posted
This story was in F&F a long time ago, but I've been letting it simmer for nearly a year, and now I'm making my first tentative efforts at a complete rewrite. This is still pretty rough, but I wanted to know if I was headed in the right direction.
Is the first sentence too soon to mention a character who the reader won't actually meet for a long time?
I don't like the backstory in this part, but it seems necessary. Is it too noticable? Any suggestions would be appreciated.
At some point down the road I might be interested in readers, but this is my first opportunity to write all summer, so it might be awhile.
quote:The whole world was on fire with the news that Prince Rillion had been allowed home from his exile on the Dark Continent, but Jenny hardly noticed. The gypsies had arrived and set up camp on the outskirts of town. Ever since Jenny was 7, she, Scott and her cousin Philip had tried to sneak over to the gypsy's camp, and for 10 years they had failed. This time was different—Scott was actually going to introduce her to the gypsies, but they couldn't find Philip anywhere.
Scott and Jenny hurried down a path through the woods. The sun was already setting. Although the days were getting shorter, the season was unusually hot. The leaves on the trees were turning brown instead of their usual bright hues, and the air on the trail between the trees was oppressive.
Thank you!
[This message has been edited by Unwritten (edited July 28, 2009).]
posted
I don't feel that mentioning Prince Rillion will be an issue, since you also introduce the POV character in that same sentence. That first sentence does bring about a sense of mystery to me that encourages me to want to continue on. I want to know why it is such a big deal that Prince Rillion had been allowed to return.
One thing that confused me (and it may only be me) was that Jenny, Phillip and Scott had tried to sneak over to the gypsy's camp yet ten years later Scott was simply able to introduce them. For me that was a huge jump because I don't know why Scott was also trying to sneak in and now he is able to introduce them. I'm sure you will go into detail on this later but for me it was a bit jarring. Perhaps you could give a slight hint as to why he is able to setup such an introduction.
posted
I do think there's too much backstory in the first sentence. I'd try weaving some of the info into a text. Like, Jenny's running through the forest, wondering how Scott's gotten an intro to the gypsy camp, or excited that she'll be able to meet the gypsies for the first time.
And I don't think the info about Prince Rillon is necessarily a no-go, but you have to make it seem more natural. If Jenny hardly notices it happened, it's unlikely she'd be thinking about it. I think the hook is okay without the info, though you could always do something like have Scott or Phillip blabbing about it later in the first thirteen, and Jenny thinking "yes, whatever, who cares about this prince when I'm about to see gypsies?"
[This message has been edited by BoredCrow (edited July 28, 2009).]
posted
Thank you both. I am going to use your ideas and I'll post something later on. It was fun to feel like a writer again for a few moments, but vacation marches on!
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