***New Attempt a few replies down. Please critique that one.****
The abandoned ruins of Denver spread for miles, but to seventeen-year-old Jetta, they’re a prison. Enslaved by the ganglord Dagan for her rare gift, she’s spent her entire life seeking merk: the mysterious, liquid fallout that draws life from the charred soil, heals the sick, and gives inhuman powers to those who consume it. Jetta dreams of a free life in the mountains on the Western horizon, but in the face of a merk shortage, Dagan keeps her under tight watch.
Then, a dying woman broadcasts a mass radio message describing a huge reserve of merk, hidden in the dangerous and forbidden East Half. It’s clear that obtaining it would bring incredible wealth and power, but seeking it would likely bring death. Jetta, however, sees a chance at freedom and is willing to face anything to gain it.
After killing her guard, she becomes a desperate fugitive and must delve deep into the shadows of the East Half. Feral dogs, mutated by merk, hunt her. Radiation storms bring lightning and flash floods. And all the while, Dagan’s men close in around her. If Jetta doesn’t find the reserve soon, she’ll not only lose her one chance to be free, she’ll lose her life as well.
SEARCHER is YA post-apocalyptic novel, complete at 79,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
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Thoughts? Is it clear? Does it catch your interest?
Thanks!
[This message has been edited by wrenbird (edited October 02, 2009).]
posted
The premise is interesting. But I think if this is your query you want to refine it. From what I have learned agents (if that is who you are sending it to) aren't interested in bogged down in details at first. They want a glimpse. I am not an expert and perhaps, people here have had some experience in what works for them.
I think you will find this helpful. How to Write a Great Query Letter by Noah Lukeman, who is an expert. You can find it for free download at amazon.com. I only suggest this, because it was very helpful to me when I wanted to write a query and it was free. Good luck.
[This message has been edited by thayeller (edited October 02, 2009).]
I know nothing about what agents look for in queries, but just as an overall read I find it very intriguing and well written. I get a solid understanding of the story (enviroment, how it will unfold, understanding of the MC and the conflict(s)). If this was something written on the back of a book it would get me to start reading the first page.
"After killing her guard" - would it be better to just say "after escaping" and leave this detail of her escape to the story? (I don't know myself, maybe this is something the agent would want?)
I know you didn't ask, but I'd love to give the story a read! purely for my own pleasure (or if you wanted comments as well).
posted
I think the website query shark is an awesome tool for writing good queries if you haven't already checked her out.
This is her advice:
quote:Then start with: who is the heroine? What choice does she face? What are the consequences of that choice? Write that in 250 or fewer words. You don't need the entire plot. You need to compel me to read the first five pages. That's ALL you have to do in the query.
I think you are almost there, but you give a little too much plot info and not enough hint of character.
quote:The abandoned ruins of Denver spread for miles, but to seventeen-year-old Jetta, they’re a prison. Enslaved by the ganglord Dagan for her rare gift I would like to know more about this; it sounds interesting., she’s spent her entire life seeking merk: the mysterious, liquid fallout that draws life from the charred soil, heals the sick, and gives inhuman powers to those who consume it. This is a cool idea. Jetta dreams of a free life in the mountains on the Western horizon, but in the face of a merk shortage, Dagan keeps her under tight watch.
I like the first paragraph, but I would like a sense of who Jetta is and why we should care about her.
Then, a dying woman broadcasts a mass radio message describing a huge reserve of merk, hidden in the dangerous and forbidden East Half. It’s clear that obtaining it would bring incredible wealth and power, but seeking it would likely bring death.This is too much plot detail for a query. It doesn't matter how she learns about the merk. Only that she does and sees it as a chance to escape. Jetta, however, sees a chance at freedom and is willing to face anything to gain it.
After killing her guard,Once again I think this is too much plot detail and makes it look too easy for her to escape. she becomes a desperate fugitive and must delve deep into the shadows of the East Half. Feral dogs, mutated by merk, hunt her. Radiation storms bring lightning and flash floods. And all the while, Dagan’s men close in around her. If Jetta doesn’t find the reserve soon, she’ll not only lose her one chance to be free, she’ll lose her life as well. This does a good job setting up the stakes and what she has to gain and loose.
SEARCHER is YA post-apocalyptic novel, complete at 79,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
So here is what I am confused about. I don't understand how getting the merk is going to win her her freedom. Wouldn't Dagan just take it from her? Is she planing on selling it and using the money to buy her freedom, which I think would be hard for a teenage slave to do without proper contacts. I think the distributor would just take the merk and kill her. Or is she going to use it to become super human? I think this needs to be explained.
Here is my suggestion.
Keep the first paragraph and elaborate on her and her ability.
In the second paragraph, cut out how she learns about the hidden merk just say that she does and specifically explain how finding it will win her her freedom.
In the final paragraph, say something like "But to win her freedom, she must first do the impossible and escape from Dagen, and then the hard part begins." Then explain the hardships she will face and the consequences of her failure like you did in the end of the last paragraph.
All of this is just my oppinion, but I hope it helps.
Good luck, this sounds like a good story.
[This message has been edited by MAP (edited October 02, 2009).]
The abandoned ruins of Denver spread for miles, but to seventeen-year-old Jetta, they’re a prison. Her dreams lie in mountains on the Western horizon, in a place of trees and rivers and life—birds never sing in the Ruins. But enslaved by the ganglord Dagan for her rare gift, she instead spends her days in the hovering deadness of the city, seeking merk: the mysterious, liquid fallout that draws life from the charred soil, heals the sick, and gives inhuman powers to those who consume it.
When Jetta overhears word of a huge reserve of merk, possibly the last reserve left, she sees the means to survive, should she finally make her escape to the mountains. The plan has one problem, however. The merk reserve is said to be hidden in the dangerous and forbidden East Half.
Determined to pursue her one chance, Jetta kills her guard, and becomes a desperate fugitive. She must delve deep into the shadows of the East Half. Feral dogs, mutated by merk, hunt her. Radiation storms bring lightning and flash floods. And all the while, Dagan’s men close in around her. If Jetta doesn’t find the reserve soon, she’ll not only lose her one chance to be free, she’ll lose her life as well.
SEARCHER is YA post-apocalyptic novel, complete at 79,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
posted
Yes, better. I will echo the comments that I want to know what this rare gift of hers is, and I want a little more insight into Jetta's personality or internal life.
The phrase "draws life from the charred soil" seems backward--how can charred soil act as a source of life? Perhaps restore life to the soil instead.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited October 03, 2009).]
quote:When Jetta overhears word of a huge reserve of merk, possibly the last reserve left, she sees the means to survive, should she finally make her escape to the mountains.the part in italics didn't read right to me.The plan has one problem, however.Cut the part in italics and add only to the next sentenceOnly, the merk reserve is said to be hidden in the dangerous and forbidden East Half.
But I really like it. Good luck with this. It sounds like an awesome book.
[This message has been edited by MAP (edited October 08, 2009).]
A few nitpicks/suggestions on your letter. I think it's really good and compelling, makes me want to read the book, but here's a few things:
- her dreams lie in THE mountains (the lack of "the" in the sentence was disruptive to me.) - The "birds never sing" phrase was a little too isolated for me. I think it might work better if that sentence were broken into two - "Western horizon. It's a place of trees and river and life--birds never sing in the Ruins, some other mention of how horrible it is." - agree, tell the agents/editors what her rare gift is. It fits right in the sentence you've already written, "her rare gift of reading sentences in a sing-song voice." - I don't think you need a comma after "mysterious" (it's a mysterious liquid fallout, is it not? Comma gets in the way.) - I know this is a tremendous nitpick, but in my world you either overhear about...or you hear word...you don't overhear word. Does that make sense? "When Jetta hears word of a huge reserve..." or "When Jetta overhears about a huge reserve..." (but in the overhears case, you almost have to say who she overhears from...otherwise the word "overhears" kind of sticks out, in my opinion.)
posted
The abandoned**Do we need abandoned? ruins sort of says it for me but maybe there's dangerous fallout?** ruins of Denver spread for miles, but **is but better than 'and' here?** to seventeen-year-old Jetta, they’re a prison. Her dreams lie in mountains on the Western horizon, in a place of trees and rivers and life—birds never sing in the Ruins. **are there birds in the ruins or do they just not sing there? I think I would prefer either no birds at all or more discussion as to why they don't sing but are there** But enslaved by the ganglord Dagan for her rare gift **I agree with the others, a little more specificity about the gift**, she instead spends her days in the hovering deadness of the city, seeking merk: the mysterious, liquid fallout that draws life from the charred soil, heals the sick, and gives inhuman powers to those who consume it.
When Jetta overhears word of a huge reserve of merk, possibly the last reserve left, she sees the means to survive, should she finally make her escape to the mountains. The plan has one problem, however. The merk reserve is said to be hidden in the dangerous and forbidden East Half.
Determined to pursue her one chance, Jetta kills her guard, and becomes a desperate fugitive. She must delve deep into the shadows of the East Half. Feral dogs, mutated by merk, hunt her. Radiation storms bring lightning and flash floods. And all the while, Dagan’s men close in around her. If Jetta doesn’t find the reserve soon, she’ll not only lose her one chance to be free, she’ll lose her life as well.
I would keep reading, I think. I hope her gift is resistance to radioactive fallout, though! Or is that why she'll lose her life soon, for being exposed for so long?
posted
Thanks so much KayTi and Savant. I definitely appreciate the feedback.
In regards to her "rare gift," it is the ability to sense and find merk. So I don't know how I could explain that before explaining what merk is. And the way I have the who intro structured, I feel like I first and foremost have to say that she is enslaved for her gift. So you can see, it's a bit of a sticky spot.
posted
Throw an extra sentence at the end of that first para:
"Her gift lets her sense and find merk, a trait the underlord is eager to exploit..."
(or something about how he's unwilling to un-enslave her because he needs her so bad. I'm sure part of what you play with here is her feelings of helplessness about having to help find merk for this bad dude.)
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