Newest Version

Vatar is a boy on the edge of manhood. His best friend is killed in a flash flood during an adventure inspired partly by Vatar’s curiosity and partly by the boys’ defiance of adult authority. The dead boy’s father, the tribe’s shaman, blames Vatar and vows to take revenge.

Vatar’s parents fear that the shaman will use the upcoming manhood test to strike at Vatar, so they send him away. Vatar becomes an adult all but alone in a strange city, where he must face some surprising and uncomfortable truths about himself and his own emerging magical talents. Vatar tries to stay true to his tribal beliefs, even rejecting his own magical abilities.

Vatar returns home to his people after two years, feeling that he doesn’t truly belong either in the city or on the plains. He struggles to avoid confrontation with the shaman and establish a normal life, with mixed success. But, as every attempt to avenge his son’s death fails, the shaman becomes more and more desperate.

When the shaman publicly accuses Vatar of being possessed by an evil Spirit, the threat becomes too great to ignore. Vatar knows that the shaman wants to use the exorcism as an excuse to torture him to death. And even his death will not be the end of it, because the taint of possession will also haunt his infant children.

Vatar refuses to escape to the city again. Instead he challenges the shaman to an ordeal to prove which of them is in the right. Vatar risks his own life and his place in the tribe in order to secure a future for himself and his children. But the shaman is not content to let an impartial ordeal decide the issue. In the end, Vatar will have to use the magic he has tried to deny in order to put an end to the vendetta.

The Shaman's Curse is a fantasy novel of 113,000 words. The full manuscript is available upon your request. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants], per the instructions on [the agent’s] website.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Newer Version:

Vatar is a boy on the edge of manhood when his best friend is accidentally killed despite Vatar’s warnings. The boy’s father, the tribe’s shaman, sees only that Vatar lived while his son died and vows to take revenge.

At first, Vatar’s parents send him away from his home and tribe for a time. Vatar comes to manhood all but alone in a strange city. He must also face some surprising and uncomfortable truths about himself and his own magical talents. Magic that can get him into more trouble in the city, where the god-like rulers restrict all such power to themselves. Vatar tries to stay true to his tribal beliefs, even rejecting the magic he learns is his heritage.

Vatar returns home to his people after two years. Feeling that he doesn’t truly belong either in the city or on the plains, Vatar struggles to establish a normal life. At first, he follows his parents’ lead and tries to avoid confrontation with the shaman. But, as every attempt to avenge his son’s death fails, the shaman becomes more and more desperate. Finally, when the shaman’s actions threaten not only Vatar, but his infant children, Vatar decides to fight back.

By challenging the shaman to an ordeal, Vatar risks his own life and his place in the tribe in order to secure a future for himself and his children. In the end, Vatar will have to use the magic he has tried to reject in order to gain what he has fought so hard to win.

The Shaman's Curse is a fantasy novel of 113,000 words. The full manuscript is available upon your request. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants], per the instructions on [the agent’s] website.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

New Query:
Vatar is a boy on the edge of manhood when his best friend is accidentally killed despite Vatar’s warnings. Vatar risked his life to try to save his friend, but the boy’s father, the tribe’s shaman, sees only that Vatar lived and his son died. He vows to take revenge on Vatar.

At first, Vatar’s parents make the choice to take him away from his home and tribe for a time. Vatar comes to manhood almost alone in a strange city. But the city also gives him the opportunity to discover many new things about himself and his world. He tries to reject the magic that he learns is his heritage. Despite his efforts, the city changes him in ways Vatar doesn’t realize until after he returns home to his people.

Vatar struggles to establish a normal life. At first, he follows his parents’ lead and tries to avoid confrontation with the shaman. But, as every attempt to avenge his son’s death fails, the shaman becomes more and more desperate. Finally, when the shaman’s actions threaten not only Vatar, but his infant children, Vatar makes the choice to fight back.

In choosing to submit to an ordeal, Vatar risks his own life and his place in the tribe in order to secure a future for himself and his children. In the end, Vatar will have to face the shaman and use the magic he has tried to reject in order to gain what he has fought so hard for.

The Shaman's Curse is a fantasy novel of 113,000 words. The full manuscript is available upon your request. I have enclosed the first twenty pages (to the end of the second chapter) pages as requested. I have also included a synopsis, per the instructions on the Writer’s House website.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Pitch from Previous Query:
Vatar keeps the flashes of foreboding he sometimes feels secret from his tribe, afraid that they will label it magic. But when his best friend, the son of the tribe’s shaman, refuses to heed his warning, the boy dies. The death of his son sends the unstable shaman over the edge. He blames Vatar and vows to take revenge.

Unprepared to face this threat, Vatar flees to the city. Alone for the first time and forced to adapt to a new way of life, Vatar must also face some surprising and uncomfortable truths about himself and the source of the magic he tries to reject. He also must contend with the god-like rulers of the city, who restrict all magic to themselves. Vatar’s occasional flashes of wild, untrained magic threaten to put him in a new kind of danger.

Soon, Vatar finds himself trapped between the plains and the city. Belonging to both and neither, he struggles to build a normal life for himself.

The shaman’s vendetta drives Vatar to a new land, a people who don’t fear magic, and a woman he recognizes from his dreams. In the process, Vatar is forced to overcome his distrust of magic and learn to use his own magical talents. Control of his magic is the final tool he needs to defeat the shaman once and for all.

[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited October 02, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited October 06, 2009).]

At first, Vatar’s parents make the choice to take him away from his home and tribe for a time. Vatar comes to manhood almost alone in a strange city.aren't his parents with him? But the city also gives him the opportunity to discover many new things about himself and his world.a vague sentence He tries to reject the magic that he learns is his heritage.Why? Despite his efforts, the city changes him in ways Vatar doesn’t realize until after he returns home to his people.you already said it changes him, but even this second time, you don't give any specifics. This sounds like it could be interesting, but we don't have enough detail.

Vatar struggles to establish a normal life. At first, he follows his parents’ lead and tries to avoid confrontation with the shaman. But, as every attempt to avenge his son’s death fails, the shaman becomes more and more desperate. Finally, when the shaman’s actions threaten not only Vatar, but his infant children, Vatar makes the choice to fight back. See, to me, this paragraph is much more interesting than the one above it. We have a sense of stakes and danger. I'd either cut out the paragraph above, or weave the important information after this paragraph.

In choosing to submit to an ordeal, Vatar risks his own life and his place in the tribe in order to secure a future for himself and his children. what do you mean "an ordeal?" In the end, Vatar will have to face the shaman and use the magic he has tried to reject in order to gain what he has fought so hard for.

The Shaman's Curse is a fantasy novel of 113,000 words. The full manuscript is available upon your request. I have enclosed the first twenty pages (to the end of the second chapter) pages as requested. I have also included a synopsis, per the instructions on the Writer’s House website.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

I think you have an interesting story here. Like I said before, I think you could cut out that second paragraph. It seems that the only concrete detail we need to know is that he has magical powers that he resists. I'm sure you could work that in elsewhere.

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but the boy’s father, the tribe’s shaman, sees only that Vatar lived and his son died. He vows to take revenge on Vatar.

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Don't try to sum up the whole story, but pitch it. Tell the most interesting things about it and the conflict. The summery is where you sum up the whole story and tell the ending.

Vatar is a boy on the edge of manhood when his best friend is accidentally killed despite Vatar’s warnings kind of clunky esp. for a first sentence.[/b[. Vatar risked [b]tense switch. I think the default is present tense for synopses. his life to try to save his friend, but the boy’s father, the tribe’s shaman, sees only that Vatar lived and his son died. He vows to take revenge on Vatar.

At first, Vatar’s parents make the choice to take him away How about just "choose to take him from his home..." Or better yet, show us there's some fear on their part involved. This whole paragraph felt very flat to me. I like the paragraph from the other query much more from his home and tribe for a time. Vatar comes to manhood almost alone in a strange city. But the city also gives him the opportunity to discover many new things about himself and his world. He tries to reject the magic that he learns is his heritage. Despite his efforts, the city changes him in ways Vatar doesn’t realize until after he returns home to his people.

Vatar struggles to establish a normal life. At first, he follows his parents’ lead and tries to avoid confrontation with the shaman. But, as every attempt to avenge his son’s death fails, the shaman becomes more and more desperate. Finally, when the shaman’s actions threaten not only Vatar, but his infant children, Vatar makes the choice again the phrase "makes the choice". How about just, "Vatar decides". Or :When his infant children are threaten, Vatar realizes he has no choice but to confront... to fight back.

In choosing to submit to an ordeal, Vatar risks his own life and his place in the tribe in order to secure a future for himself and his children. In the end, Vatar will have to face the shaman and use the magic he has tried to reject in order to gain what he has fought so hard for.

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I actually like the second one better. It's much more engaging and has a stronger sense of causality.

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I liked it, too, once. But that query, or its immediate predecessors, just earned me my 21st rejection letter. (Number 21 just arrived today.) So I thought it was time for a change before sending some more out into the world.

The model I'm trying to use this time is from Query Shark. Who is the main character? What choices does he face? And what are the consequences?

This time around, I decline to get involved in making changes that attempt to explain the story in 250 words or less. That's what the synopsis is for, I think. Changes that clarify or improve the flow--like getting rid of the use of choice--are another matter.

All the query letter has to do is make the agent want to read the sample pages and the synopsis. I think causality really belongs more in the synopsis. But what do I know? I'll have a better idea of what works when I finally get one letter that doesn't have the word regret in it.

1) How much time does this story span?

The thing that really jumps out at me (re: the query) is that I'm not getting a sense of the MC's age. First he's on the edge of manhood, which makes me think "Great! Coming of age story." Then suddenly he's got kids and has gone back home? So then I'm confused. Is this two years later? Ten? Twenty? Am I rooting for some kid or a wounded warrior type who decades later has to confront his past? Both are interesting stories, but they're two VERY different types of stories.

2) Why does he return home to his tribe when the shaman is still out to get him?

It's great to know that he gets backed into a corner where he has to use the magic he despises, but why does he go into a situation that puts his kids into danger in the first place? I don't need much, maybe just a clause in a sentence that tells me why he puts himself into that situation. Does the shaman's anger follow him to the city, so he has no choice? Or does he get the the point where he hates the city so much he'll do anything to get out of there?

3) Where's the wife in all this?

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So after reading your query, I think there are three questions I would want to have answered that aren't in there yet. JMHO of course.

1) How much time does this story span?

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This is a fair point. And it relates to the elusive requirement that I give a sense of who the main character is. The story spans eight years--from age 15 to 23. At least in part, it could be called a coming of age story. Vatar is not a wounded warrior type.

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2) Why does he return home to his tribe when the shaman is still out to get him?

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This is one that I would hope the agent would look at the synopsis to find out. He goes back because

• He has learned something that will be of great value to his tribe.
• He's still young and naive enough to think that the shaman will give up and just get over it.
• His family (mother, father, siblings) is there.
• He still powerfully identifies himself as a member of this tribe. In fact, that's why he tries to deny his magic.
  

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3) Where's the wife in all this?

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Again, something I feel is better addressed in the synopsis, partly because it's too complex to put into the 250-word version. His first relationship was a failure. They have twin children and at this point that's just about all they have in common. His tribe does not believe in perpetuating failed relationships. While permanence is the goal, either party can leave at any time. She left him because he and his life are just too complex for her. She doesn't want to deal with it. I also left out the second and much more successful relationship (which has not yet produced children at the end of this book).

I find writing the query to be very difficult, which is why I think its good to do research on it and figure out the right one for you that also gives the agent the information they want, not too much or too little.

How to Write a Great Query Letter by Noah Lukeman, who is an expert on queries because he has received thousands of them as an agent, is helpful to me. You can find it for free download at amazon.com. Hope it helps.

Vatar is a boy on the edge of manhood when his best friend is accidentally killed despite Vatar’s warnings or maybe "dies in a terrible accident" - the "despite Vatar's warnings" doesn't make sense in this context or seem particularly important to the query, though I'm sure it's important to the novel The boy’s father, the tribe’s shaman, sees only that Vatar lived while his son died and vows to take revenge.

At first, I'd delete those two words Vatar’s parents send him away from his home and tribe for a time "a time" is vague - what about "for his own safety". Vatar comes to manhood all but alone in a strange city. He must also face some surprising and uncomfortable truths about himself and his own magical talents. Magic that can get him into more trouble in the city, where the god-like rulers restrict all such power to themselves. Vatar tries to stay true to his tribal beliefs, even rejecting the magic he learns is his heritage. I feel like there's a big "but" missing here

Vatar returns home to his people after two years because they think it's safe (and are clearly wrong)? because he's run afoul of the god-like rulers (more trouble...)? something to increase the tension here. Feeling that he doesn’t truly belong either in the city or on the plains, Vatar struggles to establish a normal life maybe reorder this sentence: "Vatar struggles to fit back in to the home he left behind, but his time in the city has changed him too much and he no longer feels like he belongs anywhere."

At first, he follows his parents’ lead and tries to avoid confrontation with the shaman. But, as every attempt to avenge his son’s death fails, the shaman becomes more and more desperate. Finally, when the shaman’s actions threaten not only Vatar, but his infant children, Vatar decides to fight back. you might want to consider condensing this down into one sentence which basically says the shaman hasn't given up on avenging his son, and escalating attacks will destroy Vatar's family if not stopped.

[b]The end looks good. I esp. like the last sentence, which really highlights what I (from the query) would call the two main conflicts of the novel: the external conflict between Vatar and the shaman, and the internal conflict of Vatar's magic and whether or not he wants to use it.

I'd agree that, on a query, less is more. As long as you don't cut out so much that something is incomprehensible, then I think you're okay leaving out major plot elements. The thing about raising questions, rather than answering them all, sounds spot on. Good luck!

[This message has been edited by Kitti because she is apparently having far too much trouble typing tonight... (edited October 06, 2009).]

I really think all of your query letters sound interesting, but I have a suggestion that might make it stronger.

I see you've been reading the query shark blog (love her). In one of her critiques, she tells the author that they are starting in the wrong place. She says this may be where your novel begins, but this is not where your story begins. I think a query letter really needs to focus on the main conflict (the heart of the story), and leave the plot details to the synopsis.

Having not read your novel, I don't know for sure, but I think this might be the case in your query. But only you know for sure.

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Vatar is a boy on the edge of manhood. His best friend is killed in a flash flood during an adventure inspired partly by Vatar’s curiosity and partly by the boys’ defiance of adult authority. The dead boy’s father, the tribe’s shaman, blames Vatar and vows to take revenge.

Vatar’s parents fear that the shaman will use the upcoming manhood test to strike at Vatar, so they send him away. Vatar becomes an adult all but alone in a strange city, where he must face some surprising and uncomfortable truths about himself and his own emerging magical talents. Vatar tries to stay true to his tribal beliefs, even rejecting his own magical abilities.

These first two paragraphs seem like the set up for the main conflict. I think they are getting too much space. This needs to be summed up in a few sentences so that you can focus on the confrontaion between Vatar and the shaman.

Vatar returns home to his people after two years, feeling that he doesn’t truly belong either in the city or on the plains. He struggles to avoid confrontation with the shaman and establish a normal life, with mixed success. This seems like a place to give us a better idea of who he is and why we should care. Perhaps provide a brief detail or two to help us emotionally connect with Vatar. But, as every attempt to avenge his son’s death fails, the shaman becomes more and more desperate.

When the shaman publicly accuses Vatar of being possessed by an evil Spirit, (is this because of his magic?) the threat becomes too great to ignore. Vatar knows that the shaman wants to use the exorcism as an excuse to torture him to death. And even his death will not be the end of it, because the taint of possession will also haunt his infant children. This part is really good.

Vatar refuses to escape to the city again. Instead he challenges the shaman to an ordeal to prove which of them is in the right. This sounds like the major choice Vatar faces in the novel. All you have to do now is tell us what he risks in choosing to face the shaman. Vatar risks his own life and his place in the tribe in order to secure a future for himself and his children. But the shaman is not content to let an impartial ordeal decide the issue. I think this in italics can be cut, more plot details. In the end, Vatar will have to use the magic he has tried to deny in order to put an end to the vendetta. This is what I want expanded. We really have no idea why he fears his magic. Does he think he will loose his soul? Is he afraid of the seductive power? Is he afraid of what he might do with it? We need to know what is at stake if he uses his magic.

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Well, that is my take on it. I hope it was helpful.

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I see you've been reading the query shark blog (love her). In one of her critiques, she tells the author that they are starting in the wrong place. She says this may be where your novel begins, but this is not where your story begins. I think a query letter really needs to focus on the main conflict (the heart of the story), and leave the plot details to the synopsis.

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http://www.lukeman.com/greatquery/index.htm