Shadowfox quietly lowered himself, headfirst, down the chimney. Shadowfox’s silence was necessary; The story impresses on me that Shadowfox is an assassin in the previous line. It also shows us that he is "quietly lowering himself" making the statement "silence was necessary" feel redundant to me.

assassins is used a lot. Is there a substitute for this word? Maybe "The Guild" or "brothers" or something.

"Perfect for assassins, this lack of light." This seems unnecessary and over explanatory. To me at least, it's obvious he's an assassin in the very first line and you describe the darkness in the line right before this so you don't need to repeat these facts.

"lowered himself, headfirst, down the chimney." I'm having trouble picturing this manuever. Is there a rope? Is it a crawl? How is he lowering himself?

"Shadowfox’s silence was necessary; his target may have been doubled by another envious assassin. He would have to look for signs that he wasn’t alone. Traps and other tell-tale clues would signify that his job has been doubled". This section feels like too much telling when you could actually show it more effectively. After the chimney, maybe start with, "He checked the fireplace carefully for traps or signs that another assassin might be trying to steal his mark," or something like that.

"No mouths can live to breath", 'can' is suddenly present tense it should be 'could'. This is a good line though.

I can't say it has a lot of hook for me. He's an assassin, it's his job and there doesn't seem to be any significance to the mark. It just seems like an ordered hit. There's no emotion, which is appropriate for an assassin but there's not a lot to draw me in. However, after having said that, I would not stop reading just yet. I would probably continue to see if it took an unexpected turn.

quote:

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Darkness, bred by the hearts of its citizens, cradled the town as Shadowfox slid across the roof of his targets mansion. It was the darkest time of night with light’s daily parade slowly advancing, a lone hour away. Even the hallows[[Apostrophe]] goddess, and the thieves glorious savior, the moon and its light, was absent. Perfect for assassins, this lack of light. [[I did not like the arrangement of this line.??'A night perfectly suited for him to practice his dark art??']]
Shadowfox quietly lowered himself, headfirst, down the chimney. Shadowfox’s[[Omit]] silence was necessary; his target may have been doubled by another envious assassin. He would have to look for signs that he wasn’t alone. Traps and other tell-tale clues would signify that his job has been doubled, or perhaps even tripled, by other assassins and Shadowfox [[perhaps replace this with 'leaving him' His Name, "Shadowfox" is becomming quite repetitive.]]would have no choice but to either kill the target and the other assassins—or leave. No mouths can[[could]] live to breath. Or speak.

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I feel like I'm being brutal but I didn't dislike it at all. I do question the guy's name as being a little .... Did you see mystery men? When the super hero "Mr. Furious" is asked by the hot babe what his real name is, he makes one up he thinks is sexier than his real name (Roy). "It's Phoenix. Dirk. Dark Dirk.... but I changed it to Phoenix... Roy. It's Roy."

But I don't understand how people's hearts can create darkness. I would delete the overly poetic parts about light's daily parade, hallow's goddess, and thieves glorious savior. Instead, use that space to tell us more about his identity, his target, why other assassin's might be competing with him on the same night, and how he checks and avoids traps. I don't understand the connection between Shadowfox's need for silence and the possibility of another assassin in the house. His silence is necessary no matter who else is in the house. Mouths don't live. Try this: "No witnesses could live to testify." Or this: "All voices would have to be silenced."

Try something more vivid than slid across the roof. Something like: "Darkness cradled the town of Shadowfox's target. Like a shadow, he quickly creeped across the mansion roof. With dawn only an hour away, it was the darkest time of night, and darkness is an assassin's friend." Better still, instead of using your first sentence to talk about the town, use it to talk about your main character:

"Darkness is an assassin's friend. Shadowfox checked the time. With dawn only an hour away, it was the darkest time of the night. Meanwhile, clouds hid the moon's light. Like a shadow, he quickly creeped across the roof of his target's mansion. As he lowered himself down the chimney, he checked for traps laid by possible competitors. If he discovered other assassins were at work below, he would have to kill too - or leave."

Or something like that. Basically, you want a style that is intriguing and vivid, but you don’t want a style that tries so hard the reader trips over it.

Other than that I find it to be a huge improvment over the first version. The descriptions were nice, the scene was set and personally I like the poetic aspect. Different strokes, different folks....

The great thing about writing is it's alive....alive I tell you!!!! Keep at it, your working in the right direction cause this time around I was hooked.