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This book is geered toward high school girls, and is a non-scifi romance. Kathleen, I only put the first 13 lines, but you keep taking away the last 2 sentences. Am I doing something wrong?
Sara Crockett clung to the banisters and crept along the catwalk in near pitch-blackness, with the dark profile of Zack Miner leading her. Her adrenaline was pumping; she was sure everyone on the stage could hear her heartbeat, since it was practically deafening in her ears. The only light up here in this vast array of wires and beams came from the stage area, where cast members were gathering their stuff to leave. 'I can't believe I'm doing this,' she thought. 'Me! I don’t break the rules, but I’m sneaking up to the tech booth with a guy I've just met.' Sara had been so excited about stealing up to the ceiling that she didn't take the time to fully consider the consequences, until now. Sara was a fifteen-year-old, high school actress wannabe.
Note from Kathleen: please read this topic to see how to tell when you've posted 13 lines.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 13, 2009).]
posted
So the fifteen year-old girl, coming of age story is something I am infinitely unqualified to talk about so my perceptions may be a little off. What I see is that you have an opportunity to have a distinct character voice for your character and that as long as she is in a scene and we are in her POV, then things should be described as she would think of them. Would she think "tech booth" or would she think something more descriptive and colorful. Maybe only nerds are into the AV stuff so she calls it the "Nerd-dome" (yes I know how lame that is but my lunch is setting in and the carb-coma will soon follow). Why did she feel compelled to go to the catwalk with this boy? Was he "super-cute"? Or was she tired of always being called the goodie-girl? In my albeit very limited experience 15 year-old girls don't think rationally, so what makes this one special? There are a wealth of descriptive and voice elements out there that you can take advantage of and I think you should. That said, I do like the part where she talks about the fact that she doesn't do things like this. It's an interesting technique that shows us both where the character has been and where it is going developmentally. We know she doesn't break rules but then we see her breaking one and we know she is changing without having to read 100 pages of "Sally is a good girl." While it's not my cup of tea as far as genre goes I can see that you have some potential to explore. Good luck.
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posted
I was a fifteen year old girl! Depending on who Zach is to her might answer a lot. I would like to see the sentence with 'deafening' end sooner so that almost the last word we see is 'deafening'. I think you can give it a lot more impact very easily here.
Also Tech Booth is fine. There is nothing overtly geeky about cute boys who sit 30-50 feet high in the dark overseeing the action like gods.
I think this girl wouldn't think too critically of others that way, for some reason. Girls this age are pretty self-absorbed and tend to be more critical of self than of others - except when they run in packs, that's something else.
I don't like the actress wannabe bit for some reason. Maybe the change in POV Nathan mentions? Maybe because she is heart thumping scared and excited in one sentence and the next is refering to her high school career plans?
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Sara Crockett clung to the banisters and crept along the catwalk in near pitch-blackness, with the dark profile of Zack Miner leading her. Her adrenaline was pumping; she was sure everyone on the stage could hear her heartbeat, since it was practically deafening to her. 'I can't believe I'm doing this,' she thought. 'Me! I don’t break the rules, but I’m sneaking up to the tech booth with a guy I've just met.' Sara had been so excited about stealing up to the ceiling that she didn't take the time to fully consider the consequences, until now. She'd wondered during play practices how the sound techies were able to get to the booth above the audience seats. Then, an hour ago, she met Zack from the tech crew. Posts: 26 | Registered: Apr 2009
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posted
Instead of saying she'd been curious about how to get to the tech booth, I could say, "She'd heard the other cast members brag about how cool it was in the tech booth, and she was jealous and insecure about her 'coolness' since she was the only one who hadn't been up there."
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