? Perhaps some clarification would help.
quote:Si Turner was dressed for the occasion. Gone were his everyday workclothes; I agree that a colon would be best here, and you might want to loose the 'his' that follows it his black suit, white shirt and slip-on shoes. Now he wore a tailored suit, a pristine white starched shirt and expensive tie-up shoes. Today he knew his appearance would be as important as his testimony. I like the last two lines. It tells me that he's always someone who takes his job seriously, but usually doesn't care about aesthetics. In this case he understands, however, that both are equally important.
His stomach was churning, his mind wheeling. He shouldn't be here, it was not his case he kept reminding himself. Well it was now … he had been saddled with it. good visual, he's been forced to work this particular job against his will like a stubborn donkey that must accept the saddle. I only comment cause I've never heard the metaphor before He glanced over to the dock, to the girl sitting frightened behind the glass shield; the subject of his testimony. He was neither for or against the defence or prosecution but he knew they would be expecting a straightforward testimony, one that would be irreproachable, for that was what his business was about. Today though he
It definitely sets up tension, and, to me, it seems like Si Turner is an expert witness more than anything else. I feel like I want more out of those 13, though. Right now, I just see a man/woman that is sitting in court. I'm sure if I read a page or two more of the intro I'd see something happen, but with just these 13 to go on it's hard to get pulled into mystery. Maybe if the gavel came down and an unfavorable ruling was made I would really want to know why and continue reading on.
[This message has been edited by morgansmarcos (edited July 23, 2009).]
posted
Thanks for the replies. Yes, it should be a colon - in my haste in discovering this new approach to start the story I missed a couple of edits.
I will have a think around making the opening more dynamic as has been suggested. I have an idea or two - just need to see how it fits with everything that comes after.
posted
I like this a lot. I would definitely want to read on. Part of the hook for me is in the title, which suggests that the story is going to be about a child, and the POV character in the first 13 is not a child. Even without your explanation, I would suspect that we might be starting at the end of the story.
Besides the semicolon thing, my only nit is that I felt like we shifted too quickly from a light penetration in the first paragraph to a deep penetration in the second (if those are the right terms, I can't remember). It was like I was learning about this person from a safe distance, looking him over, watching him, and then wham! suddenly I get pulled into his head and I'm feeling his stomach churn. I think it might be fixed by rearranging the order of the sentences in the second paragraph:
---- He glanced over to the dock, to the girl sitting frightened behind the glass shield; the subject of his testimony. He kept reminding himself that he shouldn't be here, it was not his case. His stomach churned. ----
posted
Right, a quick re-write of the first 13. Hopefully it now sits in a more structured manner with regard to POV penetration. Have also taken out some content that can be used a few paragraphs later.
Si Turner was dressed for the occasion. Gone were his everyday work-clothes: his off-the-rack suit, white shirt and slip-on shoes. Now he wore a tailored black suit, a pristine white starched shirt and expensive tie-up shoes. Today he knew his appearance would be as important as his testimony.
He glanced over to the dock, to the girl sitting frightened behind the glass shield; the subject of his testimony. His stomach churned. It was not his case he kept reminding himself. Well it was now … he had been saddled with it. He also knew the prosecution and defence would be expecting a straightforward testimony, one that would be irreproachable, for that was what his business was about. Today though he needed to prime them that it would be anything but straight-forward. His mind was hammering through the possibilities.
Again dialogue will start within a couple of more sentences.
posted
First of all, I just want to say that this is really good, nice job setting the scene and giving us a sense of character.
A couple of things stopped me.
quote:It was not his case he kept reminding himself. Well it was now … he had been saddled with it.
This statement confused me because it is his case. I get the feeling that he is feeling quilty about what he is about to do, but I don't understand why he is reminding himself that this is not his case when it is; it wasn't before but it is now. Is it that he trying to ease his conscious by reminding himself that he didn't chose the case, that the case was forced on him? I am not sure what this sentence is trying to convey.
quote:Today though he needed to prime them that it would be anything but straight-forward.
This sentence seemed a bit awkward. Maybe it is just because I have never seen "prime" used that way in a sentence. Is this a legal term? Or maybe it is my own vocabulary issue. I don't know, but the sentence stopped me.
posted
Sorry if I'm repeating anybody; I like to post before reading other crits so you're just getting my response.
This opening is OK--it wouldn't make me stop reading--but it's not great. It doesn't make me particularly interested in reading on, either. Here's what I think would improve it:
Right now, we're basically opening with Si's thoughts without anything really happening. It's a bit boring to me. If you get something happening first...maybe the trial is in progress, and give us a little bit of that scene so that we're grounded in space and time and so that we're watching something unfold, THEN give us his thoughts about it. I think a character's thoughts are more meaningful and interesting if they are thoughts about what we're already watching. Action first, thoughts second.
posted
Thanks again for feedback. Slight amendment:
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Si Turner was dressed for the occasion. Gone were his everyday work-clothes: his off-the-rack suit, white shirt and slip-on shoes. Now he wore a tailored black suit, a pristine white starched shirt and expensive tie-up shoes. Today he knew his appearance would be as important as his testimony.
He glanced over to the dock, to the girl sitting frightened behind the glass shield; the subject of his testimony. His stomach churned. It was not meant to be his case he kept reminding himself. Well it was now … he had been saddled with it. He also knew the prosecution and defence would be expecting a straightforward testimony, one that would be irreproachable, for that was what his business was about. Today though he needed to prime them that it would be anything but straight-forward. His mind was hammering through the possibilities.
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At the present time I have not changed the sentence 'Today though he needed to prime them ......' as I am happy at this stage with the use of the word 'prime' and feel that it does its work in showing that he has to prepare the group to thinking that things will not be straightforward. However, if anyone else feels it may be mis-construed or not understood I will review.
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