[Luck stared at the dead rabbit in his hands, contemplating how to go about skinning it for dinner. He mentally unwrapped the creature and tightened his grasp on the handle of the knife in anticipation. As he crouched over the broken body he had a sudden flash of thought, the air around his hands crackled and he dropped the knife in surprise. In a moment it was done and he was engulfed in a fine pink mist which settled on his light traveling clothes, coating them in a sticky residue. Before him now, instead of the carcass of his prey, was a blackened, smoking pit filled with blood, bone and sinew. It was unrecognizable as what it had once been. Had he just blown up that rabbit with… with his mind? His hands shook and he was forced to place them against his legs to steady them. There could only be one explanation for what he'd just done, it called back everything that was ever preached to him by his elders about the dangers in the world. This was magic. This was bad, this was dangerous… this was fascinating. But above all, this must be kept secret.]

It goes on to describe that magic (when he realizes that's what this is) is a rare and dangerous thing to be found in possession of, mostly being controlled by the central government and King Atlas. This is just a tiny tidbit compared to where I will end up taking things eventually but hopefully this is enough to give people a taste of my style and make some helpful suggestions.

[This message has been edited by CalculatedChaos (edited October 26, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by CalculatedChaos (edited October 26, 2009).]

"Luck stared at the dead rabbit in his hands comtemplating how to go about skinning it for dinner." etc and on with your description of what happened.

That might put the reader more in the moment rather than the separation that the flashback creates.

Now here is some of the more detailed stuff. The story will be in parenthesis and my thoughts will be below. I also want to mention that I'm new to this so please take everything I say with a grain of salt.

(Luck stared in wonder at the smoking hole at his feet.)

The two "at" in this sentence are tripping me up. For some reason, the way I read, it's slowing me down and I had to read it twice. On the other hand I like the thought of the dumbfounded character; it adds depth to the situation almost immediately. Maybe some more description of the hole and eliminating the second at would help me out here.

(His hands shook, the palms still slick from the effort of catching the tiny animal for dinner, and he was forced to flatten them against his thigh to steady them.)

The story explains how he is upset (hands shook), how he is trying to calm down (thigh to steady them) and there, in the middle of the sentence is the part about the creature for dinner. The palms shaking and him calming down, to me, feel like they belong, but not the dinner part. That feels like it needs to be separate somehow.

(Had he just blown up that rabbit? With… with his mind?)

I like how this reinforces the earlier confusion. It's nicely done.

(how best to skin it. Then he felt a tingling around his hands as he held)

I think the stories flow would increase by somehow combining this sentence and/or getting rid of the word "then." Then, kind of stops me from reading. I'm reading along, and then I stop. Next I start, and then I stop again.

(made his body hum in tune with it before)

Hum in tune? That suggests that his body is humming in tune with something but the story never describes what his body is humming in tune with.

(Where moments before lay the carcass of his prey, now was a blackened pit)

A little awkward for me, here. Maybe a comma or two would help break this sentence up a bit, showing the reader where they need to pause.

Again, good job. Keep truckin’ with it. It's good, and can only get better!

[Luck stared at the dead rabbit in his hands, contemplating how to go about skinning it for dinner. He mentally unwrapped the creature and tightened his grasp on the handle of the knife in anticipation. As he crouched over the broken body he had a sudden flash of thought, the air around his hands crackled and he dropped the knife in surprise. In a moment it was done and he was engulfed in a fine pink mist which settled on his light traveling clothes, coating them in a sticky residue. Before him now, instead of the carcass of his prey, was a blackened, smoking pit filled with blood, bone and sinew. It was unrecognizable as what it had once been. Had he just blown up that rabbit with… with his mind? His hands shook and he was forced to place them against his legs to steady them. There ]

[This message has been edited by CalculatedChaos (edited October 27, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by CalculatedChaos (edited October 27, 2009).]

The only thing I would now recommend is between, "It was unrecognizable as what it had once been." and "Had he just blown up that rabbit with… with his mind?" you need a moment of reaction.

"He stared in disbelief as the possibilities for the bizarre occurrence raced through his mind." Or something like that. Just a bridge to get from the event to his realization.

And, "This was magic. This was bad, this was dangerous… this was fascinating. But above all, this must be kept secret." is a little repetitious with 'this'. I don't usually mind a little word play for emphasis but I think you can make this stronger with a little rewording.

I do like this. It's an interesting start.

quote:

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Luck stared at the dead rabbit in his hands, contemplating how to go about skinning it for dinner. He mentally unwrapped (I don't understand what 'mentally unwrapping' means. Is he mentally preparing himself to skin the rabbit or is he literally skinning the rabbit with his mind?) the creature and tightened his grasp on the handle of the knife in anticipation. As he crouched over the broken body (At first the rabbit is in his hand, but now it is on the ground?) he had a sudden flash of thought (what was the thought?), the air around his hands crackled and he dropped the knife in surprise. In a moment it was done and (I think you can cut the first part of this sentence. It doesn't add anyting) he was engulfed in a fine pink mist which settled on his light traveling clothes, coating them in a sticky residue. Before him now, instead of the carcass of his prey, (You can cut 'of his prey.' We know that.) was a blackened, smoking pit filled with blood, bone and sinew. It was unrecognizable as what it had once been. (cut 'as what it had been'.) Had he just blown up that rabbit with… with his mind? His hands shook and he was forced to place them against his legs to steady them.

new paragraph?There could only be one explanation for what he'd just (too many 'justs' you don't really need any of them.) done, it called back everything that was ever preached to him by his elders about the dangers in the world. This was magic. This was bad, this was dangerous… this was fascinating. But above all, this must be kept secret.

---

I liked the repetition of 'this' at the end. I found it compelling.

quote:

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"He stared in disbelief as the possibilities for the bizarre occurrence raced through his mind." Or something like that. Just a bridge to get from the event to his realization.

---

But I do agree with this.

Good luck! It looks like the begining of an awesome story.

'Mentally unwrapped' was referring to his vision of exactly how the cut should go so he could do it cleanly, I guess it was a little bit brief of a description. I think I made the mistake of abbreviating certain things in order to better fit them into this particular showing (since there are such strict length limits) but when I move it into full prose form I will be sure to take it into account and revise these sections for those kinds of shortcuts.

Thanks again for the feedback, it's even having impacts on parts well past what has been shared.