"Hello!" He expected one of the librarians to answer, only, no one did.

He held his broom up close to his right shoulder and slowly emerged from the narrow row of shelves near the back of the library. It was then that he noticed the streaks of mud across the floor. Cautious, he let his eyes wander and his ears hone in on any sign that anyone else was about. Dim lighting and silence filled the two senses. The knuckles of his hands that gripped the broom grew whiter

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Phlep turned his head sharply, his eyes two wide nervous orbs, when he heard the slam of the back door. I don't like the order of this first sentence. Is the door slaming what made him turn his head? If so, you should have the door slam first before we see phelp's reaction. If not, then you need to show us why he turned his head. Also his eyes were wide and nervous? This seems like too strong of a reaction for the slaming of a door in the library especially since in the next paragraph he expects it to be a librarian, unless he is doing something he shouldn't. He stopped sweeping and as he straightened up the ache in his back settled with a pop.

"Hello!" He expected one of the librarians to answer, only, no one did.

He held his broom up close to his right shoulder and slowly emerged I don't like emerged here. It doesn't fit. I guess I always think of someone seeing something emerge not emerging themselves, but maybe it is just me. from the narrow row of shelves near the back of the library. It was then that he noticed the streaks of mud across the floor. I need more here. Streaks leading from the door to the outside or just random streaks here and there? Do the streaks look like footprints or as if something muddy was dragged? Cautious, he let his eyes wander This wording is odd to me. Is he looking around trying to find the source of the mess? That is what I think he should be doing, but the word "wander" doesn't give me that impression. and his ears hone the word hone is a little strong and makes me wonder if he has exceptional hearing. in on any sign that anyone else was about. Dim lighting and silence filled the two senses. Hmmm, I don't know how dim light can fill the sense of sight. How about being more straight forward and saying that he didn't see or hear anything. The knuckles of his hands that gripped the broom grew whiter I feel like this is too strong of a reaction for just seeing mud streaked on the floor.

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Here is my overall view on the first thirteen. I see a janitor sweeping the floor of the library after hours. He hears the door open and shut, and for some reason this really freaks him out. So he investigates and sees mud on the floor and freaks out even more.

I understand that he is alone and isn't expecting anyone else to be in the building, but I still feel that his reaction is over the top, unless he has a reason to be afraid. Is he planning on doing something wrong? Is someone after him? If he has more reason to be scared, I think you need to tell us or at least hint at it.

I do think he should be apprehensive and a little frightened by the events, but the imagery you are giving suggest he is terrified ("eyes two wide nervous orbs" and "The knuckles of his hands that gripped the broom grew whiter"), and I just don't think the situation is terrifying. But maybe it is just me.

I hope I don't seem to harsh, but right now I probably wouldn't read on. I have no sense of character and the situation isn't mysterious or creepy enough to make me curious. I think a few things need to be reworked.

"Hello!" He expected one of the librarians to answer, only, no one did.

He held his broom up close to his right shoulder Right shoulder? Is this important? Seems extraneous and just thrown in to make it sound more detailed. If you're adding in detail for the sake of detail, it ends up sounding contrived, and to me that's what this sounds like and slowly emerged I agree - emerging in this case would fit better from an observer's perspective, not your POV character from the narrow row of shelves near the back of the library. It was then that he noticed the streaks of mud across the floor. Cautious, he let his eyes wander and his ears hone in on any sign that anyone else was aboutToo passive. Sounds like he's allowing his eyes and ears to take action, rather than having the heightened senses that comes with curiosity or caution. What's wrong with saying, "His eyes roamed for a sign of anyone...", etc. Dim lighting and silence filled the two senses. Confusing. Nothing wrong with phrasing that more simply so that your meaning is clear. The knuckles of his hands that gripped the broom grew whiter Wordy. You can cut half those words and still say the same thing - with more force.

Despite the clear problems with word choice and sentence structure, you might have something of a story here. You just don't show enough in these first 13 to hook me.

Here is a second draft of my first 13. I am stepping back a bit before the original scene I posted. Again, let me know if you'd read on...

That's a curious take, but at least if something I have written plays on your mind then maybe I'm doing a little something right. Hee Hee Hee, not sure that's how I wanted to though...